chapter 3

"Shattered Existence"
written by:
Mike Hardy a.k.a. fiction_addict
April - 2006


Chapter 3

         School let out at precisely 2:40 p.m., Josh rushed to his locker and grabbed his things. Unconsciously he looked over his shoulder every few seconds and was keenly alert of the sounds around him. The paranoia inside had him on edge and jumpy. But today things were a little different. He was excited and couldn’t wait to show off his accomplishments of the day’s assignments. He met up with his friend, Dave Mathis, just outside the school. 
 
          “Hey Dave.”
  
          “Hey Josh.” 
 
          “What’s up?” Josh asked
  
          “Nothing really.”
  
          “How did you do on the math test?”
  
          “I failed. My Dad’s going to be pissed. I’m sure I will grounded this weekend.” Dave said as he his head went down in shame. “How did you do?”
“Oh, umm...I passed.” Josh replied hesitantly.
  
          “That’s cool man. At least you won’t be in trouble.”
  
         “Yeah. Well you will do better next time. Don’t let it get to you.”
Josh and Dave began their walk home. Neither had really said very much till they left the school’s parking lot. They turned left onto John R Street, which is the main street of the city. The walk home from school was brutal in itself. The walking itself wasn’t the hard part; it was trying to keep his eyes on every position to ensure his own safety. Though Josh usually walked with a friend it didn’t make him any more at ease.    

         Dave was watching the sidewalk as he walked with the most disgusted look on his face. They slowly passed business after business only pausing by the Fire Station. They continued when they were sure it was safe. Every time they walked by the station it seemed like there was an emergency. The boys would have to run out of the way of the emergency vehicles as they came out the building with the sirens screaming.    

         Another block farther and they would be in front of the Chiropractic center, where Lori Adams was currently employed. Josh had every intention of stopping and showing his mother how well he did on his test. He was far too excited to just go home and wait till 6 p.m. for his mother to get home from work. Josh’s excitement grew in intensity. He saw that the Chiropractor’s lot was empty save for two cars.   

          “I’ll catch you later Dave. I’m going to go in and tell my mom about the test.”  
         “Ok, see you later Josh.” Dave never missed a step saying his goodbyes to his friend.   

         Josh took his time walking across the small parking lot, thinking only of how he would present the major accomplishment of a B+ on his math test. He never did better than a C and to him a B+ was more like an A++. Full of pride and excitement Josh felt really smart today for a change. He pulled open the all glass aluminum framed door of the doctor’s office. The smell of the offices air freshener and other cleaning products swirled through his nose. Taking a quick glance around the waiting room he walked to the sliding window where Lori usually sat and slid the glass pane to the side.   

          “Hi Mom.” Josh tried to be as nonchalant as possible.
  
          “Hi kiddo, what are you doing here?”
   
          “Just stopped by to say hi”
  
          “Well that was nice of you.” Lori said with a genuine smile. “So how was school today?”
  
         “It was ok, I had a test today” Josh answered in his best pouty voice as he pulled the test paper out of his folder and presented the B+ to her. Very proud of his accomplishment, he had big smile and a bright twinkle in his eyes.  

          “A “B+”? That’s pretty good josh. I bet if you had studied harder you would have gotten an “A”. Maybe you should try harder next time huh?”
Josh’s excitement and his ego suddenly deflated. “I thought I did good!”
“An “A” would be good honey.”
  
          “But I never get higher than a ‘C’ in math.” Josh protested.
“All the more reason to try harder. Maybe if you spent more time on your homework and less time playing outside with your little friends you would pass with a good grade.”   

         Josh just stood there with his mouth gaping open completely in shock that his mother put him down instead of encouraging him to keep it up. What’s wrong with a B+? Why is it that my grades never seem to be good enough? Why do I bother showing them when I do good? His mind was rampant with confusion. He left the office feeling bewildered and slightly numb, he gently shook his head in disappointment as he walked home.    

         A few blocks from home his fears of being stuck with Chris flooded through him. Quickly he tried to think of somewhere he could go. The friend closest to home was going to be grounded, so that was out of question. Maybe Chris wouldn’t come home right after school today. With any luck he would go to a friends after school. Josh thought out the scenario he most wanted to be true.
Rounding the corner of his street, everything looked extremely peaceful on Brockton Avenue today. To Josh that was a good sign, a very good sign indeed. His hopes were running high that his brother wouldn’t be waiting at home for him. A couple houses down he could see that the house was still locked up. Had Chris been there the doors would have been open and you would hear music pouring out the windows.    

         At the end of the driveway Josh stopped, looked around and listened carefully for anything that would indicate that Chris was home. Josh turned and ran up the driveway and entered the house through the back door. As quiet as he could he put the key in the lock and twisted. Cautiously he swung the door open and peered into the dark place. Eyes flicking around the room as he walked through the kitchen to the living room. His breaths were short and tight as he entered the house. Chris wasn’t home. Josh sighed out loud with utter relief that he wasn’t going to get attacked. Having no homework to do he quickly put his folder on his desk and changed his clothes. Today was going to be a good day he decided.   

         Josh was fast asleep on the couch after watching his favorite TV show, which was something that didn’t normally happen. Due to the sudden and unexplained acts of violence toward him, he had to be on guard and ready for anything. He lost a lot of sleep due to his fear. Paranoia was slowly tearing away at who he really was. Josh looked over his shoulder constantly. Forever afraid his brother would sneak up on him with a surprise attack. He wasn’t sure why or what he had done to do deserve this treatment but he knew he had to avoid Chris at all costs. How far would Chris go to hurt him? And worse yet, how bad did he really want to hurt him? That’s a question Josh didn’t want to find an answer to. He lay awake at night wondering if Chris was coming for him. Every night he would lie there dealing with his anxiety. But each night Chris didn’t come to his room.
Josh’s fears were ruling his existence now. He slept in places he knew shouldn’t, mainly in school. School, the one place he knew Chris couldn’t get to him and each day seemed to get shorter and shorter. That left Josh with more time to be exposed to a possible confrontation.   

          Chris came in the back the door silently. Josh had forgotten to lock it behind him. He stepped quietly through the kitchen. Tossing his stuff into his room he returned to the kitchen. Focused only on food; Chris was starving. He paid his napping brother no attention as he put together an afternoon snack.  

         “Wake up!” Chris yelled, simultaneously slapping Josh’s face.  

         “Huh? What?” Josh said as he instinctively covered his face.   

         His eyes were barely open. Not until he could focus did his fear set in. Chris was standing over him. The blankness was in his eyes again. Josh scrambled into a sitting position. His knees had drawn up tight to his chest automatically as his heart began to race.   

         “Wha-what did I do? What’s wrong?” Josh said as his eyes darted about the room. He was searching for the best way to run.  

         “Move! I’m watching TV now. Go find something to do in your room and don’t come out!”   

         Josh made no attempt to answer him. Instead he got up from the couch after being rudely awakened, looked down at the floor to ensure he made no eye contact, and walked to his room. Josh knew that if he dared to look at him he would be in trouble.   

         “What if I have to go to the bathroom?” Josh asked through his closed bedroom door.  

         “You can either hold it, or you can take your chances on coming out here.” Chris replied flatly.  

         Josh sat down on his bed after turning his boom box on. If he was to be a prisoner in his room, he was going to listen to music. Josh loved music. He could lose himself in it for a little while and forget about his problems. As Josh listened, he daydreamed about things and places he liked. He wanted to learn to play the guitar and be in a rock band. He often dreamt about doing just that, making albums, touring the country and escaping his brother.  

         An hour later Chris was sitting in the living room with a friend from school, John Smith a.k.a Smitty. Smitty was the product of a divorce situation; neither of his parents really paid him much attention at all. He had long brown hair, a stocky frame, tattoo, and he smoked. Though he was shorter than average he often thought of himself as a real bad-ass. Smitty was well known for hanging out with the wrong people at school and he took a lot of pride in that fact. His eyes were constantly bloodshot. He looked as though he didn’t get much sleep; maybe it was just the drugs he was on.  

         The phone rang and startled the two teens that were trying to get high. They looked at each other quizzically for interminable seconds. Smitty had stopped rolling the joint and had sat still as if preparing to run with the stash. He was always really paranoid about getting caught. Chris was cutting some cocaine he had on a small mirror and formed it into lines with a razor blade for each of them to snort. The phone continued to ring as he gently slid the mirror off his lap and onto the couch. Once more he glanced at his friend and reached for the telephone. He had to answer it. He knew if it were his mother she would worry that something was wrong and probably come home early from work to check on them. He hated that they treated him like a child after all, he was fifteen now. A man and he should be respected as one.  

          “Hello?”
 
          “Chris? It’s Mom.”
 
          “Hi Mom, everything ok? Chris inquired.
 
          “Yes everything’s fine, I just wanted to call and see what you guys were up to and how things are going at home?” Lori asked.  

          “Yeah things are cool here. When you coming home? Normal time?” Chris asked.  

         “I should be home about the normal time. Why do you ask?” Lori said inquisitively.  

         “No reason, I was just wondering.” Chris replied flatly. 

         “Okay, well you two behave yourselves and clean the house up a little, especially that bathroom, I don’t what you boys do
in there...but its nasty.” Lori said with a face that showed she had a bad taste in her mouth. 
          “Ok mom, I will try to get it done. I have some homework I need to get done first though.” Chris said in a mocking tone as he winked at his friend who was laughing under his breath at the comment. 
         “I have to get back to work. I will see you in a little while. Bye Hun.” 
         “All right bye mom.”  

         Josh opened his door just a crack and peeked out. He couldn’t see much of anything, but he could see that the television was definitely not on. His curiosity was getting the better of him. What is he doing out there? He said I had to leave so he could watch it! Why isn’t the TV on? He almost walked out into the living room where the two stoned teenagers were. Josh quickly re-thought his plan of going out and seeing what was going on and closed his door quietly. He could hear them talking but couldn’t quite hear what they were saying. Josh turned off his boom box in hope to hear them better. The teenagers heard the music go off and automatically spoke lower.   

         “Smitty? Want to have some fun?” Chris whispered. 
         “Sure man.” Smitty replied.  

         “Lets kick Josh’s ass. Its fun man, he doesn’t fight back at all. Hell I think he kind of likes it.” Chris’ voice was slow.  

         “Ok, fuck it why not?” Smitty said as he shrugged his shoulders.  

         “Hey josh, get out here.” Chris commanded. 

         “Why? You said not to come out.” Josh answered warily.
 
         “Josh, its ok if I tell you to come out here, dumb ass.” Chris’ tone was a bit softer now.  

         Josh, paranoid, slowly opened his bedroom door. He looked everywhere for evidence of deception. He cautiously walked into the living room and found his brother standing by the doorway to the kitchen. Smitty was standing at the far end of the couch. A bad feeling rushed through Josh. Something was wrong; he knew he should have stayed in his room. Josh was paralyzed with fright. He noticed Chris was swaying so much that he had to steady himself by holding onto the molding around the doorway. Josh remained frozen in his tracks. He wasn’t sure what was about to happen. He sensed something move toward him and quickly turned his head. His eyes adjusted and focused in time to catch a glimpse of a fist.   

         Josh was on the floor, twisting in pain as he held his eye. He could see on sharp flashes of light as he desperately rubbed his eye. It swelled quickly and felt as though it were on fire from the blood streaming into it from the cut above his brow. Everything was in slow motion except for the pain. The pain he felt was like nothing he could possibly describe. His head had been beat and slammed into the floor. His body: kicked, punched and thrown around. He vomited from the force of a kick to his gut.   

          Josh lost partial consciousness five minutes through the brutal thrashing; his eye completely swelled shut and he bled from a gash above his right eye. It had continued for ten more minutes. Josh lay limp on the floor with his face in a slurry of blood and vomit. He tried to verbalize the last thought in his head before he blacked out, ”Please God, take me...”  

         Chris was a little scared but the look on his face betrayed his fear. He had never seen anyone in that condition before. It was unnerving and oddly exciting to him.   

         “Hey Josh, get up,” Chris said with bravado.
  

         Josh didn’t respond. He remained flaccid on the floor. “I just killed my brother,” Chris thought. Oddly, he found himself more worried about what his parents were going to do to him and not so much worried whether or not his brother was dead. Chris and Smitty stood there looking at the lifeless boy. Several minutes passed before either decided what they should do. Smitty finally kneeled down and carefully listened to Josh’s breathing and sighed heavily in relief that the kid was still alive.   

         “Oh man, he is fucked up! What are you going to do man? Damn, I didn’t think we beat him that bad.” Smitty said, half worried and half smiling. 
         “I have no idea man. Help me carry him to his bed.” Chris said calmly. 
         Chris grabbed Josh under his arms while Smitty grabbed his feet and they carried Josh to his room. Carefully they laid him on his bed. The beatings were becoming an all too familiar thing, as far Josh was concerned. Blood was dried on his forehead and around his eye. His breathing was shallow. For all Josh knew he was dead and in heaven where no one could ever hurt him again. Subconsciously he found a great sense of peace with that thought. Unbeknownst to him now, he would wake up later.   

         “Help me clean up the house a bit, I have an idea.” Chris said confidently.  

         Chris proceeded to clean the blood off of Josh. He was careful not to re-open the wound just above his brothers’ eye. He noticed the spatter of blood on Josh’s shirt and put a clean one on him. Smitty cleaned the blood off the floor while Chris tended to Josh. Chris gagged from the putrid smell of the vomit as he cleaned wiped it up. Decidedly, he chose to wash the floor with a disinfectant to get rid of the stench that was quickly enveloping the house. Finally satisfied that there was no evidence of the beating, they were done.   

         “ Ok this is what I’m thinking,” Chris said as he scratched his head and continued to think it through. “I’m going to tell my mom that when I got home from school Josh was sleeping on the couch. I woke him up and told him to go lay down in his room. I’ll tell her that Josh said he wasn’t feeling good and he puked on the floor. Then he passed out face first into the corner of the TV and then he fell to the floor. What do you think?” Chris said with a smile. 

         “Sounds good but, what if he tells your mom that we kicked his ass?” Smitty asked, worried.   

         “Oh trust me, he won’t tell. I will see to that.” Chris replied in a tone that assured his friend that all would be well.  

*** *** ***

 

         The night was calm and cool; Josh was outside in the dark. Frightened that Chris would find him out of the house and vulnerable. There was nowhere for him to run if he encountered his brother who had seemed to be, possessed? Josh didn’t understand why he was being punished. How could he change so drastically in such little time? What did he do to Chris? The thought plagued him for what had seemed like forever. It hadn’t been forever though he knew the times of punishment were severely slower than the other days.   

         The good days, he knew they were long gone and forgotten. A few months ago he could remember the good times, when he and Chris had gotten along like best friends. Now, they were just a distant memory with what seemed like no hope of ever regaining them. Josh wished he could leave his home and be away from the madness that has turned his world inside out. How could he escape the horror of his life? What could he really do? There was no answer in sight and everything seemed dark and utterly hopeless. What would happen if I told Mom and Dad? Josh thought about that question for a short while. Chris would just get grounded. He would be really pissed at him and take out more aggression on him.
Chris seemed as though he wanted Josh dead for some reason, but why? The thought of death stuck in Josh’s mind. Stuck in his mind like a leech that found fresh blood to feed on. It stayed with always. Josh did want to die; he prayed God would help him find the strength to figure out a way to escape his torment.   

          Josh lay on his back in the middle of the yard staring at the stars and dreaming of a better place. A place where no one would hurt him. A place he could relax and just be himself among others that would only love him. He knew it was just a fantasy and that no such place in the world existed. His fears stirred inside of him and turned in to anger. He was angry about the fact that he could do nothing to stop the pain. He was angry with his parents for not paying enough attention and seeing the signs that rose before the problem occurred. The signs were clear he thought. How much clearer could they really be?   

          Josh was bruised and cut from head to toe for more than three months now. Why couldn’t they see this? Didn’t they notice the changes in behavior and attitude? He felt his anger turn in to rage. His body tensed and he felt a surge of power rush through him. It was exciting and yet strange. He felt strength like he had never imagined before. It was as if he could conquer the world. Destroy his fears and regain his peaceful life again. The answer suddenly came to him. His mind was made up and he was going to do what had to be done.   

         Josh rose from the ground and quietly entered the house through the back door. No one was awake and the house was dead quiet. Josh crept through the house checking all the rooms for noise and movement. This was it; this was the time to end all the problems forever. As quietly as he could he walked to the kitchen. He opened the drawer and took out an eight-inch chef’s knife. Josh glared at the blade of the knife envisioning his answer to his problem. 

          “This will do. This will do nicely,” Josh whispered to himself.  
         He closed the drawer slowly trying to keep it as silent as possible. Josh walked through the kitchen and passed through the living room to get to his bedroom. Before entering his room he stopped once again and glared at the knife. It was as if the cold steel had spoke to him. Josh changed his mind and went to Chris’ room. He checked again for noise inside his brother’s room. All was quiet, he was sure Chris was sleeping.   

         Josh put his hand gently on the doorknob and slowly twisted. The locking bolt released from the doorjamb. He was sure that would wake Chris, the sound seemed to echo through the house. Josh stood still for a moment before pushing the door forward. He looked down the hall and listened for any noise that would alert him that his parents were awake. Quiet.   

         The door opened with a slight squeak from the hinges. He knew he couldn’t stop now; he had to do this. Had to end the madness. He stepped through Chris’ room careful not to trip. Josh stood silent for a few moments and listened to his brothers breathing. Chris was so peaceful; it was the only time he’d seen him that calm. Josh wondered what his brother was dreaming about? Was he beating Josh in his dreams too? He hovered over his older brother with the knife raised high above his head with both hands. Josh contemplated what he was really doing. Everything around him was surreal. Before he realized it the blade has slashed downward with all his might. Blood sprayed up from Chris’ body and covered his face. Chris never woke during the slaughter.   

         Josh pulled the knife out of his brother’s body and slashed it down again at least three more times. Josh left the knife in Chris’ chest wedged between two ribs and fell to the floor crying out in pain and pleasure.  

         “I’m FREE! Finally FREE!” Josh cried out as he realized he felt no better than before he murdered Chris.  

         Josh crawled back to his feet and stared blindly at Chris’ mangled carcass that lay on the bed. Blood dripped from the soaked sheets and mattress and formed a small puddle on the floor. He knew there was more blood that to be shed this evening. The animosity inside did not dissipate with Chris’ death. Yes, much more blood must flow tonight. Josh wrapped his fingers around the contoured handle of the kitchen knife and jerked it smoothly out of his brother’s ribs. The dim light that emanated from the hallway made the blood on the blade look black. The light danced off the bare areas of the steel. He crossed the room and stood framed in the doorway for several minutes staring at himself in the bathroom mirror directly across the hall. Adrenaline coursed through his body again. Once more he felt the strength come in force. Josh raised the knife so it floated inches from his eyes. He thought only of what needed to be done and nothing else. Josh was focused on his task. He let out a scream that could have
shook the world as he pulled the blade cleanly through his own neck.  

         Josh woke from his nightmare screaming and soaked with sweat. His eyes played about the room trying to focus on something familiar to assure him that it was just a nightmare. Quickly he felt his throat; it was uncut and dry. He checked his hands but they were clean. Shock settled over him as Lori burst through the door.  

          “What’s the matter honey? Are you ok?” Lori’s voice quavered. 

          Josh just lay there on his bed catatonic. Eyes glazed over and wide open staring at the ceiling. He didn’t hear or sense his mother enter his room at all. Shock had taken over his mind and body, leaving him numb to the outside world.   

         “Josh?” Lori called louder this time gently shaking him. “Josh...baby? What’s wrong?”  

         Josh just lay there trembling and clammy. Lori stood over him poking and prodding at him trying to invoke some kind of response. His breathing so shallow his chest seemed to be still. Flaccid and staring upward into nothingness; numb.
Lori was crying and trying to bring Josh out of his trance. She clapped her hands loudly inches from his face. Nothing. She sat him up and released him from her grip; he fell backwards on the bed limp. Leonard entered Josh’s room wondering what was going on. He stared blankly at his son for what seemed forever.   

         “Is-Is he breathing?” Leonard stammered as he realized his son was not responding.  

          “Yes. His breaths are very shallow.” Lori cried “We need to take him to the hospital! He’s clammy and not saying anything. My baby’s-dying”  

          “I don’t think he’s dying honey. Let’s sit him up and turn the TV on for some noise maybe it will help relax him. I will get a cold washcloth and some water for him.”   

         Leonard hurried out his son’s room in search of a washcloth. Lori carefully picked Josh up and carried him into the living room and sat on the couch with Josh lying in her lap. She switched on the television. She flipped through the channels and found some cartoons. She played with his hair as she always did whenever he was hurt or sick. Lori continued calling his name and caressing his face. Josh slowly blinked once.   

         Leonard came back and placed the cold wet washcloth on his son’s forehead. Lori dipped her fingers in the glass of water and gently rubbed it onto Josh’s dried lips. He blinked once more. Lori wiped his face with the cold wet cloth, then his neck and finally his chest. His breaths began to get deeper though his body still shook from the nightmare. The images he remembered clearly and couldn’t shake them from his mind.   

         The blood. It was everywhere, covering everything. Josh could still feel the cold steel slicing cleanly through his neck. Now that he was awake, it stung just as much as it did when he dreamt it. Reflexively his hand grasped his throat. His eyes were still wide but showing signs of life. The blankness oh his stare dissipated. The emotionless reverie slowly died away. Josh sat up slowly from his mother’s lap, eyes flicking between the two people who sat there watching him. Mom and Dad.  

          “What’s going on?” Josh asked quietly. Dazed and confused.  

          “Are you okay, baby?” Lori asked still fingering his hair. 

          “Hey little man...You sure gave your mom and me a good scare. What were you dreaming about?” Leonard said as he tousled josh’s hair.  

          “Huh? I - I was sleeping? It seemed so real.” Josh said as goose bumps covered him from head to toe as he remembered the vicious nightmare.  

         “Yeah you were sleeping for a few hours. Then out of the blue we hear you screaming. It was like you were dying. When we got here you looked like you were in shock.” Leonard paused and watched him for a second. “You didn’t know we were here?” Leonard asked.  

          “No, I don’t remember. The dream was so real.”  

          “What did you dream about honey?” Lori asked.  

          “I just remember there was a lot of blood and my neck hurt really bad. I remember screaming in the dream. I think I was being killed. I’m not sure. But I saw myself; it was like I was watching a movie. I went into Chris’ room and there was blood all over in there. I couldn’t see his face in the dream. I saw a knife stabbing someone in their bed. I could almost feel it. Then I saw the knife again. It was in front of my eyes and then I screamed. That’s when my neck started to hurt.” 
          “Oh my god, it’s no wonder you’re so frightened.” Lori said sympathetically.  

         Lori rose from the couch and went to the linen closet without a word muttered from anyone. She returned with a single pill in her hand, which she handed to Josh. Leonard handed him the glass of water that he had fetched earlier. Josh sat that looking at them warily.  

         “What’s this?”   

          “It will help you sleep tonight sweetheart. You shouldn’t have many dreams after taking that. You will be sound asleep until morning.” Lori explained.   

         Reluctantly Josh put the pill in his mouth, took a long drink of water and swallowed it all. Lori led Josh back to his bed and tucked him in for the night. He looked up at her with sad eyes. She gave him a half smile, tousled his hair and said, “Sleep tight and sweet dreams.”  

          Lori turned out the light and closed the door behind her. Josh lay still in his bed with his eyes wide open, not even close to being tired yet. The shadows that were cast about the room, from the headlights of the cars that cruised down his street, played with his imagination. His mind formed images in the shadows and he knew weren’t real; they couldn’t be real. The shadows took on monstrous shapes that swirled around the room.   

          A few minutes later the dark images started to float away into the blackness. He felt his whole body relax, he tried to fight it, but the power of the pills was too much for him to handle. He let go of a deep sigh as everything went black.