Interview from Hell

(Lights go up, the stage is an office, with a woman sitting at the desk)
(Gary Enters)
Gary: Hello?
Eudora: Oh come in come in. I am Eudora, head of processing, nice to meet you…
Gary: Gary, Gary Moss
Eudora: I am Eudora. Okay so I just have a few questions to start and then hopefully we can open a dialogue.
Gary: Ok
Eudora: What makes you qualified for this position?
Gary: Um…uh I suppose it’s the experience factor, and I work really hard. (Eudora laughs a little)
Eudora: How much experience do you have?
Gary: Ten years of working in an office really similar to this.
Eudora: Ten years…wow. Describe the relationship that should exist between a supervisor and those reporting to him or her?
Gary: Uh well the, uh…that’s not the usual interview question.
Eudora: you have no idea. (Her assistant voices comes from offstage or intercom on Eudora desk)
Assistant: Eudora: Eudora: Eudora (Eudora hits button on intercom)
Eudora: Yes?
Assistant: He has some papers for you.
Eudora: Who?
Assistant: I sent him in.
Eudora: my assistant the paragon of perfection.
(Pride enters holding a mirror and papers)
Pride: Here you go (drops papers on floor)
Eudora: (picks them up) Thanks
Pride: You know Eudora; you should really take better care of yourself.
Eudora: Well some of us have to interview applicants all day.
Pride: Oh yes, sorry about your demotion.
Eudora: I am sure you are. Now I have a job to do.
Pride: Right bye (exits)
Gary: Why did you get demoted?
Eudora: Oh Hun this isn’t an interview for me, I am flattered though.
Gary: Is he your boss?
Eudora: One of them.
Gary: If I get this job are you going to be my boss?
Eudora: Oh well it all depends where I put you. Usually there aren’t many opening positions in processing. You have to work for them, or well not work for them I suppose. Lets get into the juicy questions.
Gary: How juicy?
Eudora: What’s the martial status? Single?
Gary: No I am married or at least I was married. We are on a trial separation.
Eudora: Oh tough. Any kids?
Gary: Yeah a boy and a girl.
Eudora: Really How old?
Gary: Well James is 13 and his sister Phoebe is 16.
Eudora: Aw teenagers. I never had kids of mine own. I didn’t really have a chance. I was a bit of an outcast in my hometown.
Gary: I am sure you weren’t.
Eudora: Oh no, my attempts to be nice defiantly went up in smoke. (Assistant voice cuts in)
Assistant: Eudora Eudora Eudora
Eudora: Yes
Assistant: …needs to see you in the conference room.
Eudora: Who?
Assistant: What?
Eudora: Who needs to see me?
Assistant: What?
Eudora: WHO NEEDS TO SEE ME?
Assistant: WHAT?
Eudora: Sorry I need to go and see what the issue is.
Assistant: WHAT?
Gary: That’s okay. (Eudora exits. Gary gets up and walks around the office. Goes through papers on desk. Woman enters)
Woman: Why hello. (Growls)
Gary: (startled) Oh hi.
Woman: Who are you? Wait I already know you are one big hunk of man meat.
Gary: me?
Woman: Yes you sexy.
Gary: I…who are you?
Woman: You don’t need to worry about that. (Woman puts Gary in chair and sits on him, she rubs his head sensually) You have a lot of stress don’t you.
Gary: Oh yeah (getting in to his head rub) (Woman 2 enters)
W2: Hey, hey what are you guys doing?
Woman: Oh its you. (gets off of Gary)
W2: Who is that?
Woman: Nobody.
W2: You know who it is, why aren’t you telling me?
Woman: He is mine! That’s all you need to know.
W2: No but I want him.
Woman: Did you get here first?
W2: No but you always get things that I don’t. It’s not fair, not fair. (W2 begins to stomp feet) I want him I want him. (Throws temper tantrum) It’s not fair, I want him. (Eudora enters)
Eudora: What’s going on here? (Gary looks really confused) Hey (snaps fingers) what’s going on?
Woman: Well I stumbled upon this little charmer you’ve been keeping locked away, you bad girl Eudora.
W2: Its unfair she gets everything. I want what she has.
Eudora: Take this someplace else; I am still in the middle of an interview. Go, bye bye. (Woman and w2 exit)
Gary: You have some unusual people running around this office. It must be fun to work here.
Eudora: Fun, eternity, torture all just words. It was free margarita day in the fourth sector. (Holds up glass) You don’t want a sip do you? Oh no you wouldn’t you don’t drink.
Gary: How did?
Eudora: The last applicant you came in here reeked of alcohol. Stumbling in, tried to sober him up but it was no use. So next question. So we established that you are married, and separated, kids, you don’t drink. Have you consumed any narcotics?
Gary: No
Eudora: Not even once, in high school, didn’t experiment?
Gary: What no, what kind of question is this?
Eudora: So you were pretty much boring, okay. (Person enters and goes to drink and drinks all of Eudora’s drink)
Gary: What..
Eudora: Ssshh don’t move, they won’t see us.
(Person continues to riffle through Eudora’s desk, sniffs the air, is about to leave, Gary sneezes)
Person: Hey, hey do you have any food? (Eudora exhales)
Eudora: Who let you out?
Person: Eudora, you have food don’t you?
Eudora: No I don’t. Why would I have food.
Person: I don’t know, you, you are new, you have food don’t you?
Gary: No
Person: (takes Gary buy the jacket collar) Your lying you have some I know I can tell.
Eudora: (snaps) hey, they are serving margaritas in sector 4.
Person: Really? (Runs out of room)
Eudora: I am sorry.
Gary: That’s okay I guess.
Eudora: They’re a vice president so they think they run this place.
Gary: Oh
Eudora: So what’s you religion?
Gary: What? Do these personal question affect if I get the job or not?
Eudora: well it depends, if you answer them correctly. So, your religion?
Gary; I think I’ve had enough, these questions are…
Eudora: What? You don’t think I should try my hardest to find the best position for you in this corporation. Because you have a position regardless I am trying to place you.
Gary: Oh
Eudora: So what’s your religion?
Gary: Why can’t you just ask me other questions, maybe not so personal?
Eudora: Gary do you want to be stuck pushing mail around with some Mormons, no I don’t think so.
Gary: What?
Eudora: It will just be more comfortable this way.
Gary: Ok, I am Catholic, well my family was Lutheran but when I got married my wife wanted to raise the kids Catholic, yeah it was the root of many of our arguments.
Eudora: Oh a convert. Your wife was wrong you should have raised the kids Lutherans we have a lot less of them down here. (Man enters)
Man: Eudora what is this? (Holds paper)
Eudora: I am not sure, I can’t see it.
Man: These TPS reports aren’t properly done.
Eudora: And that matters why?
Man: Efficiency. Once we attain Efficiency we make a bigger profit. Do you think we are running some charitable (cringes) organization here, no.
Eudora: It’s not my fault less people are coming here.
Man: It’s not even that, people won’t even make deals with us.
Eudora: I wonder why, our contracts are insane.
Man: We need to stop looking like an evil corporation… and more like
Eudora: A charitable organization, that people like.
Man: Our advertising needs to change.
Eudora: Well I think you should take that up with advertisement.
Man: I hate to deal with those witches. (Looks at Eudora) Sorry. Just correct his TPS report. All these errors and you could earn another demotion. I don’t think you would want to become a janitor. (Man exits)
Gary: Wow he’s a jerk.
Eudora: They all are. So where were we?
Gary: We covered the religion topic.
Eudora: Oh yes, what is your party?
Gary: Excuse me?
Eudora: You know, republican, socialist, communist, green, so on?
Gary: Oh I don’t know, I guess I am more of a democrat then anything.
Eudora: Interesting? At your last job, were you fired or…?
Gary: Actually… I think I am still there.
Eudora: So you didn’t corrupt any bank files? You haven’t set your building on fire?
Gary: No
Eudora: Interesting. Gary I like you (pause) So I need you to be straight with me.
Gary: Ok
Eudora: Have you murdered someone?
Gary: What No!
Eudora: Did it suddenly get hotter in here?
Gary: Yeah I suppose.
Eudora: Get under my desk quick. (Gary doesn’t move) Come on (she moves Gary under her desk) (man in red enters)
MR: Eudora, What is this I hear about your wrong TPS reports?
Eudora: They are just reports.
MR: They are more then that, you don’t seem to care about this corporation anymore.
Eudora: I do care.
MR: Really, because you act like you don’t and unfortunately that makes me very angry. Eudora you were a rising star once you first came here, but after you released Dan Brown your productivity has been going down.
Eudora: how was I supposed to know he was going to write a book like that? Listen, you seven run around here like you own this place, just because the big guy
MR: Don’t tell me you think you know the president. I am his left hand man.
Eudora: I was his left hand woman once.
MR: Yeah well you aren’t anymore, that’s why you have it sit here and interview loser after loser.
Eudora: I gave everything I had for the president.
MR: Everything you have Eudora? The president made me, I have been here longer then you, and so you can’t pretend to think your better then me.
Eudora: You aren’t human.
MR: Eudora you are infuriating. (Mr exits)
Eudora: you’re, you’re always infuriated. (Gary comes out from behind desk)
Gary: Are you okay?
Eudora: I am fine. Excuse me (exits) (Gary wonders around office, while his back is turned a demon jumps on Eudora’s desk, Gary turns around and screams when he see it. Eudora enters. She gets bottle from side of desk and squirts it)
Eudora: Down, down (keeps squirting) shoo, shoo (demon hisses and exits)
Gary: What in the hell was that?
Eudora: Just a little demon.
Gary: A little what?
Eudora: Demon. We call them crawlers.
Gary: Where am I?
Eudora: Where do you think?
Gary: I am in hell, but how.
Eudora: We prefer h-e double hockey stick, No just kidding. Amnesia of death sometimes occurs when the person dies unexpectedly. You I believe died of a gun shot (goes over to computer and types something in) Yeah you were shot when you were waiting in line at a bank. Bank robbery, it’s a shame because there are many more advances ways to pirate money.
Gary: But, why were you interviewing me?
Eudora: It finds where you belong in hell. See with the rest of the world we have stepped into the 21ist century, no more crows pecking at your eyes or rolling a stone up a hill. Now it’s filing papers, or the cubical maze, or the photocopier that is always broken.
Gary: What?
Eudora: Oh yes, see many people start off in an entry-level position but some advance quickly to jobs like middle management, or assistants. Mine unfortunately died in an explosion so she is a little hard of hearing. If you advance you could get an office with a window view of the river Styx. (Pulls shade up over at window)
Gary: So I am dead. I am never going to see my family again.
Eudora: At least you will be remembered reverendly. Your family could have burned you.
Gary: What?
Eudora: I was burned at the stake, all the way back in Salem. (Gary starts to cry) It’s best if you can forget and move on.
Gary: Move on, move on! To what? Pushing mail around, walking around in some office abyss.
Eudora: To be fair, Mormons do the mail, Catholics file the papers. But you, you might skip all that, we don’t get competent people like you every day. In fact we hardly get anybody at all, people are really turning their lives around. To think we thought cancer would up our numbers but no.
Gary: This is a dream I am dreaming, I am going to wake up on my futon in my studio apartment covered in sweat any time now (lays down on ground)
Eudora: You know if you don’t believe me I’ll bring in Uta Hagen, she has the office next to mine.
Gary: Excuse but I am trying to wake up.
Eudora: Babe, you can try all you want but its not going to work. Listen it’s not as bad as you might think.
Gary: I am not supposed to be here I lead a good life.
Eudora: I am not in charge of that you just showed up in my office. Casual Friday’s tomorrow, well all go out to TGI Fridays after work. It’s free margarita Thursday. I know you didn’t drink in your old life but it might be a good time to start. No hangovers here.
Gary: You don’t understand.
Eudora: Oh I understand.
Gary: No you don’t, I had a good life I wasn’t ready to die.
Eudora: Do you think anybody is ready to die when they do? And besides sleeping on a futon in a studio apartment sounds like you really made it.
Gary: What would you know, you were a pilgrim.
Eudora: No I was a witch, still am. What do think hell will be like for you? Give it a chance, work here get an apartment somewhere, break into the dating world. But I’ll tell you don’t go for anyone who died in Pompeii, they have the biggest denial.
Gary: This is still hell.
Eudora: Hell, smell, just words. It’s about the experience.
Gary: But why is hell portrayed as bad.
Eudora: oh don’t get me wrong it really sucks sometimes, especially when you have to deal with one of the sevens. But I don’t really have anything to compare to, except well my old life that was well set a blaze, so that didn’t end well. I can’t go to heaven.
Gary: Sevens?
Eudora: Oh yeah the seven deadly sins, you’ve meet them.
Gary: I have?
Eudora: Yeah they like to come in and out of my office. You’ve meet at least 6 of them, but sloth never moves.
Gary: Wait so all those people.
Eudora: Yes.
Gary: I guess they weren’t that bad, that last guy though he was a little intense. (Gary laughs) Oh god I am hallucinating.
Eudora: Hey don’t use that language.
Gary: What?
Eudora: Don’t use the G word.
Gary: God?
Eudora: Yeah that one.
Gary: This isn’t real this is all in my mind.
Eudora: Gary I though we were making progress. You can meet Uta, if you want.
Gary: It’s just in my mind, just in my mind.
Eudora: You are forcing me to do something I don’t want to do. (Gary is in fetal position rocking back and forth) Gary stand up, stand up. Fine I am going to have to do it. (Picks up squirt bottle and squirts Gary. Gary slowly gets up Eudora stops when he is standing)
Gary: Stop.
Eudora: I am going to show you something (takes off his coat to reveal a blood spot on his white button down shirt) Look down (Gary looks down) Gary you’re dead, there isn’t anyway to sugar coat it, you’re dead.
Gary: I am really dead. (Eudora pokes his blood spot)
Eudora: Yes. (Goes to desk) So how does the banking sector sound? A little ironic I suppose but I think you will do well. (Assistant voices)
Assistant: Eudora Eudora Eudora
Eudora: YES?
Assistant: A Gary Moss is out here.
Eudora: No he is in here.
Assistant: What?
Eudora: just send whomever it is in.
Assistant: WHAT?
Eudora: Never mind.
Assistant: I’ll just send them in.
Eudora: Thank you
Assistant: What?
Eudora: YOU’RE DEAF
Assistant: no need to be so mean about it
(Gary Moss 2 enters, followed by a disgruntled looking nurse with angel wings)
Angel Nurse: We got one of yours…again.
Gary Moss2: Dude, nice shirt.
Eudora: You’re kidding.
Angle Nurse: Nope (shoves GM2 into center of room)
Eudora: Well are you sure you got it right, here come look at his file. (Eudora and Angel Nurse have conversation in corner)
Gary: So, your name is Gary?
Gary 2: Dude, How did you know that?
Gary: My name is Gary Moss. We got mixed up, I think. So what’s it like up there.
Gary 2: Dude its okay, a working stiff like you might like it. Mitzy over there seems real uptight.
Gary: But its okay, no filing papers, no photocopiers, no mormons?
Eudora: No Gary that’s just down here.
Gary 2: Whoa how did you know my name? Whoa look at my hands.
Eudora: Seems you two have the same birthday, and the same name, and you died the same time the same way.
Gary: Wow
Angel Nurse: Lets go
Eudora: Can we have a moment?
Angel Nurse: Fine. (Continues to pick at nails)
Eudora: We had fun today didn’t we?
Gary: What? Oh yeah I guess.
Eudora: You take care of yourself, send me a postcard.
Gary: Okay, I don’t know how that would work.
Eudora: I was kidding. It makes sense you go to heaven though; you did have a good life. So have another good in the hereafter.
Gary: Thanks for making me come to terms with it.
Eudora: Goodbye
Gary: Bye, Eudora take care of yourself don’t let those sevens boss you around
Eudora: I won’t.
Gary: Goodbye and drink a margarita for me.
Angel Nurse: Come on already, some of us have bon bon’s to eat and soap operas to watch. (Gary and Angel Nurse exit. Eudora turns to Gary 2)
Eudora: So you are Gary Moss as well?
Gary2: Yeah dude.
Eudora: have a seat
Gary2: K dude
Eudora: (aside) this is going to be a long interview. So what makes you qualified for this position? (lights go down)