I Just Want You To Know

BELIEVE
a kind-of-poem about how i feel right now and the changes and phases i've come through in the past two years

I used to believe I was ugly
Plain, with no attractive features on my face

I used to believe I was repulsive
Fat, the extra weight packed on in high school distorting my figure

I used to believe I was worthless
I had no glowing traits to redeem me

I used to believe I would be alone
No knight in shining armour to save me

I used to believe I was stupid
Any glimmer of intellect drowned by seas of ignorance

I used to believe I would never be happy
That joy was something I would never feel

Then came The One

For a while,
I believed I was beautiful
I believed I was attractive
I believed I had a fantastic personality
I believed I was a good person
I believed I had a purpose
I believed I had a future
I believed I had a best friend
I believed I was smart and useful
Most of all I believed that I was happy
And that I was truly loved.

I believed that Fate had decided to make up
For all of the bad in my life to date
By giving me happiness and giving me love
And in the light of these emotions
I could see myself for what I was
That I wasn’t worthless after all

But Fate seems to enjoy games
To toy with the minds of the weak
To make them believe falsely
In everything they ever wanted and needed

One day, for no reason, Fate took it all away
And now, I’ve come full circle.

I believe I am ugly

I believe I am repulsive

I believe I am worthless

I believe I will always be alone

I believe I am stupid

I believe I will never be happy

I believe I have no future

And I still believe,
Whether fate was involved or not
That it is my fault
I drove him away without realizing
And now I deserve to feel the way that I do

I believe it is my fault

And I believe it is my fate

And most of all I hate myself
For letting it happen

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I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
to my stepfather... all the things i ever wanted to say but couldn't. it's hard trying to keep the peace.

I just want you to know
I hate you.

I wish you were never there,
Never had to take over
My family.

I wish you never ruined my life.

You destroyed me.

You pulled me down
Everything I wanted to be
Everything I thought I could be
Everything I thought I was

You destroyed me.

Happy.
Once.
Now.
But not before.
The in-between.
The growing-up years.
The most important time of my life.

You destroyed me.

You destroyed my mother.
And for that
I will never
ever
Forgive you.

Crying myself to sleep
More nights than not.

Hiding away in my dark basement
Books and television my only solace
Anything, to be away from you.

Everything I could be, jeopardized.
Because you made me not care.

I wanted to die.
I wanted you to die.

I still want you to die.

I want to live.
Be free, be happy.
Away from you.

Half a world away,
Everything is good.
My life, as close to perfect as it can.

But not thanks to you.

Me.

Maybe you did
Maybe because of you
Because you made me understand
What it means to suffer.
To always be afraid.

You made me timid
Shy
Introverted.

Maybe that I owe you.

You broke me down, made me weak.
So I could become stronger.

You made my sense of empathy
Oh so strong.
I have a deep capability
To just understand.

I'm not afraid of my emotions.
I'm not afraid to cry.

Because of you
I'm bitter
Because all I ever wanted
Was for someone to be proud of me.

Because of you
I was afraid
Afraid to let people in.
Afraid to show them who I am
Who I really am inside.
All of me.

But because of you
I'm kind.
Because kindness was something
You never showed.

Because of you
I am who I am.
You broke me down
So I could build myself back up
To become strong.
Fresh and new.
And wonderful.

So maybe
Not for everything.
For a miniscule part of who I am.

Thank you.

But still.

I just wanted you to know,
That I hate you.
And I still want you to die.