HERO. (part 2)

THE PREVIOUS TUESDAY

The front door to Vinnie’s cruddy trailer cracks open only a few inches. His face squeezed into the gap he says quietly, “Dude, this is not the time.”
“I just called you fifteen minutes ago. You said it was fine for me to come over.”
He pulls his head back, looks around and jams his face back into the opening. “Well, dude, that was fifteen minutes ago.”
“Vin, Bernice kicked me out. As you can see, it’s pouring out here. All of my crap is in couple boxes in the back of my truck getting rained on. And you said I could crash here no more than fifteen minutes ago.”
“Shhh!” He looks back inside and the door opens wide enough to see the only thing he has on is his tar spotted plaid red work jacket wrapped around his waist. “Just calm down a second.”
“Who’s in there?”
“Nobody. Just chill.”
A feminine voice calls from somewhere inside, “Vinnie, what are you doing? Who is it?”
“Uh.” He looks at me nervously, “Nobody. Just Jehovah’s witnesses!”
“At ten thirty at night?”
A face appears in my mind to match the voice. “Is that Stephanie?”
“Yeah. They’re putting in overtime!” He yells back.
“I thought she dumped you.”
He nods at me. “She did.”
“What, does she want to get back together?” He shrugs and looks everywhere but at me. I drop my shoulders, “So you’re leaving me out here in the rain for some late night sex romp with your ex?”
“She just showed up ten minutes ago with nothing but a trench coat and a bottle of Stoli.”
“Tell them to go away!”
“Just a second! He’s giving me a pamphlet.”
“I’m coming in.” I move up the cinder block steps.
He puts his hand on my chest. “Dude, hang on!” He stands there looking around trying to decide what to do next. Finally he puts his hand down, “Ok but you gotta be quiet.” He whispers.
“Fine.”
“Alright.” He steps back and lets me in. “Do you need any help with your stuff?”
I stare at him to make sure he’s serious. “No. I got it. Don’t worry. Just close the bedroom door so she doesn’t hear me coming in and out.”
“Alright.” And with that he’s clutching his jacket and running back into the bedroom. As he closes the door I hear him say, “How about some music?”
I stand there in the doorway a second waiting for the music to start so I can sneak back out when suddenly I let out a loud, nasal shattering sneeze. I wrap my hand around my mouth and freeze. Door closed or not, the walls are not thick enough to stop that sound.
“What was that?” I hear her ask.
“I don’t know. Sounded like the neighbor’s dog.”
“That wasn’t a dog you idiot. Someone just sneezed.”
“Who would sneeze? It’s just us.”
“Maybe the Jehovah’s witnesses are robbing you.”
“That’s absolutely ridiculous.”
“Go check!”
A second later the bedroom door rips open and Vinnie comes stomping down the hall. With one hand covering his genitals, he comes out and shoots me a ‘what was that?’ look.
I shrug and mouth the word, ‘Sorry.’
Looking at me he calls back to her. “There is nothing out here. I’m telling you, it was the neighbor’s dog.”
Before either of us can react, Stephanie comes down the hall naked, “I swore I heard a—AHHH!”
She sidesteps quickly into the kitchen and ducks behind the counter. “Vinnie what the hell is he doing here?”
“Hey Steph.”
“Hey Ernie.” She calls over the counter. “What’s going on? How’s Bernice?”
“She kicked me out. So at the moment I’d say she’s full of wrath.”
“Sorry Ern.”
“I’m sorry. I called Vinnie a little bit ago and he told me I could crash here.” I punch him in the shoulder. “I didn’t know he had company.”
“This was a spur of the moment thing. You know.”
“Sure.”
“I’m sorry Ernie, but could you, um, turn around or something. I need to get back to the bedroom.”
“Oh right. I’ve got some stuff outside anyway.” I turn and get out as quickly as I can.
I pull the tarp up and get my suitcase and black garbage bag full of clothes out of the bed of the truck and start back across the puddle covered mud hole that is Vinnie’s ‘lawn.’ As I push open the door I hear Stephanie screaming in the bedroom calling Vinnie every name she can think to call him. I drop my stuff on his couch as she steps out of the bedroom still yelling. She comes down the hall in her trench coat and black heels and sees that I am back inside.
She rolls her eyes and points her thumb back over her shoulder toward Vinnie, who has finally managed to find some jeans. “I’m sorry Ernie. He didn’t say anything.”
“It’s fine. You don’t need to apologize.”
She stands there as if somehow obligated, trying to think of what to say next. “I’m sure everything will be fine. She just needs time to cool off. You know Bernie.”
I nod politely.
She sighs, “Well, take care. Good luck.” She spins on her heels and looks at Vinnie. “And you.” She points at him a long second, then realizes she has nothing to say and storms out.
Vinnie runs his hands back and forth through his dirty brown hair. “Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Chicks, man.” He shakes his head. “You want a beer or something?”
“Sure.”
He ducks into the fridge and grabs a couple bottles. “Man, that girl…” he fades out as he pops the bottles open. “She’s a hellcat. Let me tell you.”
“Actually, I don’t really care all that much.”
“But you just saw her body right? So you know what I mean.”
“I’m not really up for discussing it.” I move my stuff to the side of the couch and sit down.
He comes out of the kitchen, “Oh come on. We’re men aren’t we? How long have we been friends? I’m ok that you saw my girlfriend naked.”
“Ex-girlfriend.” I take the bottle from him.
“Whatever. I’m just saying, its not a big deal.” He sits down next to me and starts looking around for the remote to the 32 inch flat screen TV and home theater system that I’m almost positive costs more than this dumpy old trailer. When he finds it, he turns the TV on. “Besides.” He takes a swig. “I’ve seen Bernie naked.”
“When?”
“What?” He asks as he starts scanning the channels.
“When did you see Bernie naked?”
“At Floyd Kessler’s birthday party. Senior year remember? That big pool party he had? I walked in on her changing out of her bikini. I told you about that.”
“No you didn’t.”
“I’m sure I did.” He takes another drink and passes another fifteen stations.
“I think I’d remember something like that. So what you’re saying is that you saw my wife naked before I did?”
“Yeah, but she wasn’t your wife then. You guys hadn’t even been dating that long. What? Maybe a month?”
“Why didn’t Bernice ever say something?”
“Because it’s no big deal!” He stops on a movie. “Oh awesome, and it just started too.”
“But how come--?”
“Look,” he turns to me, “All of that has nothing to with anything anymore. That was like twelve years ago. It’s not like I even remember what she looked like. Now come on, Die Hard is on. Let it go.”
I take a drink, “Yeah you’re right. That’s stupid. I’ve got bigger problems now.”
Vinnie nods.
“I think this is the one you know? I mean, there’s fighting and then there’s this fight. Married people argue you know what I mean? That’s just part of the package, but I don’t know there’s something different about this one. We’ve been married what, nine years now? She's thrown me out before, but I don’t know. Maybe this is it. Maybe she’s done with taking me back.
“What’s it about this time?”
“She’s tired of me being lazy.”
“How are you lazy? You go to work, get up at five to do it most days. Work out in the sun all day long busting your butt to build things.”
“She’s talking more about at home.”
“Wow, heaven forbid you’re burnt out from all the manual labor by the time you get home.”
“I know, but with her doing this whole community college thing and working part time, she just wants me to help out around the house.”
“So if you get her whole argument and think she’s right, then what’s your problem?”
“I’ve had about two hours to think about it as I was packing up. Only really came to me after I was already out.”
“Then call her up and tell her you’ve seen the light.”
“No, it won’t work. I can try tomorrow.” I take another drink. “But what do I do? To be honest, I don’t know what more I can be done. I mean, you can only buy so much candy and flowers before they don’t work anymore. All that stuff is just a band-aid on a broken wrist anyway. I need something more. I need to prove myself.”
Vinnie laughs, “You need Hans Gruber.”
“I do.” I shake my head in agreement. “So is that your way of telling me to shut up and watch the movie?”
“No man.” He points at the TV. “John McClane’s marriage is shot right?”
“Sure.”
“What gets him and his wife back together?”
“Petty thieves disguised as terrorists?”
“Exactly.”
“Right.” I nod again. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m saying,” He mutes the movie and turns toward me. “you want to prove yourself, you need to save the day cowboy.” He slaps me on the knee and takes a long swig. “You’ve got powers right?”
“One power. I can jump really high.”
“Hey, it’s something. More than I can do.”
“So, what you’re saying is we put Bernice’s life in peril, I save the day, and then we’re good?”
“Then you’re riding off in the limo as credits roll.”
“Vinnie, I know that with all of tonight’s crazy events, I haven’t gotten a chance to tell you, but you’re out of your mind.”
“It’s foolproof.”
“It’s stupid!” I jump off the couch. “I’m not about to risk the life of my wife just so I can save her.”
Vinnie stands up looking off somewhere in the distance. “Ok, so what if you didn’t save her, but you saved someone else? Like what if we made you a public hero? What if we got you out there and you did something really heroic? I’m talking front page news, I’m talking Larry King. I’m saying national headlines. Suddenly you’re a big time celebrity? She’d be crazy not to take you back!”
And it doesn’t bad. In fact it sounds feasible. “So I just use my power to do something really heroic, and Bernice sees that I’ve become a big time hero…”
“And she’s head over heels. What chick doesn’t love having a big strong stud around? So what if you didn’t vacuum, you saved hundreds of lives!”
“Hundreds?”
He shrugs. “Why not?”
“Yeah. Yeah maybe that could work. I could be like John McClane.”
Vinnie tosses back the last bit of beer and throws the bottle on the carpet. “Yippy-kay-yay.”