A Modest Proposal

Inspired by Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal"

A Modest Proposal
For Eliminating Illegal Immigration in the United States and Utilizing Immigrants to
Make Them Beneficial to the Public

It pains every modest racist greatly to travel through the American South and discover that every Wal-Mart offers the experience of entering a third world country. Upon entering the store, one discovers that he has stepped away from the United States and into an abyss of ironclad wetbacks who have managed to evade the INS for far too long. If the employee who greets a customer speaks English, then the greeting sounds more ill-educated and provincial than an unkempt hick from the hills in a perky, jovial mood slapping the customer on the back and yelling, “Howdy y’all”; otherwise he is greeted with, “Buenos Días, Bienvenidos a Wal-Mart!” At the cash register, the clerk speaks worse English than the greeter and wetbacks surround the customer so that the only words he may safely utter are “Thank You” and “Have a Nice Day.” Why, in the heartland of the United States, where whites and blacks once battled for domination, where the country music (the greatest hick-thing since straw hats and overalls) industry flourishes, have wetbacks managed to infiltrate the workforce? The answer: affirmative action; however, I think that we may all agree that affirmative action precipitates modest results from good intentions.

The core of the problem we face in the invasion of illegal immigrants, since too many of them flood our borders each day, take our jobs, and deposit their babies on our shores so that we can’t send them back because their children have gained citizenship, is that the INS ever increasingly fails to do its job, preventing them from crossing the borders in the first place, allowing them to drag on our economy by lowering laboring wages, consuming social welfare, and dragging down our schools with pitiful grades and low standards. How, one may ask, can illegal immigrants infiltrate a system so careful in keeping track of us? One’s guess is as good as mine is. The fact is that the government promoted immigration during the 1980’s and 1990’s. Yet, the programs now backfire as the overrun population seriously threatens American society. Mind you, the problem is illegal immigrants, not only wetbacks but those of all ethnicities, and I ask you, with all seriousness, how would their governments respond to an influx of United States citizens, flooding their borders like wild, rabid animals?

At this very moment, the immigrant population exceeds black and white unemployment totals combined. In this country, there are approximately twelve million black and white unemployed workers. The number of illegal immigrants estimated to have crossed our borders in the last five years totals twenty-five million, twice as many unemployed workers, according to a conservative estimate from a reliable source in the Federal Bureau of Labor and Statistics. Clearly, an elimination of illegal immigrants, who now comprise a sizable portion of the workforce, would provide more jobs for blacks and whites and drive up the wages of those occupied jobs that Americans are “too good to do.” If this problem goes unchecked, unemployment rates will rise to uncontrollable levels, causing mass revolt and revolution.

This problem has gotten out of control. If it is not stopped, Mexicans will continue to riot in American cities and stand to sing the national anthem and recite the pledge of allegiance in Spanish. They will protest against immigration policies designed to make the naturalization process more responsible and feasible as well as push to bring over their families by any means necessary. They will undermine America, be its undoing in the economic world, and drag down the society of our culture.

In 2005, the federal deficit of the United States surpassed nine trillion dollars. Individually this means that every man, woman, and child citizen of this great nation owes to vested and foreign interests $30,000 dollars each. One cannot help cringing at this thought: a specter that hovers over each of us each day, a silent doom to the people. If one stacked our national debt dollar bill by dollar bill, then we would have a thickness large enough to span the distance from here to the moon and back…twice. Our government, through its imperialist overtones and excessive paranoia, has racked up this high bill by heavily spending on democratizing Middle Eastern countries (who did not want to change in the first place; honestly, our government is a victim of its own ideology), and renewing the arms race and military power of the world. The rise of The Third Right, an insurgence to democracy led by people like Pat Robertson and the Christian Coalition of America, hailing its poster child Bush and the government in Washington (who has strategically placed unlawful power into the hands of an inept president), is a direct cause of this problem and many others.

However, change can be made. After many long, hard years of deliberation, and suffering countless impalements in the [insert desirable body part] with a [insert desirable crude instrument] from dire frustration, I concluded that there was no possible solution to these persistent and pervasive problems. Then, as I hiked along a mildly traveled road in California, the solution finally hit me like a Mac truck doing eighty, trying to make its deadline so that the driver could make an extra dollar (or maybe it was that family of Mexicans that ran over me at a crossing because I failed to heed the Warning: Wetbacks-Fleeing-on-Foot-From-Mexico sign a few yards before). A proposal derived during the repetitive blows to my head and incessant cursing [insert desirable words], accompanying the long years of research and knowledge previously endowed by patience, came to me and I shall momentarily elaborate on it and attempt to be brief. First, some other details concerning the plan ought to be explained in order to understand best the nature of such a modest proposal.

I have it on good authority from an informant in Washington, we’ll call him D. from Casa Blanca (or maybe it was Mr. Bridges; those two sound so alike over the phone), that the Bill of Rights in the Constitution of the United States was a coup, a hoax to quiet the discontents of uptight statesmen during the 1780’s. He informed me that our founding fathers were full of crap and secretly drew up a document that served as a correlation to the national constitution which suspends the rights of every citizen and traveler to the discretion of our president in times of war and extreme economic conditions, though no president has ever exercised such a power. No president, that is, until Bush, I mean D, who has executed this correlation in the Patriot Act and through subsequent bills proposed to Congress. Nevertheless, the American people should not fear such power, as it now stands to our benefit when it accompanies the power of Congress to amend stated constitution.

For almost two millennia, the resources of Russia and Africa have at least adequately eluded exposure to Western society because of earthly natures that are unkind to humans. Snow in Russia and jungles in Africa bar the usefulness of natural resources to humankind. For years, the peoples of both vast areas have researched ways to tap into these resources. My informants in both lands have revealed that they have now succeeded in developing the technology, but they too suffer from population problems. Russia, whose lands account for almost a sixth of the dry world, still has a small population in proportion. Its people are too apprehensive of entering Siberia to work, even though the government has mass-produced a special suit that allows a person to work in any extreme condition with reasonable comfort. Africa, which Europe has tapped continuously for over 500 years in its lust for slave labor, has been drained of talent and a healthy, desirable workforce. Though its population is reasonable, it sits in famine.

Thus, with these issues outlined, the wetbacks (our largest pain in the arse), the federal deficit, and the woes of our foreign neighbors, I offer my revelation to solve them all and express an ardent desire to be heard diligently and patiently while being outspoken.

The Russian and African governments have assured me that a strong, well-built human being, given over on a black market per se, for work in excavating the resources of said nations, will yield $20,000 and a stock share in a nationalized corporation.

I hereby propose to the People and to Congress that we consider stripping all illegal immigrants to our grand nation of all international and constitutional rights, as provided by natural law, and with amendment sell them on a world market! All males and females between the ages of 18 and 35 will be sold, as they are the most desirable age. I have calculated that, of the 20 million illegal immigrants throughout the nation, since most are of young breeding age and quick to take flight on our borders, 13 million fall into this category. At $20,000 a pop and the royalties and bullion of the resources mined, one worker will make approximately $100,000 for the People. Collectively, the government will have at its disposal after converting these liabilities and liquidating them as initial assets, $1.3 trillion to flood the treasury. At the rate of five million able and qualified immigrants taken every year, the federal government will be able to bring the deficit under control in just fifteen years. The cost of seizing, transporting, and delivering the dogs will detail an expense of the purchaser.

Children under the age of 18 will take the place of workers in the fields of the Midwest along with hard-working Americans who are newly attracted to that job market. A new federal agency, the Republican Administration for the Conscription of Immigrants into the System of Trade Subjugation (RACISTS), will oversee the affairs of all domesticated immigrant workers. Like our pets, as encouraged by outstanding citizens like Bob Barker, the agency will promote the spaying and neutering of immigrant children, as well as those eligible for sale on the world market, because we know how fast they breed and we wish to keep a firm hold upon them.

Any children rejected from this post, and any adult over the age of 35, shall become an indentured house servant to a household of true Americans. Such action, as approved by the RACISTS, will show merit to all members of the house: the children have a sitter and somebody to point their finger and laugh at for amusement; the mother has an extra aide to assist in house chores and taking care of the kids; the dad is spared a headache because he doesn’t have to come home each night and listen to his wife gripe and groan about how lousy her day was and then how she had to come home and cook, clean, and sit the kids; and, depending upon the gender of the servant, mom or dad may get a little extra pleasure on the side, or both, depending upon how kinky they are. The RACISTS will also oversee the affairs of these persons, assure that they are treated fairly, and provide for any financial need that may arise from having them in the home. All indentured servants must learn English. A very noteworthy scholar and professor at a Southern university pointed out to me that if they can speak a language most Americans do not know, they could develop highly elaborate and effective underground networks bent on the destruction of our systems without our even knowing about it.

When I called D. from Casa Blanca and shared this plain idea with him, he asked me how we would keep a surplus flow of immigrants after the word got out that America’s iron balls had gone alloy and that we now disregard every attempt of the world to promote those inconvenient civil rights issues. Wherefore an excellent question this is, and even better the solution: the RACISTS will also begin a plan of affirmative action. Since communications in third world countries is not so great, spreading enhanced stories of how great and liberal America has become shall be no more difficult than the spread of terrorist news. Domesticated relatives of potential immigrants shall be forced under pain of death to write to their families and encourage their voyage. If the influx still slackens, the RACISTS will have the implicit authority to utilize United States military forces to covertly enter foreign countries and kidnap potential immigrants.

But for a summary of this proposal and a few comments, I have only the advantages of this system to further divulge, as a prerequisite to our decision. However, some may claim that I have too long digressed, but I may point out to them that President Bush may speak at a State of The Union address and say nothing for forty-five minutes. Karl Marx wrote three volumes; multi-thousand page books entitled Das Kapital, for which a single sentence could have sufficed in summary. It is pointless to ramble on and on about pointless things. I loathe monotonous redundancy almost as much as I abhor lengthy lectures that go completely off topic in hot, sticky rooms. I know that most of the time, congressional representatives would rather be out playing golf than deliberating obtusely on already mitigated arguments. Anyway, the advantages alluded to are both numerous and prudent.

First, as stated above, a decrease in the wetback population degrading America will create goodwill in our economy. More jobs will be readily available to blacks and whites, the quality of those jobs will increase, and the wages of those jobs will increase. The trade deficit of our nation will greatly decrease as well, as we begin to export more than we import; capital, the main export will help to build upon the nation’s and our government’s imperialist ambitions.

Secondly, the conversion of our wetback liability into an asset and its subsequent liquidation will assist in curbing the national debt. Much needed funds will be available to support important government spending bills, though it goes without saying that Washington will line its pockets as a launderers fee for all of this cleaning.

Thirdly, while the government faces massive student uprisings and unjust petitions from the Mexicans in the American South as we speak, the new system will not allow such a high number of spics to congregate, segregate, and pull forces against our great nation. Mexicans will assimilate into American society and became upstanding citizens through the legal process or they will be sold off as chattel, a profit to be made for inconveniencing the most powerful country on this great earth.

Fourthly, the creation of the RACISTS will bring order and balance into the immigration system, which has fallen to shambles as the INS crumbles. For too many centuries immigrants have flooded our borders illegally, and, while some of them are our ancestors, we cannot be held responsible for their actions, nor can we discriminate against the children of wetbacks who gain citizenship to this great nation. However, it is our duty to make sure that the illegal immigrants of our time be held responsible for their actions. Clemency comes only with death so justice can be taken only upon each one during his or her life. In addition, the RACISTS will have the power to reemploy the “border patrol,” concerned citizens parking their trucks in front of the frontier between Mexico and the Untied States, toting shot guns and screaming, “Get the Hell out of here,” to any spic who tries to cross, which was outlawed because of humanitarian issues.

Fifthly, a slow but sure process of establishing indentured servitude will place an immigrant in every home of true Americans, as mentioned before. The advantages are numerous, ranging from convenience to pleasure. However, like the SPCA for pets, strict rules regarding the treatment of an immigrant servant will be imposed. Violation of rules could result in fines, jail sentence, and/or the loss of your servant.
The list could go on. Yet, I lied in stating that I would be brief. Contradiction to this proposal calls for outrage.

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The issues present to our Congress are as strong now as they were at the turn of the last century. Our government responded with instituting the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS). Yet, after more than a century, immigration problems continue to exist. The government of the United States spends extravagantly, ignoring its fiduciary responsibility to the People. The federal deficit is a real problem and presented figures are not so far fetched. How does the government respond in this century? While pole-vaulting veterans maneuver in Congress, the situation worsens. It does not appear obtuse to say that no better plan has yet to be enacted. But among such plans that athletic politicians have proposed: strengthening the powers of the INS; reestablishing immigration quotas and greatly reducing the number allowed in from each race every year; extra funding for a more intense border patrol; building a better fortified wall between the frontiers of the Unites States and Mexico; reforming the Naturalization process; and for the deficit: cutting education spending and unneeded welfare programs; raising taxes; lowering taxes to boost the economy; seeking out new loans, after which the government spends $350 billion per year of the taxpayers hard earned money in interest payments; and cutting staff in government agencies; none have met with concurrence and each succeeding the other met with more resistance and hatred. No single idea has entered into full effect. The discussion of these problems continues on a committee, which then, after months of time and spending more money, submits a recommendation unfavorable second to none. Although our system represents a democracy, one may clearly understand that nothing is done quickly, a penalty to bear at a disadvantage when promptness and conciseness are needed to contain a situation. Nonetheless, this system has run its course, served its purpose, and now must reach a verdict, whether it be absurd or honest.

Therefore any contradiction to this proposal must be an outrage. Be there no person in politics who may say otherwise, for they are all equally responsible for the delay; and be there no citizen to complain, for it is the flaw of the system that allows them to choose, responsibly or blindly, the politicians who float their Fannies in our rolls of dough. Prudence continues to be as culpable as ignorance and opportunism.

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In conclusion, the People of this country suffer from injustices that must be corrected, and I urge the adoption of this modest proposal. Objections will come from the brightest of colleagues and the dullest, most ignorant of acquaintances. Regardless the reason or instinct for their objection, the wisest person will not turn his or her head, but listen diligently and patiently. Yet, our situation persists, worsening with time; time may be the something objections run short of. How do we justify or even explain to our children that they may not eat because mom and dad lost their jobs to overrun mobs of inconsiderate illegal immigrants, and then stand back and watch our country be taken over by a corporate world or foreign interests?

Earlier I mentioned the right of the People and of the government to strip certain persons of natural law. Many would think this inhumane, but what is humane about our current situation? Would other countries do any less to us? Could a citizen do any more?

NOTE: If you’ve managed to read this far without throwing down the paper in frustration, anger, or disgust; avoided projecting your fist through the wall; and not avowed to scalp the head of every neo-Nazi left on this continent; then understand that this writing is satirical and arbitrary, writ to arouse emotions, but not with any seriousness.