A Poor Sucker Thanksgiving

A Poor Sucker Thanksgiving: A Play in Three Acts

Act I: Before Dinner
Poor Sucker opens the door to her family home. The Mother, in Full Martyr Mode, is doing eight different things at once.
Mother, holding out her arms for the twice-a-year hug: “Happy Thanksgiving! Hey, I like that outfit. Is that a new shirt?”
PS, smiling thinly: “No, but thank you. You look nice, too.”
Mother: “I like your hair, too. Did you cut it?”
PS: “No, just washed it. Is there anything I can help you with?”
Mother, as something catches fire behind her: “Oh no. Everything’s under control.”
PS: “Are you sure? Because the oven mitt’s on fire, and….”
Mother: “Oh, no, no. Why don’t you go in and say hi to everyone?”
PS, jokingly: “You know, I was thinking we should have gotten some espresso brownies in addition to biscotti and pie for dessert. You can get them at Starbucks.”
Mother, getting flustered: “Oh, do you think we should? Is Starbucks open today? Maybe you should run out and get some. Because we might not have enough dessert as is.”
PS, feeling guilty already: “No, that’s okay. Pie sounds great! Can I set the table or anything?”
Mother: “No, you just go in and make yourself comfortable. The turkey won’t be ready for at least an hour.”
PS enters the livingroom. The Father, after a long moment, grunts in acknowledgement. The Sister says nothing at all.
Poor Sucker, mock cheerily: “Hi! Happy Thanksgiving.”
Father: ‘Hello. How are the cats?”
PS: “Great!”
Father, without irony: “There’s nuts if you want. And cheese and crackers.”
PS: “Thank you.”
Father: “Do you want a drink?”
PS: “No thank you.”
Father to Sister: “What happened after you left the office?”
Sister: “Well, then Brittany wanted to go to Starbucks, so I said okay, even though I had to get home early and make Todd dinner because he had to work that night. So we went to Starbucks, only there was construction so we had to take a detour, and….”
Mother: “Poor Sucker, do you want a drink? We have cranberry juice and uh…filtered water. And I think we have some orange juice.” (Poor Sucker is a non-drinker.)
PS: “That’s okay, thanks. Maybe I’ll get something later.”
Father: “Everything all right? When do you need me to carve the turkey?”
Mother. as another fire breaks out: “Everything’s great, dear! Everything’s all set! The turkey should be out in an hour and a half.”
Sister: “And then we saw Melissa, and she was going out too, because she had to work that night, and then…did I tell you, she got a new job?”
Father, in deep fascination: “No, did she?”
Sister; “She’s working in insurance in the building right across from the Boston Common, the one where the new gym is. Did I mention that Todd is giving me a membership to the gym for Christmas?”
Father: “He is? Cool! You know, I was at the gym the other day, and there was this guy with his IPod, and….and…” Few seconds silence.
PS: “”Was it a mini-IPod?”
Father: “Don’t interrupt! You’re always interrupting! Can you not interrupt me for once?”
PS: “Sorry.”
Father: “And then he put the treadmill up to a higher speed, but he was so busy listening to his IPod and talking on the cell that he wound up falling off.”
Long silence.
Poor Sucker: “I hope the guy was okay.”
Father, irate: “I told you not to interrupt me!!”
PS, getting up to get a drink: “Mother, how’s it going in there? Ah! Why is there water all over the floor?”
Mother: “Oh, the dishwasher overflowed a little. But it’s all under control. Here let me, get you a drink.”
PS: “I’ll have cranberry juice.”
Mother: “Are you sure? Because we have orange juice, too.”
PS: “No, cranberry’s fine. Would you like me to set the table? Chop veggies? Do dishes?”
Mother, skidding in the water: “No, dear. Everything’s cool!”

Act II: The Dinner
Mother: “Do you think that turkey looks cooked?”
Poor Sucker: “It looks fine.”
Mother, snatching up the plate: “I think it looks too pink. I’m going to put it back in the oven.”
Father to Sister: “Tell me more about your new promotion.”
Sister: “It’s okay, but my boss has this friend who’s a cross-dresser, and he uses the boss’s personal bathroom to change in. And he has a cell which has the most obnoxious ring tone….”
Mother, in deep fascination: “Really?”
Sister: “It plays the theme from Star Trek. Because he’s a Trekkie. He hasn’t finished getting the sex change, though. He’s going to get breast surgery after Christmas.”
Father: “That sounds really interesting. But tell me more about your new position.”
Sister: “I’m in charge of the marketing department’s annual fund-raiser. I have to….”
Mother: “Are you sure the turkey is cooked?”
PS: “Looks good to me.”
Father: “Don’t interrupt your mother when she’s talking!”
PS: “Sorry.”
Sister: “And then we have to go around to all these other offices and collect the donations. It’s a real pain!”
PS: “Mother, this is a really good meal. The cranberry sauce is just fabulous.”
Mother: “Are you sure? Because I didn’t put in as much sugar as I usually do. Instead of a tablespoon, I only put in a teaspoon. Are you sure it’s not too sour?”
PS: “No, it’s perfect.”
Father, pompously: “The entire meal is delicious. You did a great job, as usual.”
Sister: “Yes, it’s very good.”
Mother: “How is Todd doing? He’s having dinner with his parents, isn’t he?”
Sister: “Todd went to his parents yesterday. He couldn’t leave work early, though, because his boss made him work late and fill out the reports which weren’t due until next Thursday. And then the sex change guy came in with cookies for everyone.”
PS: “How….nice.”
Father: “That reminds me, I had lunch with Emily the other day, and she said that she was going to bake cookie for her book club group, and….”
Mother: “I hope I got enough biscotti for everyone. I bought three bags. since we’re going to have pie too, but….”
Sister: “And then Melissa came in, and said that she was thinking about getting a sex change, too….”
Father: “Emily is going to go a trip to Africa in February. She got an assignment to write about her trip. She’s very excited.”
Mother: “Emily’s really enjoying her retirement, isn’t she?”
Father: “She sure is.”
Sister: “My boss’s friend’s cousin’s boyfriend is going to go to Australia. He has a friend there.”
Father: “Really? Cool.”
Mother: “Poor Sucker, would you like to take home some turkey for your cats?”
PS: “Sure. Thanks.”
Mother: “I bet they’re looking forward to it.”
PS, smiling thinly: “I’m sure they are.”
Sister: “Todd’s girlfriend’s sister is going to France next summer. Their parents have a home there.”
Mother: “Are you sure the turkey isn’t too undercooked?”

Act III: After Dinner
Mother: “Here’s the pie. It might be a little cool. Do you think I should put it back in the oven?”
PS: “Looks fine to me.”
Mother, snatching up plate: “I’m going to put it back in for ten more minutes.”
Sister: “And then Denny went to the gym, and he brought in a latte from Starbucks, only the manager wouldn’t let him bring the coffee into the weight room, so he had to drink it outside, and he wasn’t happy about that.”
Father, heartily: “I bet he wasn’t!”
PS: “Is that standard policy: no coffee in the gym?”
Father: “Don’t interrupt!”
Sister: “I don’t know. But Denny was really upset. Did I tell you that he got a promotion. too?”
Father: “Really?”
Sister: “He’s the associate assistant. No, wait, the assistant associate. No, the associate assistant. Anyway, he’s making enough money to buy a second home. In France. Where he might get a sex change.”
Mother: “You guys get started on the biscotti. I got three kinds. Coffee almond, chocolate, and chocolate hazelnut cinnamon. Do you think that’s enough, or should I have gotten more?”
PS: “Looks delicious. I can’t wait to try them.”
Father: “I think the pie is done by now.”
Mother: “No, it’s not. The timer hasn’t rung yet. There’s still four more minutes.”
Father: “I think it’s ready anyway.”
Mother, snappishly: “Well, if it’s ice cold, don’t blame me!”
Father, acting hurt: “I wasn’t blaming you. I was only trying to help..”
Mother: “It didn’t sound like it!”

They consume the dessert. Mother, annoyed at the Father, for questioning her cooking wisdom, finds ways to get in little digs. The Father digs back. The Sister continues to chat about nothing at all. Poor Sucker eats quickly and prays for the meal to be over soon.

PS, after a reasonable time has passed: “Well, I think it’s time for me to go.”
Mother: “Oh, don’t go yet! We’re having such a good time seeing you!”
Father: “Yes, don’t go yet. Want to play Scrabble? Or take a walk? More cranberry juice?”
PS: “No, sorry, I really have to go.”
Mother, perkily: “Don’t forget the turkey!”
PS: “I won’t.”
Mother: “Because your cats will be disappointed if you don’t.”
PS: “I know.”
Sister: “And then Brittany met this guy over the Internet, only he was going to get a sex change, too….”

The End