how it happened..

She made her decision. Just like that. She gave them up. Normally it was

something people thought about for months, even years.  But she’d not thought

about this before. Sure there was something in her. And to tell the truth, it’s

probably something she knew all along. But she was never conscious of it. She just

carried on doing what she’d learned to do; knowing she was on the path to bring her

perfect textbook happiness.


But two things happened for truth to surface. If either of them had happened in

isolation, it would have been very different. Both would have left her a little scarred. 

At first she would have struggled to cover it up.  A slight character flaw might have

surfaced. She would’ve been a little jaded and perhaps lost a few social skills. But

that would have been about it.  She would’ve been able to carry on with her slightly

more satisfying than mediocre existence.


But that’s not what happened. The two perfectly timed events persuaded her that it

was time.


  Two weeks and one day earlier she’d broken up with her boyfriend. They’d been

together since college, about 9 years.  It didn’t come as such a surprise to her. 

Not that she was expecting it, just when it happened, it made sense. There was no

spark left between them. And it had been gone for quite some time.

  When they were younger, he’d absolutely adored her. She was young, pretty and

impeccably dressed.  She wasn’t beautiful, but pretty enough to make him feel like

a man who’d batted a little out of his league.  That’s not to say he wasn’t good

looking himself. But he was definitely a boy who would take some time to mature.

His features just seemed a little too strong for a boy that age. 


What she was attracted to was charm. He was interesting; he knew how to

make people smile. And he seemed to like the same things as her. Even when

they first met they'd talked for hours about subjects that normally bored their

friends. They discussed literature, music and historical events from foreign lands

they’d found in archives tucked away in a dingy corner of the local library.  They

seemed to have found a partner they could confide their secret passions in.

  But time changed things.  After school Skye became a cosmetics sales

assistant. And he got a job working for a small IT firm and was able to move

up quickly due to its unexpected success.  They moved in together and the first

two years were bliss.  They talked about marriage, but both agreed it would be

better to live together for another year, just to see how things went.  They were

sensible. But a year later, the company went national and started putting a lot

of pressure on him. He often had to work long hours and was tired when he

arrived home.  It started to put a strain on things. They talked less and less.  But

Skye didn’t want to pressure him. He was working hard for them. So she just lent

him support in any way she could. Doing the cleaning, making sure his lunch was

ready for him to take to work.  Keeping the fridge stocked with beer for when he

arrived home late at night.  She waited patiently for a day when things might

improve. The business might ease up and allow him some time off. But that day

never came.


  Slowly she realised she was disappointed. Even though her step mother

had brought her up to be a nice girl, she’d never imagined herself waiting hand and

foot, on a businessman, who was too tired to pay her any attention.  The

relationship was still comfortable. She felt taken care of. She knew that eventually

they would get married and have children. But it wasn’t something that fulfilled her.

She still loved him. And somewhere inside, the man she knew was there. But the

business had taken him.


  He'd started seeing other women too. She knew this. After years together, there

was nothing new  to bind them. Even their lovemaking had become dull and

predictable alot like masturbating really, only with the added burden of having to

wait out the other if you’d been unlucky enough to finish first.

He'd grown quite attractive, the remainder of his body seemed to catch up with

his features and he’d become a strong handsome man. That coupled with his

success as a businessman enticed women everywhere he went. Bored with the

monotony of his business he started to seek out affairs to spice up his dull life.

Not that he wanted to hurt Skye, he still cared deeply for her.  But he’d been

careless. He’d told her that Wednesdays and Thursdays he’d had to work late and

often didn’t get home until 3 or 4 am.  Sometimes the excuses extended to the

weekend.  Various business trips that he’d had no way of getting out of. Even on

her birthday he’d shown up late, apologizing for his absence while trying to hide the

lip stick stain on his shirt collar. 


But this wasn’t how she knew.  He’d paid for a regular room in a small hotel

downtown.  His adventures always ended up there at some time of the night. He

would stumble in drunk with various women. Too drunk to notice Skye’s high school

friend waiting at reception to welcome guests as they arrived.  Lucky for Skye she

was a good friend. The secret stayed between the two of them. Surprisingly Skye

didn’t mind. His absence gave her time at home without interruption.  Time at

home she could dream of desires she would have if she’d become another person. 

Besides it was always different women, just a bit of harmless pleasure.


That is why it came as such a shock. He arrived home one night and told her. Just

as if he was telling a best mate.  They were in love. He’d already proposed and they

were to get married the following February. Then two weeks. That’s all it took for

him to pack his things and move out.


The second thing that changed her happened just six hours after his

car left it's parking space, screeching.  He’d pecked her cheek. Thanked her and

left. Most of the furnishings remained.  He took only what she would have no use

for. She had a consolation. The apartment now belonged to her. The coffee, the

cat and the shared bank account.  If he was to start anew, the least he could do

was leave her with enough to survive.


She wandered around for a while, drinking cup after cup of herbal tea, hoping it

would detoxify him from her system. The apartment felt empty to her. It wasn’t

because he was gone. In the last year she’d actually resented his presence.  Once

or twice a week, guilt had forced him to take up space there. Neither of them had

enjoyed it. But they’d both pretended in an effort to hold things together.  The thing

was, his leaving made something else leave.  She was still trying to hold it there.

Slightly detached but still clinging to it none the less. What she didn’t know was

that tomorrow she would give it up.



  Six hours later she found herself in a bar. It wasn’t a popular one, but she knew it

was a place she could find someone. She was lonely. An afternoon’s soul

searching had led her to crave passion, she wanted someone to love her. Love in

the way she felt when she first met him.  A feeling of faintness, a glaze comfortably

enveloping her eyes, and a burning desire to be touched. This is what she wanted. 

The pull was so strong, it got her dressed and with lips stained pink, out into in a

distant suburb. 


  He was quite handsome. Admiring his strong, well-dressed physique, she

watched him order a dry scotch. He was a man. She offered

a flutter of her eyelids and a few hinted smiles.  It took him a while to approach. 

He’d tried to mask his intense attraction at first. It’s always a game.  But she

allowed him to seduce her.  She’d made her girlish emotions visible on her sleeve.

And he’d approached the opportunity with perfect reserve. She gently let him know

she’d been taken by his sweet whispers.  And a few hours later, game over, they

were at his apartment.Naked.  .


  The second event was not perfect. It would have been rape. You couldn’t really call

it that. But had they both been different people. Then it just might have occurred.

But he was not a rapist, nor was she a victim.


  Passion had flowed through their veins as they tried desperately to peel each

others clothes off. It had all been a perfect evening until he climbed on top of her. 

He’d asked her to lie still. Calm even the rapid movement of her chest. In an

instant her desire vanished, she saw the scene for what it was, and clarity washed

through her eyes. He only asked her the once, and she ignored it. She saw the

disappointment in his face, but also the nervousness.  He hadn’t the devotion nor

the nature to actually go through with it. She didn’t stop what was happening and

neither did he. It was too late for that. They didn’t want to leave completely

unsatisfied.  But neither of them got what they were looking for. Their fantasies

were left completely unfulfilled. They’d only managed to sooth a dull irritation,

picked up, walking past a lovely but slightly toxic bush of violets

The next morning is when she decided she could live without them. Not only were

they no longer necessary. They were just purely and simply wrong for her now. 

Sipping coffee in a nearby cafe she added three sugars instead of two.  She

pondered her trysts with the idea of romance, one long-term and the other a one night

stand. She reflected how they'd both ended in disappointment. She looked at the f

faces in the café. Some were happy, some were sad, and others were anxoius.

They would soon be scurrying off to their jobs, their kitchens or their secret lovers. 

In most of them she saw two things.

The things driving them, forcing them to finish each day and move on to the next.

Working hard, doing things because it was right and necessary. Not because it

was what they wanted.


  Things that caused them to be impatient. An idea that encouraged

them to paint passionate but foolish facades and a thing that forced them to lie .

  Some people would see different things, some people would say it was the pursuit

of power; others contentment. And more would say it was human nature.

But Skye saw voodoo. A cloud of it, that seemed to have even the strong weak in

its embrace.


Her feelings had put her in touch with a larger truth.  She suddenly felt free and a

alive. Clarity had done this. She'd realised that her feelings were always solitary,

and just as in both events, they were something only she'd imagined.  She thought

about herself as a child, running carelessly though the long grasses. The only thing

on her mind then, was not to stand on a prickle that might puncture her delicate

feet.  As she released herself, a calming emotion filtered delicately though her

veins.

She was no longer attached and it felt perfect. There she was a child, sipping coffee

and enjoying  the chocolate colored liquid that was warming her mouth.  She had

nowhere she had to go and no desire to move on.  She was just sitting in a coffee

shop, basking in the filtered sunlight and she was savoring every moment.


She gave them up. Just like that.  Now she was free.

Love and convention.  They were more than just a prison. They were just not true.