"Ain't I a Woman"

“Ain’t I a Woman?”

Last year, I had the most breakthrough experience of my life. One night I went with my older brother, James, to see a local band play at a bar. The place was dark with its dim lights, hiding the sloppiness in the shadows; and it worked until I sat in what could be either beer or piss. Of course, James being of the legal age to drink, was enjoying his PBR’s (A.K.A. Pabst Blue Ribbon). After an hour of suffering, I wonder to myself why I chose to watch my brother and his friends collapse from line dancing out of all the other things I could be doing in Macon. After the show, James' friends had the greatest idea, “Why don’t we go to the Cynergy? It’s right across the street.” The Cynergy is a gay bar and the last place on Earth that I would ever go to; but seeing how James' friends are girls I could understand why they wouldn’t feel uncomfortable going there. Even worst my brother encouraged it, “Why not I love those queers!” he said with drunken conviction. My mind was flipping out. In the end I did little to protest and was on my way to Hell.
I looked with horror as we walked into the loud and exotically gay bar. There were lights and colors everywhere; enough to make my head spin; so I chose to sit at the farthest table possible and in a dry seat this time. The girls I came in with were screaming with laughter at all the pretty girly men, and James was singing “I Got You Babe” with a very masculine Cher. At this point I wanted to die and I almost did when this tall skinny blonde girl strutted towards me in a violet silk dress. “May I sit here,” in an angelic voice. “Sorry I’m not gay,” I said quickly. “Good neither am I. I’m just here with my girlfriends enjoying the circus,” she said giggling. I checked her out for a minute making sure her words were true. She didn’t seem to have a masculine body structure or the cursed apple. I gave her my approval and the seat. We talked for hours about all kinds of stuff, even secrets we never told a living soul until now. I’ve never been in love, but whatever I was feeling, was pretty damn close to it. She moved closer and that was my cue to go in for the kill. Her lips tasted like chocolate strawberries. After the long passionate kiss, we stared into each other’s eyes and that’s when I received the worst news of my life. “Ryan,” she said nervously, “I have something to tell you. I’m not really a girl; I mean I was a guy before, but I got my plumbing reworked and bonus features added so now I am a girl.” There was only one thing I could do; cry. I cried my eyes out, “Oh! My God! I’m gay!” I shrieked. She quickly grabbed my face with her loving touch, and looked into my eyes, “Ryan, I don’t want a queer, I want a man. With these breast, ain’t I a woman? With this dress, ain’t I a woman? And these chocolate strawberry kisses, ain’t I too a woman? So if I’m a woman and you love me, then that makes you the straightest guy here.” Her words were strange, but true. She is a woman and deserved to be treated as one.
Ever since that night my views on homosexuals has change. They are just girls trapped inside men’s bodies looking for a man to free them from their bondage. I was Paula’s man.