Rent Control

(Will and Liz sit at their small kitchen table, holding hands; the kitchen shares the space with the living room.  The apartment is cluttered; paint supplies, and tables covered with magazines, a few computers, and various papers and other items scatter the small area.  Will nervously taps his foot; Liz keeps trying to make him stop.  They are waiting for Nate, their roommate, who is currently in his room.)

Liz
Remember to be nice.

Will
I’m always nice.

Liz
I didn’t mean—be extra nice.  But not too nice.

Will
(Sighs.) I know…we practiced this a million times.

Liz
And do not let me do all the talking.

Will
I won’t. (Kisses her on the cheek, looks nervous)

Liz
Oh!  Here he comes! Don’t twitch!

Will
(Twitching) I’m not!

(Nate enters; he just woke up and is groggy.  He’s still in his boxers and night shirt.  He turns on the TV, sits down and picks up a game controller.  Mario brothers theme song plays and he starts playing.  Liz and Will watch him for a moment.)

Liz
(Clears her throat loudly)

Will
Morning.

Nate
(Startled) What are you two doing home?

Will
(Nervous) Nothing. (Beat)  Lunch…

They all pause and look around, there’s no food out.)

Will
Moving on. (Switching tones, trying to sound overly nice.) How are you?

Nate
(Shrug) It’s early.  I might have a head ache from lack of sleep… (He leaves couch and searches the cabinets for something to eat.)

Will
It’s past eleven.

Liz
(Slightly annoyed) And Tuesday.

Nate
(Mumbled so much Liz and Will have a hard time understanding what he says)
I was up late with work.  (He brings out a beer and a box of fruit rollups.  Offers the box to Liz and Will, they refuse.  Offers some beer; they refuse again.)

Liz
Wouldn’t you like some coffee instead?

Nate
No, this’ll fill me up. (Sits on the couch.)

Liz
(Looks at Will to do something, he doesn’t.  Liz gets up and goes to the loveseat across from the couch) Nate, can we talk to you?

Nate
Don’t need to ask.  Wait, is that creamer spoiled yet?

Will
I’ll make the coffee. (He fumbles around in the kitchen; making noise.)

Liz
(Mumbles to the side) For Christ’s sake Will!

Nate
So what are we talking about?  (Mockingly) Is it about Will?


Will
Maybe you should get dressed first.

Liz
(To Will) This’ll only take a minute.

Nate
(Sarcastically) Should I wear my good shirt?

Will
(To Liz) But he should have pants on!

Liz
It won’t make a difference.

Nate
I don’t need them…it’s not like I’m at work, or my relatives… (Eats a fruit rollup)

Will
(Turning over to Nate) How are your parents?

Liz
Will…

Nate
(Shrugs; uncaring) They’re alive.

Will
That’s …family’s…good. (Turns away to watch the coffee maker.)

Liz
Can we just get this—?

Nate
Oh, did I tell you? (Takes quick gulp of beer.) That ass—my dad, just bought a—

Liz
We’re getting married!!

Will
(Runs over to them, shocked) Lizzie!

Nate
You’re what?! (Jumps up and hits his leg on the coffee table and a few books and other things fall off.)

Will
We were supposed to tell him together!

Nate
(To himself) Fucking table!  What is all this shit?!

Liz
We’re both here!

Will
That’s not the point.

Nate
(To Will and Liz) Wait, married?

Liz
What?  This isn’t a sitcom!  Besides, you were avoiding it.

Nate
(Tries to get their attention) Married!? (Beat)  To each other?

Will
I was easing into it!

Liz
Yeah!  And we would have been here for a week!

Nate
That’s insane!

(Will and Liz turn back to Nate.)

Will
I told you he’d take it badly.

Nate
No, no, sorry, not crazy like you’re both psychotic like my parents or anything, it’s (snaps fingers) It’s like Memento!

Liz
(To Will) Is that supposed to be a good thing?

Will
I guess.


Nate
Of course!  Crazy, eccentric and makes no sense, but great! (Punching Will’s arm) Took you long enough.  May not be the smartest thing, but hey who am I to judge?  It’s just…yay! (Does a small cheer, and takes another gulp from his drink.)  Is the coffee ready?

Liz
Awww thanks.  That’s really sweet. (To Will) I told you he’d be fine.

Will
Umm…

Nate
When’s the date?

Will
(Nudges Liz) We still need to tell him—look man, there’s something else.

Liz
(Leaning over Will.) End of March.

Nate
That’s soon.  Is there a baby?  I’m just kidding.

Will
We wanted to tell—no ask you…

Liz
(Excited) Will’s making you best man!!

Nate
Well, yeah, who else?  The wallflower took a year to ask his roommate out.

Liz
(Playfully nudging Will) Well, I like him shy.

Will
WE WANT YOU OUT!!

Nate
(Confused) Out of what?

Liz
Way to be SENSITIVE!!


Nate
You’re kicking me out?

Will
No, of course not.

Liz
Well…

Nate
Why?

Liz
We’re getting—

Nate
Married, yeah, got the memo.  What does that have to do with anything?

Will
It’ll be kinda weird if you’re still living here after we’re married.

Nate
(Angry) But I lived here while you were dating.

Liz
That’s different.

Nate
I lived here before you dated.  Fuck I set you two up.

Liz
We know, we just decided that after we’re married it should be just the two of us….alone.

Nate
You’re fucking kidding.  This is some unfunny couple joke? (A quick pause, waiting for them to object)  That’s so fucked!  What’s gonna—I GAVE YOU THE BIG ROOM!

Will
Look, we’re sorry—
Liz
You don’t have to leave right away.

Nate
Shut up Yoko!!

Will
Hey! You don’t need to—

Nate
Whatever!  Sorry!  Why am I suddenly in a Friends episode?

Liz
It’ll be fine; you don’t want to live with a married couple—

Will
And we’ll help you find another place.

Nate
(Suddenly calm again) I’m not leaving. (Puts his feet up on the coffee table.)

Will
What?

Liz
But we already decided.

Nate
I didn’t.  I’m vetoing it.  I’m like the Goddamn judicial branch. (picks up a fruit rollup, pretends it’s a gavel and hits it on the table)

Will
Its executive and my 5 year old nephew knows that!

Nate
Your 5 year old nephew is a freak.

Liz
Who cares!?  You can’t just veto us!  Grow up!  It’s two against one you ass!!

Nate
No… See, the two of you count as one…so…really it’s a tie.

Will
Oh come on!

Liz
Just sign over the lease.

Nate
What do you need three bedrooms for?

Liz
Kids.  And just look at this place!  Everyone’s things can’t fit in here.  Your art supplies have swarmed this room like locusts!

Nate
That’s because I GAVE YOU THE BIG ROOM!  Why don’t you move?

Will
No!

Nate
Why not?  You can’t store kids here.  It’s the city, it’s loud, crowded, there’s no yard for the rug rats to sing and dance in, the preschools around here have their own street gangs, and there’s a possible meth lab a few floors up.  Plus I could use the extra space.

Liz
(Thinking about it for a moment.) He might have a point.

Will
(Jumps up and starts pacing the room) NO HE DOESN’T!  We want to live in the city!!

Liz
But a bigger place would be nice.

Nate
It would.

Will
No!  We practiced this, Lizzie!  And that lady upstairs… (Beat) SHE MAKES HERBAL TEAS!

Nate
That’s what she wants you to think.  (Pause) Look, just get another apartment.  I’m not even having kids.  They freak me out.  YOU want “space”, YOU move.

Liz
We never thought of moving.

Will
(Panicked) Well, we’re not having kids yet so we don’t need the space!

Liz
Eventually.

Will
NO!  We already talked about this!
Nate
Apparently not.

Liz
Even if we don’t have kids right away, it would still be nice to have our own place that we pick out together.  This place was only supposed to be temporary.

Will
I love this place!  (Rushes over to Nate) We’ll pay you!

Nate
(Jokingly) How much?

Liz
What?  Did you rob a bank!?  No!  Let’s just think about it some more…

Will
But this is OUR place!

Liz
THIS IS NATE’S!  (Picks up a half completed canvas) This is Nate’s.  (Points to a box of paints) This is Nate’s.  (Points to something else) That’s Nate’s.  This used to be my desk but all of his stuff is on it.  And where is my laptop?  I haven’t seen it since last week.

Nate
She has a point…but could you not ruin the system by moving stuff around…?

Will
No!  All of this stuff will be gone since he’s gone.

Nate
Are you having me killed?  Then who’ll be your best man?

Liz
(To Will) Sweetie, you’re being hysterical.

Will
NO I’M NOT!  (Still pacing) We met in that hallway!  I asked you out in that kitchen!  We first…you know on that couch! (Nate jumps off it in disgust)  I proposed in that bathroom!

Nate
What?!

Liz
Cut the cord!  You don’t loose memories because you move, you half-wit!
Will
How could you--!?  I’M NOT MOVING!  I’m not going to settle into a new neighborhood!  I’m not going to spend a month looking for the right coffee or bar, or figuring out how to navigate everything again!

Liz
WELL I AM!  You stay here with Nate in your little safety net apartment!

Nate
Guys, it’s just an apartment.

Liz
I bet you only asked me out because I was living three feet away!

Will
Did you just call me a coward?

Liz
If the insecure shoe fits! (Beat) How about I find my own apartment and you two can live here forever!

Will
Fine!! (Plops down on the couch next to Nate)

(Liz starts to walk out when Nate jumps up.)

Nate
What the fuck!?  It’s just an apartment!

Will
It’s not just an apartment, it’s my life! (He starts sobbing.)

Liz
Oh, grow a pair, Will!! 

Nate
Whoa…what the fuck’s wrong with you two? Look, sit. (Motions for Liz to sit next to Will)  You two need help, like serious mental health.  Which is why you should marry each other and not spread that craziness in the world.

Liz
Little late for that.

Will
What does that mean!?


Nate
Don’t be dramatic, you’re still getting married…you love each other like, I don’t know, Sam and Diane or something. (Beat)  Plus, I look damn good in a tux.

Liz
Not really a selling point.

Will
For fuck’s sake!  Have you seen this place!?  It’s not worth it!

Will
(Perked up) Then you’ll move?

Nate
(Thinks for a second)  Yeah!  You guys want this place, fine, go ahead.  Call it a wedding gift.  After all that stuff you said (looks a little disgusted)…keep the couch too.

Liz
Are you serious!?

Nate
Yeah…I need some air.  (Goes into his room.)

Liz
(Silently cheer, they hug and kiss) See?  This is why we practiced!

Will
I thought I was gonna have a panic attack!

(Nate comes back in, with pants and a jacket on; Will and Liz try to look serious again.)

Liz
Thanks again!  Really…it’s really—thanks!

Will
That’s why you’re the best man!

Nate
And why I’m never getting married.

(Nate leaves apartment; Will and Liz go back to celebrating their victory.)