Application for Saddam's Hangman (satire)
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Application for Saddam’s Hangman Name: Address: Age: Religion: Current Occupation: Pre-war Occupation (if different): Phone: Best time to reach you: E-mail: Are you related to Saddam? If so, please check all that apply. ____ Wife/Ex-wife ____ Mistress/Former mistress ____ Son/Daughter (Legitimate) ____ Son/Daughter (Illegitimate) ____ Grandson/Granddaughter ____ Great-grandson/Great-granddaughter ____ Parent/Step-parent ____ Grandparent ____ In-law ____ Uncle/Aunt ____ Nephew/Niece ____ Cousin ____ Pet ____ Other Are you a former employee of Saddam? If so, please check all that apply. ___ Pimp ___ Prostitute ___ Food taster ___ Personal shopper ___ Personal adviser ___ Torturer/Executioner ___ Dungeon Master ___ Bomb maker ___ Bodyguard ___ Member of the Armed Forces ___ Mural Painter/Statue Maker ___ Hagiographer ___ Hit man ___ Hairdresser/ Mustache waxer ___ Chauffeur ___ Cabinet member ___ Spin Doctor ___ Physician ___ Other (Specify) How long did you hold this position? ____ Were you made to take it against your will? ___ Were you fired? ___ If so, did you barely escape with your life? ___ If so, were you able to get another position? ____ Please check off all that apply. Saddam Hussein: ___ Married me/my family members ___ Raped me/my family members ___ Incarcerated me/my family members ___ Tried to execute me/ Executed family members ___ Tortured me/family members ___ Bombed/Gassed my people ___ Ruined my reputation ___ Bankrupted me ___ Turned my family against me ___ Took petty revenge ___ Humiliated me on a casual basis ___ Humiliated me on national television ___ Stabbed me in the back (literally) ___ Stabbed me in the back (figuratively) ___ Made me dress up as George W. Bush and dance the Funky Chicken at dinner parties. ___ Gave me a nervous breakdown. ___ Left me physically disabled. ___ Other (Explain) Note: In the interest of time saving, we are not going to weigh crimes committed by members of Saddam’s family. Doing so would only complicate matters and make it impossible to execute Saddam in this century. Thus limit your complaints to Saddam only. Thank you. How long have you had the desire to execute Saddam Hussein? If it were up to you, describe the ideal method of executing Saddam Hussein. Please be brief. Is this the same method he used on someone you knew? What do you hope to gain from participating in the execution? Is there anything else you feel we should take in consideration while evaluating you? Thank you for completing this application. We understand that this may have brought back traumatic memories. If so, please seek appropriate help. Due to the large volume of applicants, we are unable to respond to individual inquiries at this time. You will be notified by either phone or email when we reach a decision. |