What if?

I walked over to the computer to see if anyone was on. I scanned the list, looking at all the familiar screen names. James was on. He was my best friend, like my older brother. I clicked his screen name and typed a quick “hello” into the box that popped up.
“Hey, this isn’t James, its Nate. James’ missing; he’s been missing since late yesterday night.”
The words blared across the computer screen. I just stared at them, every worst possible scenario going through my mind. What if he’s was in an accident, what if he shot himself, what if he’s lost?
What if I’ll never see him again?
“What?!?” I typed back.
“We don’t know where he is, if you know anything please tell us.” Nate, James’ friend, responded.
“Oh gosh, James isn’t like this. He’d never do anything like this.”
“Yeah I know, well I’ve gotta go. I’ll let you know if we find out anything.”
“Alright, thanks.”
And then Nate got off.
What if James never comes back? What if the last time I would ever get to talk to him was two nights ago? No. This couldn’t be happening.
I picked up my phone and dialed his cell number. It rang once. Twice. After the fourth time the voice message went off.
“James, what’s going on? When you get this call me please, ok?” My voice started to break and I hung up. How could this happen?
James lived in Chicago with his parents, two sisters, and recently his cousin had come to stay with them for a while. His brother was in college. James and his brother were complete opposites. James had long shaggy black hair and almost always wore a black tee-shirt and jeans. He wasn’t depressed; it was just what he liked. Adam, James’ brother, was the complete opposite. During high school he was known as the “Abercrombie model” if that gives you any idea what he was like. He played basketball and football, and if every girl was completely honest they would say that they all, at one time or another, had a crush on him.
I went offline, into my room, and turned on some music. I looked at my ceiling, staring at the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars and tried to sort out my thoughts, and avoid thinking that there was a bullet in James’ head. James wasn’t the kind of guy that would commit suicide, I knew that. But then, I thought he was the kind of guy that wouldn’t run away—especially while his parents were on vacation and he was left to take care of his 15-year-old cousin, Rachel, and his two sisters.
I put my cell phone right by me, just in case he called. Tears started to silently fall down my cheeks. Because I lived in Michigan and he lived in Chicago, I didn’t see him much. We didn’t e-mail each other constantly or talk online a lot, but just knowing that he was gone made me miss him.

I woke up the next morning and immediately thought about James. I went to the computer and checked my e-mail, just incase Nate had found out anything. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Nate’s e-mail address.
“Hey Dani, James’ still gone and we don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. We’ve tried calling his cell constantly, but he won’t pick up. I dunno, everyone else seems to have it all together. They’re sure he’ll be alright, and I wanna believe them but I can’t. I’ve gotta stay strong for Rachel because she keeps crying and I can’t let her see that I’m scared too. I just don’t know who to talk to. His family doesn’t know yet, besides Rachel of course. His parents are traveling somewhere in Europe, his older sister is at camp, and his younger sister is staying with a friend for a couple days and we haven’t told her that James is gone. I just can’t believe he would do something like this and not leave a note or anything. I mean, he’s screwed up, heck we all screw up once and a while, I guess the problem with James is that he thinks too much. You’re just supposed to deal with it, try to make it right, and move on, but he just beats himself up about everything. I’m sorry for rambling like this, and nothing is coming out the way I want it to, so I should just stop.
~Nate”

I went into my room and got my cell and tried calling him again. Still no answer.
“James, call me back. I’m worried. Everyone’s worried. Where are you?” I hung up and just stood in my room. I couldn’t think anymore. I felt completely empty and sick inside.
Slowly, I dragged my exhausted body up the stairs and into the bathroom. I grabbed a towel and washcloth from the closet and got into the shower. My mind was wandering to all the horrible things that could have happened.
What if he was in an accident?
What if he shot himself?
Where was he?
What if he never comes back?
I got out of the shower and picked up my cell for the third time. James didn’t pick up. I got dressed and then sat in front of my computer, waiting for Nate to get on. I turned on some music to drown out my thoughts and walked into the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream. Our house was small. The kitchen was a lavender color and had purple rose wall paper on one wall. The freezer was full, mostly with food that wasn’t good anymore and that wouldn’t be thrown away for another year or so when my mom finally decided to go through it all. I came back down to the computer with a bowl completely full of mint chocolate chip ice cream and sat there for the longest time, just waiting, checking my e-mails every few minutes. Finally Nate’s screen name came up.
“He’s…uh…not home yet.”
“I’ve tried calling him three times and he won’t pick up.” I typed back.
“Yeah, I don’t know how many times we’ve tried calling him. Rachel is a mess and all the guys are over here just incase he shows up. They all say he’ll be back soon, I dunno. I wanna believe them, but I can’t. Does that make sense?” To be honest with myself, I felt the same way.
“Yeah, it does.” I replied.
“Wait just a second.” Nate typed back.
He was gone for a couple minutes and then Nate typed “We found a note from James!”
“What!! What does it say?!?” I was so nervous I was shaking.
“I think he’s okay. It’s really vague; I’ll just type it out and send it to you”
“Alright,” I was a relieved to hear that he wasn’t suicidal. Picking up a paperclip in front of me I began to fidget.
“Dear whoever finds this. Sorry I left; I just had to get away for a while. Things are too crazy here anymore and I can’t handle it. I’ll come back someday, I just don’t know when. I just need some time to clear my head and figure out what’s going on. Thanks for understanding.
~James.”
A bittersweet smile lit my face. He was alright. Everything was going to be okay, I guess. I hated thinking he was all alone, beating himself up for something he couldn’t do anything about. He just had to let the past go and just live his life.
But then again, I did the same thing. He and I were so alike. I think that’s why he gave such great advice. He could relate to me and answer it like he had the problem. We both loved music and acting. When I would visit him in Chicago we’d spend the whole day walking around the city, taking random pictures of everything. One of us would have an mp3 player and we’d share the headphones, singing along and dancing like idiots, not caring about the crowd staring at us, and then he’d take me to his favorite coffee place and we’d talk until they closed and kicked us out.
We told each other everything. Well, it was more like me telling him everything. He was always there to listen to whatever I was going through, whether it was about some boy or a fight with my mom, or just talking for the sake of talking. He would listen and help me if I needed anything. Sometimes he would tell me if something was bothering him, but he hardly called. If anything bothered him he would e-mail or just tell me when I called him.
That was the weird thing. The last time I talked to him he had called and then he asked for advice. I could tell from the moment that I answered the phone that he was depressed.
It was the last show him and his band were going to play because they were all going to college at the end of the summer. I figured he would be sad, but not like this. I had never heard him act like this. He was normally so talkative, as long as I wasn’t venting, but I could hardly get him to talk. There was a silence for a moment.
“Dani, I-I really screwed up.”
“What’s wrong James?” I asked cautiously.
“Well, I don’t drink, you know that. Hardly ever. But last night…”
“James…”
“I was just, sad, with the band breaking up and everything, and I wasn’t thinking. Then their was this girl. I don’t know what happened, I honestly don’t remember anything—and I haven’t talked to her yet,” he stopped for a minute. “What am I supposed to do?” I didn’t know how to answer him. I just sat still in silence, trying to figure out the best way to word things.
“Just, well….I guess just be honest with her. That’s all you can do.”
“What am I supposed to say to her. ‘Sorry, but I got drunk last night and pretty much took advantage of you. I’m really not a bad guy I promise, and I hardly ever drink.”
“No, just be like, ‘I’m really sorry. Last night I was drunk because I was so depressed and I don’t remember what happened last night. I feel awful.’ She’ll probably get mad, but it’s all you can do. In the long run it’s the best thing to do.”
“Yeah, your right. I gotta go, I’ll e-mail you later.”
“Okay, bye,” and then he hung up. That was the last time I spoke to him.
I picked up the phone and tried to call him again, but the door bell rang so I set my phone down on the kitchen counter and walked down the hall and opened the front door.
“Can I stay here for a while?”
***

“James!” I gasped. “I don’t know if I want to smack you or hug you! I’ve been so worried.” James just laughed. “That isn’t funny.” I gave him a cold glare.
“Well I’m glad to see you too, Dani.”
“No, it’s not that I don’t wanna see you, it’s just—“
“I know, I know.” He gave me a hug. “Can I come in?”
“Oh yeah, I’m just gonna go call Nate and let him know you’re here.”
“NO! Don’t tell ANYONE I’m here.” He jumped over to the phone and raised it in the air where I couldn’t reach.
“Why?” I said, jumping on the table so I could get my phone.
“Just promise me you won’t, okay?”
“Fine.” I jumped off the table and James handed me the phone. He hadn’t changed much since I had seen him. He was tall and thin, but not a bean pole. He had long shaggy black hair that would fall over his eyes. His eyes were dark brown. He, of course, was wearing a black tee-shirt and ripped jeans.
“You cut your hair,” he noticed. A couple weeks ago I had cut my long hair to my chin. “I like it,” he smiled.
“Thanks.”
“Umm…Dani, do you think I could stay here? Just for a little while?”
“Probably, I’d have to ask my mom though.”
“No, you can’t tell anyone I’m here, not even your mom.” He added quickly.
“James, what is going on?” I gave him a puzzled look.
“Nothing, I just need a place to stay.” I didn’t say anything for a moment
“There’s a spare room in the basement,” I told him reluctantly.
“Does anyone go down there?” I just looked at him, he wasn’t being himself. I didn’t like all the secrecy.
“Not usually.”
“Dani, you’re the best!” He hugged me again. I had a feeling he wasn’t telling me something and I wanted to know what.
“My mom is going to notice a strange car in the driveway,” I said as we walked out to grab his clothes and stuff in the back of his car. It was an old, beat up El Camino and everything he owned was stuffed in the passenger seat. There were piles of clothes, hundreds of CDs, and wrappers from every fast food place imaginable.
“Crap.” He looked around, thinking for a moment. “What if I just park it in the road close to the neighbors so she thinks that they have company?”
“I guess that’ll work.” I replied, taking a pile of clothes out of the car. “I’m just gonna stick these on your bed and you can do what you want with them,” I called out as I was going into the house since I knew in the end, what ever I did with them, they’d just end up on the floor.
“Alright,” he called out from over his shoulder, trying to cram as many things in his arms as possible. I carefully opened the front door, trying not to drop anything, and then walked down the stairs to the guest bedroom.