Bacon

Bacon

“Baaaaaaacon, where is the bacon?” Bob was at school wandering through the hallways looking for the bacon that he smelled. “Where are you baaaaacon?”

“Bob, Bob wake up Bob.”

Bob slowly woke and rubbed his eyes, then sat up to see his brother, Bill, leaning over him, “What’s, up Bill?”

“I just found a bunch of bacon in the kitchen,” said his brother with a wad of bacon in his hand, “You want some Bob?”

“No thanks," replied Bob as he saw his alarm clock turn to 4 a.m., "maybe in the morning.” Somehow Bill looked very strange eating his bacon. Bob couldn’t put his finger on it, but Bill didn’t seem quite right.

That night Bob dreamt more about Bacon, but he could never seem to get close enough to eat any.

The next morning on the bus, Bob noticed the sick kid who sits in the back of the bus eating bacon out of his lunchbox. At this point Bob began to think that something weird was going on, but he still had no idea of the true power of bacon.

Bob noticed more strange things happening throughout the day. One of his teachers was eating bacon while teaching, and at lunch, every meal was served with bacon. Even stranger than all of that was what he saw on the way home from school.

While the school bus was stopped at a light, Bob looked out the window and saw a group of six or seven squirrels, fighting over a few strips of bacon on a bench. Bob was the only one to notice this because every other person on the bus, including the bus driver, was stuffing their mouths with bacon.

****

Bob had a few minutes to reflect on what he had just seen after being dropped off at his bus stop. Bob had always liked bacon, the aroma, the texture, and most of all the taste, but today he had no desire for any, and he didn’t know why.

“Why does everyone else suddenly like bacon so much? And I didn’t even think that squirrels ate meat.” As Bob thought about that, he walked through his front door and stopped in his tracks mouth agape. Three squirrels were on the kitchen counter eating from a platter of bacon. Bob’s face soon changed from a look of surprise to a look of terror as he witnessed the three squirrels grow and begin to take the shapes of his parents and Bill, sitting cross legged on the counter. His parents were still shoving bacon into their mouths, while Bill walked over to Bob who was standing still at the front door.

“Would you like some bacon,” asked Bill with a grin. Bob stood speechless. “You seem confused; please allow me to explain what is happening here. It’s actually a long story, so I’ll just give you a summary of our plans. The squirrel king Asmozedineus is using his specially created magic bacon to control us humans. We have no choice except to happily become slaves of the squirrels because no man can resist bacon any longer. He has also given us the power of squirrel transformation, which is pretty cool man. Soon you, along with the rest of the human race, will become slaves of the squirrels. Now Bob, won’t you have some bacon with us? Won't you have some bacon with us?” Bob's parents joined Bill hypnotically chanting, "Won't you have some bacon with us?"

Bill was staring into Bob’s eyes and suddenly Bob wanted bacon more than anything else in the world. He fought the urge valiantly, but after just a short time, he knew that he was about to give in and lose his mind and soul forever, but just then his grandfather's last words reverberated through Bob’s mind, “Bob, if bacon is ever used as a weapon against mankind, you are the one who must fight back. You’ll know what to do.” Those were the words Bob’s grandfather had told Bob on his deathbed. He had always thought they were a product of his grandfather’s senility, but now that Bob remembered these words he had hope that he could fight the squirrels and save mankind. Bob shut his eyes to break himself from Bill’s gaze, and ran clumsily to his room and locked the door behind him.

There was only one thing Bob could do. He had to open his grandfather’s chest. Bob’s grandfather had willed the chest and its contents to Bob, but Bob had been warned by his grandfather not to open it, even to just look inside, until he had too. Bob knew that the only thing he could do was hope that his grandfather had left him something that could help him fight the squirrels.

As Bob opened the chest a cold mist escaped from it. The chest had been like a cooler, keeping its contents cold. Inside the chest was what looked like a folded costume with a note on top of it. It read so:

Bobby,

If you are reading this note then I was right, and the power of bacon has finally been revealed. I don’t know who is controlling the bacon; I just hope that it isn’t the communists. Anyway, you must put a stop to whoever is using bacon for evil. Inside this chest is everything you should need. The mask will not only protect you from bacon’s potent aroma, it will also allow you to sniff out where the higher concentrations of bacon are so that you can stop the problem from the source. The cap will increase your intuition by 48.77 percent, so you should trust your instincts when wearing it. The Super Suit itself is infused with power so that it will allow for improved speed reflexes and strength, but it can’t do anything by itself, it is a tool, and can only be put to use by a true hero. So you must become one. The real special thing about this chest is what is at the bottom. HOTDOGS. This chest replenishes itself with hotdogs, and hotdogs are the only food known to be more powerful than bacon. While wearing the Super Suit, with hotdogs in the utility belt, you become Super Hotdog. You will be able to use the powers of the hotdog against the powers of bacon, and you must succeed or all hope for humanity will be lost forever.

Love,
your grandfather Bo

Needless to say this was a big surprise to Bob, but what other choice did he have? He carefully put on the mask, then the cap, then the rest of the suit. It fit perfectly, and it felt great on him. The front said Super Suit in yellow letters while the rest of the suit was mostly red. He then reached into the chest, pulled out a hotdog and examined it. It looked normal, and smelled great. It felt hot as he held it in his hand, even though it had been in the chilled chest. Bob took a bite and immediately felt like he could conquer the world. He had more confidence then he had ever had, all of his doubts were completely gone. He felt like Popeye after a can of spinach. He finished off the dog, and then put twenty more into his utility belt. Suddenly the text on the front of his shirt changed from Super Suit to Super Hotdog.

****

Bob jumped out of his bedroom window expertly and rolled onto the sidewalk. Bill was standing in the doorway, chewing on a strip of bacon. “Have some Bacon,” said Bill.

This time Bob fought the urge easily. “Brother, you have to fight it. I know that it’s hard but you have to try to not eat bacon. There is a way to beat the squirrels. Will you please put the bacon down and come help me?” pleaded Bob.

Bill stood staring at Bob for a long time. “I can’t leave my bacon,” said Bill finally as he shut the front door in Bob’s face.

Bob started to sniff and found that the scent of bacon was much stronger in one direction than the others. That direction led Bob into a thick forest nearby. He followed the scent into the forest until he could tell that the smell was coming from a clearing just in front of him; Bob knew that that was where the bacon had to be.

Just before Bob stepped out into the clearing, an enormous squirrel jumped down on him from a tree. It was four feet tall and very powerful. It landed on Bob’s back and knocked him to the ground. Bob rolled immediately to his feet and ran toward the clearing with the squirrel chasing him. In the center of the clearing a strip of bacon the size of a door was hovering a few feet off the ground. On top of the bacon was a squirrel that was six feet tall, riding it as if it was a magic carpet.

“Joekinwo halt!” screamed the squirrel king.

“Yes king Asmozedineus,” said the other squirrel as he stopped his pursuit of Bob. Bob stopped himself directly between Joekinwo and Asmozedineus.

“How dare you not accept the power of the bacon!” yelled Asmozedineus.

“I have found a food with more power then bacon could even imagine having. The hotdog,” said Bob evenly.

“Ha. You are a funny human, I’ll tell you what, you show me the power of the hotdog, and you can keep your soul.”

Bob nodded. He took a hotdog out of his belt, bit off half of it and slowly chewed it. Now with both of the squirrels watching intently Bob took the other half of the hotdog and with incredible speed threw it at Joekinwo’s face. It went into his wide-open mouth, and lodged itself in his throat, choking him to death.

“You just killed my best soldier, now you die,” said Asmozedineus calmly. As he jumped off of the carpet of bacon, it raced toward Bob; it would have decapitated him had he not leaped into the air and over the bacon. The mammoth strip of bacon hovered back to Asmozedineus and to Bob’s surprise; split itself into dozens of regular sized bacon strips, which landed in a pile at Asmozedineus's feet.

Bob and Asmozedineus gazed at each other unblinkingly for what seemed like years. Bob was twirling a hotdog in each hand, Asmozedineus twirling bacon in his, each with reserves nearby. Both of them were now ready for the epic battle ahead.

Out of the corner of his eye, Bob spotted Bill at the edge of the clearing. It looked to Bob like Bill was talking to himself, or even arguing with himself, hissing somewhat, but Bob couldn’t make out any of the words even with his super hotdog hearing. Bob’s face did not change at all, he stood resolute, ready to fight and die for mankind’s freedom.

Without warning Asmozedineus attacked. Two strips of bacon went flying like bullets toward Bob and two more again before Bob could react. Bob threw one hotdog at the squirrel king as the first two bacon strips both hit him in the right shin and stuck there like daggers. Bob dove to his left and avoided the second two, but more were coming and Bob couldn’t get on the offensive. As Bob rose to his feet he saw six strips heading right for his chest, he knew there was nothing he could do about it. But just then he heard Bill shouting, “The eagles are here, the eagles are here.” And just then a great bald eagle swooped in front of Bob and was hit by the bacon in his wing. The eagle, with its seven-foot wingspan fell to the ground on the other side of the clearing. Bob noticed that bacon wasn’t coming at Bob any more. Bob saw that more eagles were attacking Asmozedineus.

“The bacon, get the bacon,” screamed Bill. Bob began to run toward the pile of bacon next to Asmozedineus, but fell to the ground as soon as he put pressure on his right leg. He violently pulled out the two strips of bacon, and the pain increased tenfold. Bob ate one of his hotdogs and his entire leg numbed, and the bleeding stopped instantly. Bob limped toward the bacon as Asmozedineus fought off the eagles. As the squirrel king saw Bob coming he fought even harder, and by the time Bob was ten feet away, there were only three eagles left attacking Asmozedineus, with five others on the ground. Asmozedineus was bleeding profusely all over his body, with fur missing everywhere, but none of that seemed to slow him down.

As Bob reached the bacon, one of the three eagles went down with several bacon wounds, and a completely enraged Asmozedineus looked to have almost beaten the other two eagles, but they fought valiantly to give Bob the time he needed. Bob knew no way to diffuse the power of the bacon so he started to eat it. He crammed five or more strips at a time into his mouth and after just a minute the pile of bacon was half gone. Bob could hear Asmozedineus screaming, but he didn’t pay any attention to anything but his eating.

With still a dozen strips of bacon to go, Bob heard a loud roar, and looked up to see the squirrel king bounding toward him, the last of the eagles on the ground twitching. Bob knew this would be the end, he had failed, but just then a normal sized squirrel with amazing speed ran up to Asmozedineus and bit him on the back of his leg. Asmozedineus howled in pain. Bob was still stuffing bacon into his mouth. Asmozedineus kicked the squirrel, which went flying away as Bob swallowed the last of the bacon.

Bob heard laughing. Asmozedineus limped slowly toward Bob laughing all the way, with all of the eagles scattered on the ground around him. “If you thought that eating bacon would make it any less powerful then you were mistaken.” Asmozedineus extended one hand toward Bob. Bob’s belly bulged outward; Bob could feel the bacon trying to escape from his innards. “In just moments you will explode and I will have nothing standing between me and—” just then Bob ate a hotdog.

Suddenly instead of the massive squirrel king that had been standing in front of Bob, there was a dead squirrel on the ground. All of the magical bacon had been diffused of their power, and the squirrel king's link to the power had been severed, transforming him back into a normal brown squirrel, dead from its many wounds.

Bob helped restore the eagles by giving them each hotdogs; one by one they flew away singing their thanks. The eagles had helped save mankind once again, as they had previously in the battle of the five food groups, and the war against the evil Sour Cream.

Bill was on the ground in squirrel form twitching. Bob fed him the last of the hotdogs, and Bill returned to human form fully healed.

"Thank you," said Bob to Bill.

“No problem,” replied Bill. “What are you going to do now?”

“I am Super Hotdog. It is my responsibility to use the power of hotdogs to ensure the safety of mankind.”

Bill looked hard at his brother for a long time then replied, “Cool.”

THE END