Slow Death (Part I)

She was going to kill him, she had to; she had had enough. She thought about killing him all day long for weeks and weeks on end. She was sick and tired of his mood swings, his selfishness, his close mindedness, his ignorance, his inability to sustain relationships, his outbursts, his lack of emotion, his total disregard for her feelings, and especially his rare affirmations of love and devotion. In three words "he was an ass." But surely this is no reason to kill someone is it?

She had been looking at him strangely lately. She could clearly understand why she was attracted to him but what she could not understand was why she was still with him considering all that she had learned about him over these past few years. She met him when she was 38 years old and he was 42. She was now 51 and he was 65. He was not someone she would have readily talked to but he said something to her that no one had ever said and having said those words she was intrigued if nothing else. What he told her was that he would never "cross" her and all she could think was that this man is pretty sure of himself, I wonder if he really means it. He didn't ask for sex and he wasn't much of a talker but he was consistent. Every moment that he could he spent with her and her children (1 boy and 1 girl ages 8 and 10 respectively).

He never lied because he never talked and when he did talk it was usually about a particular situation that needed to be dealt with immediately like what's for dinner or I got tickets for a show. Stuff like that. He was very easy going and being around him was comfortable. She had had a hard life when it came to relationships so she welcomed this respite. She was emotional and volitile at times and he dealt with this in the same way that he dealt with anything, he emotionally detached himself from the situation. He detached himself physically as well. So needless to say they broke up many times.

Time passed and there they were trying it once more. He promised marriage if she would come back to him, so she did as requested. She felt that marriage to him would be stable if nothing else. she had been married twice before and wasn't really that anxious to get married but felt that if they were going to live together, then marriage would be best. All in all they had known each other for 20 years. They lived together for five years and then as they say "the s_ _t" hit the fan.

His wife died, yes I said wife, and she was shocked, to say the least, she did not know that he was married because he had always told her that he was divorced. Not only was he married but he had children, other than the three that she knew about. So, of course, he was responsible for the funeral because he was actually married to the woman for over 40 years. Imagine that, there she was waiting for him to marry her and he was married all the time. When she confronted him about this he just said okay so I lied and I am not going to get married and then did what he always did when he didn't want to deal with a situation. He left the house for destinations unknown. What a slap in the face. All that she had done for him and with him seemed like a horribly bad joke.

She cried to family and friends. She was morally outraged and to think she thought that she knew him. Well as it went, he was the only named beneficiary of the dead wife's insurance and he also was to receive a small stipend from her government retirement. All she kept thinking was, morally he should not profit from the death of someone that he had basically abandoned with three small children, offering no child-support to take care of those children ever. She didn't know about the child support until the death of the wife. He obviously saw nothing wrong with it and was appalled that she even suggested that he give the money to the children, even though they were grown now. She felt like a fool. She had been taken advantage of in the most heinous way. He had used her love for him against her and felt that she would not leave him because it really didn't change anything about their relationship. It was then that she decided to kill him.

She watched Court TV and knew that with technology and forensics being what they were that she would probably not be able to get away with it. She couldn't hire a hit man because you could never account for someone else's conscious or their desire to cleanse themselves in the eyes of God or law enforcement. She couldn't use one of those untraceable poisons because purchasing something like that would leave a trail leading back to her. She did not know what to do, she only knew that she had to kill him. She felt violated, betrayed, used, and decieved. She also felt that all who knew of the situation was laughing at her. She couldn't stand it, it was making her crazy.

Then it came to her like a flash of light, a bolt of lightining she could kill him and get away with it and none would be the wiser. She was going to make him invisible. He would no longer exist for her. That sounds easy but it is not something that once should casually undertake. One by one she began remove the need for him to do anything for her. She started going out by herself; to shows, to the store, to do laundry, general shopping, anything that they used to do together. She stopped asking him to go to family functions, she went alone. She no longer asked what he wanted for dinner and ate her dinner out. When she did cook, she cooked for one. She spent weekends with her children so he was left to his own devices. She no longer cared what he did or was doing. She rarely spoke to him and when she was at home she was usually on the phone with her friends or family. She no longer cared how he was feeling. He had some teeth removed and became very sick and when he was sick everyone near him knew about it. She just didn't care. He sought her sympathy and concern but she had none left to give. Her response to his queries was to take a Motrin and lay down. She went about her business as if he did not exist.

The strangest thing happened though. No, he did not decide that he would marry her but he did start talking and following her around the house. She found this very annoying because he was like a fly buzzing around your face. You try to kill it but it keeps getting away. He was dead, he just didn't know it. She was beginning to make arrangements to move and live on her own. She had the support of her children and that is all that she cared about. Yes, she was hurt, deeply hurt and she cried a lot but she knew what she had to do. He was not the man that she thought he was and that meant something to her. He had betrayed her in the worst possible way and in essence he killed himself. He had plenty of time over the years to come clean with her, she probably could have forgiven him then. But to discover who he was the way that she did, well there is no excuse.

So, she decided to kill him. She erased him, she made him invisible and all that was left were memories. Whatever she was to him didn't matter any longer because he meant nothing to her anymore. The relationship was merely a dream that she had finally awaken from and as dreams go you have fleeting images of what was but you can never quite recall the entire dream.