Why am I here?

I'm hungry. I also don't want to be where I am. This is a common enough problem. I think very few people want to be where they are. I woke up this morning unsure of what I was supposed to do next. "Supposed" according to whom? This gives the impression that I feel someone or something is out there somewhere expecting, or waiting to see whether or not I do the right thing or things after I get up in the morning. I often feel as if this person, I'll call it a person, is saying "Let's see if he does right this time." Then he says "No, he got it wrong. Maybe he'll do better tomorrow. But if he doesn't, it's of no consequence." Why am I? Am I? Can I not be? It seems as though I wake up and am over and over again without end. All of this makes me very tense at times. My leg shakes up and down when I sit. It will stop if I make it, but it is effort. I should eat or drink something. "Should?" Is there such a thing as that? I feel that I can't write well. I stop to try to see what is there, and I wait for it to appear. It does not. Nothing does. I don't know if the past happened. I'm not sure of anything. I want to tear through the face of things with my fingernails and step through. I think I'm ready to be finished with this world now. It's time to abort this pointless mission. I can't remember who sent me or why I agreed to come. He expects that I will play this game because the alternative is nothing. He thinks I am afraid of nothing, and therefore I will play. I would like to put down the cards and walk out of the room and sit in the corner of the next and not answer him when he asks what I'm doing. I would like to purposely lose. But I will continue to play the game. I would like to do what I think I will not. I will do what I do not like. I will allow myself to be made a fool of. He's laughing at me. This is not about suicide. I do not want to kill myself, but I do not want to live. I want choice C. He tries to convince me that choice C isn't real. But I would ask what "real" means. He says it doesn't exist. I would ask what does it mean to exist. I will keep asking until he proves himself false. But he will not admit it. He will eventually simiply stop answering and tell me I'm being silly. He knows choice C is. I think it is. He has it and won't let me see it, but hints that it is there. "Either something is or it is not," he says. I do not agree. I want to see something enormous happen in the sky. I want everyone to realize at the same time that everything they thought they knew never was. I want the cover to be lifted in a way that is so huge that the human race cannot blink for one minute. I want everyone to wake up one day to find themselves alone. I want people to be shaken. I want to see the moon explode. I want the stupid to see God. I want the sure to see the center of the sun. I want to see the end of man from a distance.