where am I

I think it is time...Yes, it is in fact time for me to know, to know what it is I must know.  I am 26.  I am old, or getting that way, but I know I  am not 21 anymore.  I have a girlfriend, her name is Rashell, and I love her.  I say I love her now with confidence, but the love is yet to be defined.  I was ready to throw all of this away no more than a month ago, but when there was a void. I wanted it back.  This hurt the fragile person.  She no longer knew what she wanted, or maybe she knew, but the betrayal was too much. You may think I am implying that I cheated on her, but this is not the case. I told her that I was unsure of our future. Yes, after two years of a good relationship, I was still unsure.I am one who never knows what I truely want.  Wishy-washy is how some may describe me.  I go from one extreme to the other on a common basis.  I don’t know why, nor can I control it.  Maybe I have a false sense of love.  I want a perfect love, one I do not have to work on to keep alive.  My parents have been together since highschool, so I may have a higher standard.  This must have to do with my search.  One question must be...Does perfect love exist?.  My brother says no, I said yes.  I think I was wrong.  I have problems seeing my girlfriend in a sexual mannor at some times.  TV has made me want a stupid, dirty girl, who’ll fulfill all my perverted fantasies. But this is not the case in our relationship.  Love is not based on sex as tv may insist.  Love is not having to have sex with eachother, it is needing each other's confort.  There is nothing better than holding my girl in my arms at night, feeling the warmth permiate from her delicate body. We sleep  with security and trust.  The Sex is great though, but I sometimes wonder how much is acting and how much is real.  How many growns and how much talk is just that, talk and nothing more.  Sometimes we all find ourselves trying to please our partner so much that we get into the motions, the sounds and the actions which are not actual.  Damn, the TV and Movies!  I want to be alone with her, naturallly and spontaniously.  I don’t want to think to myself “this is not Rashell, I know Rashell, she really would not like this, she is too sensitive and sensual.  She is ot dirty.”  I wish we could cut the act, have a true one on one.  No outside thoughts, no worrying about what each other hears, sees, or thinks.  That is true love making.  Anyways beyond all this; where am I?  I have a great job, good pay, and good benefits, but I still feel poor.  The cliche states that money cannot buy happyness.  Well, this is not true, money makes it much easier to be happy.  My goal is to make good money, invest it, and then not have to work when I am older.  There is one more thing though.  I want to be able to share the money.  Share it with my offspring and my lover.  See things, and do things that others my not.  I will do this, I am on the right track, but I need to be more willing to share.  I need help, I need beliefs, and I need my love.  Will I ever discover, maybe reinvent, or even find this feeling.  I would like to quit my job and join my friend in launching our own company, but I have security.  This would be iresponsible and a waste of a guaranteed future.  Well, I guess nothing is really guarateed, but it is a little easier to see in the future.  Like I said before, I make good money, and I am up for a promotion, to stop now would be too stupid.  Maybe later...How many times have we said that?  Maybe later, this phrase is the story of my life.  I remember when I was in college and I would tell myself that I'd quit smoking later, quit drinking each night later, and start making credit card/student loan payments on time later.  This is a horrible way to live. It will only make you back track your whole life and prevent you from achieving future growth.  You cannot grow when you have to concentrate on fixing the past.  Do it now or never!  If only I could.  I was poor once, and now I have a 401k, benefits, salary and commisions, and these I am not prepared to give up.  So I ask again, Where am I?  I have two paths to follow.  I can go with a definate future, and be succesful, maybe even get that early retirement I am looking forward too.  And then the other, I can risk my future to work for myself, put my body and mind to the ultimate test and start a business with my best friend.  The business has possibility, but I have no real knowledge, and nor does he.  It is a gamble, a risk, and an adventure nonetheless. I felt as a famous writer once explained how a traveler came to a road divided and obviously could only go one route.  The choice is one less traveled and one frequented by many.  I have made my decision.  By having this in writing, I see that I must go the road less traveled, for that is who I am, But I will attempt to go the traveled road as well.  I know I can do both, and both I will suceed.  One gives me security and one gives me adventure.  A deadly combination which can only spaw success.  Now I must decide if Rashell will be along for the ride...(to be continued)