alternative media reports

INTERNATIONAL NEWS


What in God’s name is going on?
Vatican files shock world

The Vatican has just released shocking new information yesterday regarding a misinterpretation of Genesis, the first book of the bible.
Under mounting pressure from within the organisation, the Pope has confirmed that God did not in fact create the world in the order in which most Christians are familiar with.
According to the evidence released yesterday, God apparently worked Monday and Tuesday, took a half day on Wednesday, was off Thursday then worked through to Sunday and realising he wouldn’t make the deadline, created an eight day to finish the job off..
This news has caused pandemonium in the Western world as Thursday is now a Sunday, Sunday is a workday, the weekend has been abolished and the Vatican is fiercely denying rumours that the eight ‘vice’ day was the day God unwound from his gruelling weeks work with a few joints and some casual sex.
More news as it unfolds.




U.S. invades Sligo
Global war on terror opens on new front


The U.S. has invaded Sligo in an act of aggression unheard of to people not surrounded by sand and misery.
In a press conference yesterday, attack secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave his reasons for the move condemning ‘a series of belittling comments and quips aimed at America which if unchecked where designed to devastate American pride all along the East Coast’.
He went on to say ‘America will not stand by and watch while this great nation is thorn apart and destroyed by the unrestrained sarcasm which has been operating covertly in the region for years’.
Apologizing to the majority of Irish people who, we were told, love and envy American freedoms, he went on to make a plea on behalf of the American people; ‘To the Irish people I say this; the enemy amongst you has no headquarters that we know of, no weapons, manifesto or army, in fact we don’t even know if they exist, but we’ll blow ‘em up anyway, so if you hear people laughing on the street in large numbers, or engaged in any other suspicious behaviour, inform your local sheriffs so we can nukem or at the very least torture ‘em’.
The Irish government has responded by sending Army troops out to the coast to repel the invasion. Operations have reportedly run into early difficulties however as the trains to Sligo ran late, 3 soldiers turned up drunk, 2 got lost and 23 of the 27 remaining men that make up the defence force were sent home with a severe bout of pacifism.
Reports that U.S. troops have subsequently invaded Mayo and Leitrim, sent the locals to Guantanamo, confiscated anything of value and attempted to hold elections in which American tourists emerged victorious remain unfounded. More to follow.










LOCAL NEWS



North v South
City relations face new crisis

The Irish government has unveiled initiatives which if passed will require all residents of the Northside to produce passports to inspectors when travelling to the Southside. The move will cause chaos to the already gridlocked city traffic but passport control booths have are already under construction on O’Connell Street Bridge and other major links across the city.
When pressed for a reason for this drastic measure, senior officials at the Dail yesterday released this statement:
‘Dublin has a growing reputation as a modern, cosmopolitan city and in order to perpetuate this myth to tourists the majority of the cabinet members felt it was detrimental to our efforts to include North Dublin in this pitch. Dublin is a wonderfully diverse city and what better way is there to celebrate our differences than by dividing it and suppressing the bad bits?’
When asked to elaborate, one junior minister had this to say ‘Montenegro has just been granted independence from Serbia and sure who can tell them apart? I can’t understand what the hell they’re saying half the time when I go over the bridge, take “stori bud?” for example, I mean, what the hell does that even mean? Is it a question? Is it a demand? I’ll leave it up to them to decide, I just want to have my latte in peace’.
A list of honorary Southsiders has been drawn up in order to allow senior politicians like Bertie Ahern, who lives in Drumcondra, easy access to the Dail. A sub-list of Candidate members, from certain Southside-esque areas north of the Liffey, has also been drawn up.



Neighbours row over disputed fence
Court ruling expected today

Feuding neighbours in Clontarf road; Ahmad Hussein and Jeremiah Goldstein will be in the high courts today awaiting the ruling of their bitter dispute that has inflamed tensions within this normally tranquil cul-de-sac.
The issue was brought to the fore 4 months ago when Mr. Hussein and his family left to visit relatives in the country side. Mr. Goldstein, who had been constructing a large wooden fence around his property in the hope of reducing hostilities, took this opportunity to change the course and form of the barrier. When Mr. Hussein returned to his home after one week he had expected a fence that divided the properties along the edges of their respective properties. Instead, he found that a concrete wall had been built which now ran through his house; his kitchen, two bedrooms and an ensuite shower had been annexed in the process.
The law was slow to react and while the case is been disputed through the courts, with delays and restarts a common feature, the Hussein family have been forced to ask permission from the Goldsteins when they want to cook dinner, have a shower and go to bed, oftentimes this request has been denied on the basis that Mr. Goldstein no longer recognises the annexed rooms to be anything to do with Mr. Hussein. Despite local outrage at Mr. Goldsteins behaviour, a negative verdict on this expropriation charge is expected.

In other news

A recent survey poll shows that contrary to popular opinion everyone does not love Raymond. Of those polled; 79% were indifferent to him and 20% strongly disliked him and his deeply unfunny ‘comedy’ show.