The Devil's Own Chapter 2

1999 June 10th

The past few days have been a real rollercoaster for me. At first, when I saw Damien (yes we have decided. It shall be Damien and not Jake, too bad, Eric but I am the mum!), I felt so wonderful, so full of energy and love! I could have just jumped out of bed to take care of baby Damien’s every needs.

After the nurses took him away, I just felt sad, almost depressed. It’s so weird to go from being ecstatic to feeling so low in a matter of minutes but I read somewhere that it was normal. Part of the birth process and all. Something about fluctuating levels of hormones in my body haha. Eric was always going about such stuff, telling me what I should or should not do to have a quick recovery. I must say I am pleasantly surprised. I have always pegged him as a bit of a computer geek who would be too embarrassed to fuss over me. But then again, that was why I married him right?

Sigh, my whole body’s still sore and the after pains seem like they are never gonna stop. I can’t sleep even when I am so tired. Why am I still confined to this damned bed? I need to get out of here!

2001 February 1st

Oh yes! Damien had finally said his first word! Oh I can’t believe it! I was so worried! He’s almost twenty months old and he should have started his vocal explorations by now. Whew it is really a relief. Eric and I were just about to bring him to Dr Woo but I am glad he is fine. Granted, he didn’t call me “mommy” or anything but he was so adorable! When I accidentally spilled the baby gruel on his diapers, he looked at it for a moment and yelled, “yark!” I was so excited I just dropped the bowl and hugged him! I am so proud of the little boy! I shall start his speech training tomorrow. We shall have him calling me and Eric “mummy and daddy” by the end of the week hah!

2001 February 2nd

He is such an ASSHOLE! I hate him! I mean I was so overjoyed that Damien had finally overcome his verbal barrier and had actually said something. Can you believe that Eric just nodded and absently said, “That’s great!” before going back to his charts and models?!

I spent the entire afternoon trying to get baby Damien to say more and the results were promising. I would sit in front of him and point out stuff to him,” Car. Dinosaur. Table. Orange.” He would say something occasionally and we would stop to celebrate together! He is definitely a fast learner. I wanted to show Eric what Damien could say but he was just too busy with work. I was so angry I took Damien and left the room immediately. He didn’t even apologise until so many hours later!

I wonder if I am in the wrong. His business is going through a rough patch and he is really stressed up over it. He hardly eats and is always up before me to study the day’s proposals. I really miss the old days when he was simply an engineer. At least we had time to go out together, it was like back when we had just started dating. This is what he had always wanted, to be at the helm of a technology company. I just wished he would realize that WE are more important than the company. I will always stand by him, no matter what.

2005 March 4th

I met with Jane this afternoon to discuss Damien’s behaviour in class. We spoke for close to an hour in an empty classroom in Seventh Day Adventist. Damien’s teacher was a young lady, who took up the job initially as a stopgap measure until she found work as an accountant. However, Jane eventually fell in love with the kids in her class and decided to stay on indefinitely.

“Well, Mrs Yong, I feel that Damien is not adjusting well to school life. He seems to have no interest in participating in any of the games his peers engage in. If any of the other kids try to start a conversation with him, he usually turns them away with a cold stare or refuses to look at them at all. When I try to get him involved in the class discussion, he ignores me.”

Jane looked me straight in the eye and continued, ”That’s not al. There was an occasion when some of the children were having a fight and accidentally spilled some hot chocolate on a little girl. The entire class erupted in an uproar of course because the girl who got hurt was crying very loudly in pain and everyone was crowding around her either to offer a helping hand or just of plain curiosity. Damien simply glanced at her and got out of his seat before finding a spot away from the rest to sit and stare at everyone. The strange thing was he was originally seated right beside the girl who got injured”

“ Mrs Yong, Damien’s behaviour is rather abnormal so I have requested to meet with you to discuss some things we could do to help him. Firstly, I think you should have a long talk with Damien to find out what he disagrees with in school. Maybe he is just too shy or perhaps he is still uncomfortable in a new environment. Hopefully, he will open up to you and we can solve the problem. If this doesn’t work, I suggest that you volunteer some of your time at the school. Damien may feel more at ease in the class because of your presence and interact more with his peers. At the very least, you would be able to see for yourself what are Damien’s difficulties in school.”

I agreed with the idea immediately. After all, I had already given up my job years ago to take care of Damien. I had been toying with the idea of looking for work for some time now but if Damien needed me, I would be there for him.

After some time, we decided that I should become the new assistant teacher in Damien’s class. “Tomorrow, we will be having a drawing lesson so maybe you could bring some materials along? It would be fun I assure you, the kids are just so adorable!” As Jane went on about the antics of her class, I couldn’t help but smile. No wonder the kids loved her, she had the kind of bubbly nature that suggested that she was simply a 5 yr old trapped in an adult body.

We were just about to end the meeting when Jane stopped me by gently holding me by the shoulder. “Amy, there’s some thing you should know. I… I feel uncomfortable whenever I see Damien. I am so sorry, that was a horrible thing to say, I mean you are his mother and he’s just a young boy but I… have never met someone like him.”

I was just about to ask Jane what she meant by that when she went on, “He’s not a shy boy. He doesn’t mix around with his peers because he doesn’t want to, not because he is too shy to. The way he looks at you… it is so cool, and confident, it doesn’t belong to that of a 6 yr old boy. I have a feeling the other kids avoid him too, they seem afraid of him.”

I stepped away angrily and glared at her. How dare she? My own pride and joy. What was she saying? “Excuse me, just exactly what are you trying to say. That Damien’s bullying the other kids? I know him better than you and he will never do that!”

Jane looked away in defeat, “I am very sorry, Mrs Yong. Forget what I said. I will help Damien in anyway I can.”

For the rest of the day, I was rather shaken. Jane was just biased against Damien. There was no other reason. He was the sweetest, most adorable child I have ever seen and he… Was there anything wrong with him?


2005 July 30th

Is it possible for a mother to fear her own child? No, it is not. There’s no reason why one should shudder at the sight of one’s flesh and blood. A child that I had raised from young almost single-handedly. And yet whenever the clock strikes twelve, I begin to dread the knocks on the front door that meant Damien had returned from school. The smile upon my face feels so strained that sometimes I wonder if Damien knows that his mother is actually afraid of him. If he does, he doesn’t show it. It is one of the things that cause me to view him with unease. How many six year olds are there in the world that can go through a whole day without showing a trace of emotion? I can’t tell if he is happy or angry or sad or anything. He hardly speaks a word to anyone either.

The nightmares started only recently and already I spend most of my nights lying sleepless, my body dripping with cold sweat, too scared to fall asleep. Eric doesn’t and wouldn’t understand. How can I tell him that I have nightmares about our own child? The dreams are so vivid that every time I wake up, my heart is pounding in my chest and my lungs are straining for breath. I feel more exhausted than before my rest and I feel fatigued the entire day. I was brushing my teeth and Damien appeared behind me in the doorway. When I turned, he had already disappeared. I went back to what I was doing and there he was. His reflection clearly in the mirror and a split second later it metamorphosed into… I would suddenly awake in bed; the unborn scream dying before it even reached my throat. There were several other nightmares but each and everyone involved Damien. I would force myself up to make coffee, which I would drink copiously to keep myself from keeling over in the day.

I can hardly think straight anymore. My thoughts come and go in brief flashes and I am finding it hard to follow what others are saying. Just yesterday, I met Kate at the supermarket and after our brief chat, I couldn’t even remember what we were talking about. Eric is becoming so distant to me, just when I need him the most. I can’t do this alone…

2006 August 9th

I feel so confused and helpless. Things had been getting better and I was even thinking everything might go back to normal but now… When I finally broke down and poured out everything to Eric, he simply held me tight in his arms the whole time. In between sobs and tears, I told him all about my fears and doubts about Damien and myself. I knew I had failed in my duty as a mother. How could one ever harbour any ill thoughts toward their own child? At that moment, I was already on my last legs. I had confessed everything to Eric and prayed desperately that he could forgive me for my shortcomings. He reassured me that everything was all right, that I was just under too much stress. For the first time in many weeks, I slept through the night peacefully.

Within a few days, he gave me a small packet of pills that he had sought from a close friend. Eric had told his friend about my condition and his friend had advised him to pass me that stress-relief medication. They worked even better than expected. I could sleep well again and the depression that had me tightly in its hold before slowly relinquished its grip. Why can’t the good times last? After only a month or so, the medication began to lose its effectiveness. The nightmares began trickling back, almost once a week. I must not bother Eric anymore. His company is preparing for its IPO and he is constantly swamped by legal documentation needed. He seems just like a kid starting out on his first business, almost bouncing in his steps whenever he returns home.

I shall join Kate tomorrow for her church service. She had always wanted spread the Gospel to me, to welcome me into the family. I envy her. Her faith had never wavered and she draws immense strength from her relationship from God. With help from the church, she persevered through the troubling times when she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer. If He was able to grant her a second chance to live, maybe he could do something for me.


2006 November 30th

They are getting closer now. I can feel their voices everywhere I go. They are hunting for Damien. They want him for something. I will not let them lay a finger on him. I will defend my flesh and blood with my life. No matter what form they take, I will not fear them. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he is also my salvation. I will run to the ends of the world if need be. Don’t worry, Damien, you are safe with me. The Lord preserveth all them that love him: but all the wicked will he destroy.









FROM THE JOURNAL OF AMY YOUNG