How to Protect Yourself from Santa

How to Protect Yourself from Santa

         The season is almost upon us again and the time for home defense is now.  This year as in years past people are once again closing their eyes to the true danger of the holidays.  Infection rates are at an all time high and America is on the verge of falling back into the Dark Ages.
         I say protect yourself and your family.  Fight back; take your country back.  Those of you willing to join me read on.  For the rest of you, may God have mercy on your souls.
         As everyone knows, Santa Claus is one of the three most powerful vampires alive today.  He is especially strong due to his mind control magic, which he has used over the centuries to create a virtually unlimited food source.  While he still gorges himself on blood occasionally, his main feeding is of a psychic nature.  He feeds on anguish, tension, and fear.  Ever feel stressed out during the holidays and totally drained afterwards?  You should, you were Santa’s bitch.
         There are those who do not believe that Santa Claus is evil, even though Santa is a corruption of the word Satan.  Why are little children terrified of him if there is nothing to fear?  The answer is simple.  They can see through his glamour since they haven’t been brainwashed by the multitudes of infected believers.  What they see is a corpulent creature of death bloated on blood and negative energy dressed in a gore-spattered suit trimmed with malignant grave fungus.
         Santa’s mental rape has been increasing in scope exponentially and thus so must our resolution to take a stand and combat this evil. While not everybody has the elite Special Forces background to join the Anti Santa Squad, or A.S.S. for short, a commitment to learn basic defensive tactics can stave off the advance of sanguine evil.  You’re asking “what kind of defense am I talking about?”  Let me give you a few pointers.          
         The Christmas tree:  A beautiful Yuletide tradition of ornamentation, garland, and warm cheer, or a symbol of cold life surrounded by the deathly chill of winter’s embrace.  I know, sounds a little dramatic, but Christmas trees are dangerous.  Trees used of this purpose all have a common chemical component that is used as a focal point for Santa’s ritual feeding magic.  Whereas lesser vampires must be invited into a home, setting up a Christmas tree is a proxy invitation for the jolly one.  The unnamed chemical substance can be neutralized, as evidenced by the raids against tree farms by A.S.S. commandos, but these efforts are hardly making a dent in the overall scheme of things.  Once a tree is set up in the house it acts much like an Ouija board does for demons.  The best option is not only to not buy a tree, but stay away from fir family trees in general.
         Another facet of Kringle’s magic is that his subjects act with his authority by gifting in his name.  While hard to believe, some of the subjugated give presents and sign Santa’s name on them.  Hand writing this evil being’s signature is akin to entering into a compact with him, acknowledging his dominion over you.  Resist this temptation at all costs.
         For those of you who have unwittingly invited him into your homes in the past, either through tree use, signing his name, or accepting his gifts, you must “Santa proof” your dwelling.  One of this evil creature's magical abilities is that of shape shifting which is how he can enter any chimney, no matter the size.  To combat him, follow these guidelines.
         If you already have a tree you must hang it with strings of garlic as well as multiple crucifixes, preferably made of silver or pure iron.  For blocking up the entrances such as fireplaces and air ducts, use contractor grade expanding foam the kind that hardens to a rock-like consistency.  Under no circumstances must you allow yourself to think of Santa, let alone mention his name.  This means not watching any holiday programs on television in which he might appear.  His legacy of evil has so thoroughly penetrated the media that destroying your television and radio is highly advisable. 
         Normal entrances to your dwelling must also be protected.  Accomplish this by bordering all edges with kosher salt.  Another school of thought promotes hammering iron nails into all entrances and bending them into cross shapes.  These measures do not guarantee that Santa will be denied entrance, however they make a strong deterrent and hopefully he will pass you by.
         This next section is for true warriors only.  The methods described can cause not only physical harm or death, but can also lead to black damnation if you fail.  Proceed at your own peril.  The Anti Santa Squad recommends the following combat technique to strike a blow not only for your personal protection, but for America as well.  While no known method has succeeded in terminating Santa, this trap does cause him extreme pain, which for us is enough:
         Seal all entrances to your home except for the fireplace if you have one, a vent if you don’t.  Set up a Christmas tree, plastic Santas, gifts “from Santa”, and special Milk n’ Cookies right by the tree.  The milk should be mixed with a small amount of blood from your children and the cookies should have a little of their hair baked right in.
         At the stroke of midnight the demonic vampire should not be able to resist your treat and will immediately become absorbed in devouring it.  Make sure not to look into his eyes.  Instead, pop out from behind the couch and blast him with a double load of “Purgatory Shot” from your sawed-off. (Purgatory Shot is rock salt and silver ball bearings soaked in garlic oil)  Make sure to hit him in his bowl full of jelly, if you don’t he will turn you into his thrall.  Walmarts across the nation always have his slaves out front in the cold ringing his bell of doom
         Stay strong America, Fight the Demon!