Confessions

All my life I wanted to be known and appriciated for who I am. But it is just a dream for me, worthy of nothing more than a sad smile and a flick of the proverbial wrist.

The expectations of those who call themselves 'normal' dictate every move, every gesture, every expression of mine. I'm the good boy, the guy you expect to be there when all seems lost to a friend. That's right. I'll hold your hand, comfort you, tell you that you're beautiful and deserve the best. I have to, otherwise I'll lose what little sanity I posess. No flamer am I, no. Just the guy that hangs with the girls.

Am I gay? The preppy hairstyle, the brightly colored Polo-shirts, tight fade-ripped jeans, with some shnazzy hip hugging belt around my waist. Of course I am. It's obvious to me, but others think that I only waste my time with chicks because I want pussy. PLEASE. The only reason you'll find me at the estrogen table is because testosterone makes me pop a woody. How embarrassing. Not one of those things you can help, right? He-he

I brought my friend Lanna to the prom recently, and she expected me to fuck her afterwards. I told her no, but I couldn't tell her I was gay. If I said anything of the sort, all hell would have broken loose and I would have been treated like a bag of rotting dogshit that they keep around only because no one wants to actually pick it up to throw it away. Most say that girls LOVE gay guys. Fucking liars. Not these little church-going whores. "Daddy says gay people are gross and are going to hell," in one sentence and "Let's go make out and have pre-marital sex, shall we?" in the next.

Of course, once I refused Lanna's attempts to seduce me, she cried and accused me of ruining 'her night'. What the fuck, where's MY night? She pissed me off, but I just held her to my chest and let her tears spill from her pretty little eyes. That's where I'm weak. I couldn't explain to her my disposition, or tell her anything running through my mind. If only she knew. In the end, she forgave me. Then everything was bloody fantastic. I dropped her off at the cabin she and her friends had rented for the evening where she surely proceded to get drunk and have sex with someone else (thank God). Needless to say, it was a shitty night. At least she had fun.

Maybe I'm selfish. I don't really know. Should I be? For once in my life?

Family is another horror that grips it's deadly fingers around my throat. My parents, my elder brother and I hail from the U.K. near Cupar, Scotland. My father was transferred to the United States around my sixth birthday, so I've lived here basically all of my life. My brother Kendrick and I (my real name is not Kelso, it's James by the way) grew up strictly Catholic. I love the church and all but my faith is obviously not what it once was, considering the blatant homophobia expressed in every damn sermon. What, I can't be gay and still believe in Jesus?

My father is the director of the monster film played in our household. "Boy, if yer ever one ta tell meh that yar gey, yule neva' git a damned cent froom meh." Bloody bastard. Yeah Pa! I suck cock! I don't want your fucking money! Oh, believe me, my Pa knows. Every time I look at him he gives me this scrutinizing gaze. He doesn't want to know, he won't accept the fact, but he still knows in the back of his mind.

My ma is afraid of Pa. Every time he raises his voice, she flinches. It's sad. I don't know what he's done to her but I'll brake his fat neck if he ever lays a finger on her in front of me. He'll have to kill me before I stop smashing him to pulp. She's the only one who kind of loves me, even though she would disown me if she knew the truth.

Kendrick is a Pa want-to-be. Big and gross and hairy, he was the homophobic bully in gradeschool. "I'll kick yer pretty-boy ass if yer a faggit," he told me just the other day. I wouldn't put it past the oversized yeti. One day I'll be at school with all of my fake girl friends, the next they'll all be standing near my hospital bed trying to pull up the paper gown to check and see if my dick is all right (that's all they're worried about anyway). "I don't care about his broken ribs, is it still okay?"

I've only had three sexual experiences in my entire life with other men. Hell, can you blame me? My first was when I was fifteen. I was afraid because I had no idea what was going on. A friend of my father's brought his son, Jesse, to spend the night with us at our cottage by the lake. I guess we had been giving each other that questioning look the whole evening. I went outside because my father, his friend, and my mother were dead drunk and the smell of alcohol was making me sick. I was already out by the dock next to our boat by the time I heared Jesse call my name.

"James! Hold up, man!" he said out of breath. I didn't stop as I climbed into our boat. Disaster would have struck if I had missed a step paying attention to him.

He climbed into the boat with me and gave me an apologetic smile. We both chatted for a bit about random things, baseball... jobs... and then the topic came to girls. Somehow I let it slip that I didn't much care for boobs.

It intrigued him apparently. As embarrassing as it was, he asked me if I was gay. I shrugged and I said I didn't know, then asked if he was. He also shrugged. Then the most amazing thing happened. Jesse wanted to 'find out' what it was like to kiss a guy. I guess he was shy at first, so he just gave me a peck on the cheek. It was sweet, but I wanted so very much to bang his brains out. Jesse and I got into it slowly but surely. I left a hicky near his belly button. The experience didn't seem to disturb him as much as it did me at the time. I didn't WANT to be a fag.

My second experience came nearly a year later after one of my baseball games. It was the most erotic, I would have to say. I drove my friend Zach home after a double-header (we lost both games) and we were both cursing out the other team. Our spirits were crushed and I weaved around the roads like a maniac while Zach hooped and hollered swear words like a psycho. When I pulled into his dark driveway, however, I was exhausted. He was too, I could tell by the way he dragged his feet along ground.. We spoke not a word to each other as we both kicked off our shoes by the door and sat on the couch.

Zach tried to turn on the television, but the power was out. He cursed and lit a candle on the coffee table.

"I don't want to drive another twenty miles," I whined. Zach just gave me a contemplative look. It was that gaze that got me hot all over, so I stood up to 'go use the bathroom'. I heared him get up while I stood in the bathroom with the sink running. It sounded like he had gone into the kitchen, so I cracked the door open to see. There he was, and he slammed open the door and stood in the way, blocking any attempt I would have tried to make. It scared the hell out of me and I yelled. It was dark and I just knew what his next move would be.

My hip was jabbed against the sink and he pulled my uniform top off. "What the hell is wrong with me?" he asked me like I would know the answer. Ha. My hair hair was all messed up by the time we made it to his bedroom. I was so frightened. Frightened of everything, of what my parents would say, of Zach, and of myself. But I was way too turned on to stop and think. As a matter of fact, I became aggressive, possibly because I was angry too. I pushed him onto the bed and practically ripped both of our clothes off. All the while he covered my chest with tingles left by his warm lips. Wow, this is getting a little too graphic for a monologue. Let's just say that we both got what we wanted, okay? Oh bloody Christ...

We never talked about it again. I think we both blame it on losing the games and the absence of lights in his house. I drove home VERY tired that night, but my mind still reeled over it months later.

My last and most recent sexual experience wasn't quite as erotic, but enticing nonetheless. I was drunk and I snuck into a bar to get another drink, and I met a really hot guy who offered to buy it for me. I said yeah, and yes to his offer of cookies and milk at his place (he was kidding, obviously... ha ha...?) We fucked on his kitchen floor and then in his shower after I sobered up a bit.

I don't even remember his goddamn name. I asked Kate, one of my other girl friends, to go with me to get checked. I had to tell her that I slept with a questionable girl. She agreed and luckily I'm free from all those dastardly diseases.

Maybe it would have been better to have gotten a disease. Maybe then I could come out. "Yup, I'm such a faggot. Hey Pa, I made out with Jesse. That's right, then I had sex with one of my baseball teammates. Too bad it was on his bed and not yours. Oh, and I drink by the way. I've even fucked a stranger after sneaking into a bar! That's how I got AIDS!"

He could kill me then or just watch me die. Either way, it would have been the same result. The same end I've been longing for, but won't reach because suicide is a stupid option. Anyone have a Grayhound bus they could roll down a hill towards my unsuspecting figure?

If I can hold out for one more year... One more year untill I'm out of highschool, then I can tell Kendrick, or Ma, or Pa, that their youngest son has a rainbow colored heart. Then I'll pack my bags and move to San Fransisco. My heart won't break when I learn that they officially hate me. I've gone too cold with despair, with hatred, with longing, and with loneliness. I would love to have a family that cares about me. It wouldn't matter if they were poor. As long as they just loved me.

-Kelso-

**************Updates************

!!!!!~May 7, 2006~

I had a conversation with one of the girls that works at the Hard Rock Cafe` with me. It turns out that she overheard one of the male waiters conversing in low tones with another female employee about how I looked like a druggie.

"What?!" I asked her in a peeved voice. Marie shook her head sympathetically, and brushed her frizzy brown hair out of her eyes.

"It's what he said. He said that you have dark circles under your eyes," she explained in a whisper near the Hard Rock entrance. I quickly thanked a few of the guests as they left.

"I have dark circles under my eyes? So smoking pot must be only explaination he can come up with?" I whispered furiously, gazing over my shoulder hoping my manager wouldn't suprise us.

Marie shook her head again, "I just wanted you to know," and then walked off with a new group arrival.

I wish I could have confronted the guy this evening. I have circles under my eyes because I don't sleep. See the bullshit I deal with every day? Psh, druggie... PLEASE.

!!!~May 14, 2006~

I had a little chat with Marco (see above, guy who said I prolly do drugs) and he apologized to me. He just likes to run his mouth, I forgave him... After I made sure he made a public announcement of his apology regarding the incident.

Kendrick broke his wrist. Dumbass. His story is that he was just walking along and tripped in a hole and fell on it, but I know better. His pal Jorge told me different. Apparently they had gotten drunk and he tried to heave some dude across the bar at a dance club, and hurt his wrist in the process. Bloody bastard. And I bet the other guy didn't do anything to him. Kendrick always likes to start shit, he probably got what was coming to him.

Hahaha! Ma threw a frying pan at me this morning. It was really early and I cooked breakfast before she woke up. I made bacon and toast for everyone, and she got frustrated because I left dishes in the sink. She was afraid Pa would get onto her. She started bitching when she came into the kitchen, so I told her not to get her knickers in a bunch. Apparently she didn't find it as amusing as I did and she decided to make a point.

I think she got angry because she usually cooks breakfast. I dunno, my whole family is fucking mad. Amusing episode though, I could barely breath because I was laughing so hard trying to explain what the clanging noise was to Pa and Kendrick.

Pa found it funny. Kendrick just grunted like a pig and dug in the icebox (with his good hand, lol) for icecream (his breakfast?).

!!!~May 21, 2006~

School will be over in a few days. Thank God. It's been so embarrasing. I don't know one person who HASN'T asked me why I am sick. Blegh, I'm not sick, I'm just so tired. I drove to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed some anti-depressant thingy. I don't want to take it. I don't want a false sense of happiness.

Pa was shouting at Ma because she allowed me to go. He said that I'm not depressed and that I'm wasting money on drugs that do nothing, just for sympathy. I told him to stop shouting and he nearly hit me, the mad bastard! I promised Ma that I would take them so she wouldn't feel quite so bad about getting yelled at. But when I went to take one this morning, I just stared at the pill in my hand. I couldn't bring myself to put it in my mouth. Seconds later, it ended it's short life in the rubbish bin (garbage can, whatever).

Finals at school are going to be a bitch, too. I've had a few unexcused absences this semester, so by school law, I have to take all of my exams. Crappy, but I'll pull through. Hopefully I've got God on my side, unless he's damned me to hell. Haha, I can just imagine praying in class for the genius to make a decent grade.
----------------
"Dear God, help me to do well on this final exam please."

- Sorry, can't do that James.

"But why?"

- Because you're a fag. LOL. And I have to make a quick trip to the Vatican to give the Pope divine inspiration about letting Bishops with homosexual tendencies lead the churches. Sucks for you, huh? Ta ta for now! *POOF*

-----------------
Sorry, that was blasphemous. Haha, I apologize if I offended you. I found it darkly amusing.

!!!~May 31, 2006~

Piece of advice to all of the gay-bashing, homophobic rednecks: Don't fuck with Mr. James Geordie! Muahaha! I've got mad skills you wouldn't believe. (I'm just jokingBloody hell it was great. I was at the movies with a prospective guy-friend (cutie also known as T.J.- I'm gonna bang his brains out, by the way...) when what I'm about to write went down.

I had my arm around the back of T.J.'s seat in the movie theatre, so we apparently were exuding homo-ness. A redneck a couple of rows behind us kept making snide remarks about "fruitcakes" and "skittle munchers", and T.J. was obviously getting embarrassed. So I turned around and kindly asked John Deere to shut his trap because we were trying to watch the movie. I swear I was as cordial as the situation would allow.

He threw popcorn at us in retaliation for a while, so T.J. and I walked past him and sat in the very top row. We finished the movie and things weren't uncomfortable between us anymore as we followed the line to the parking lot. As a matter of fact, I was pretty chipper and T.J. was cutting up the whole time. He's so hilarious and goofy, I love it!

Then the skinny tractor-rider with buckteeth followed us out to the side of the lot with his fat girlfriend, who was begging him not to make a scene. I mean, what the hell did I do to this guy? Leave us the fuck alone!!!!!!!

"Hay yoo! Got'cha boyfriend's cock stuck up yer butt? I wanna tawlk to yoo!" he called out. I swear to the solid ground I stand on that he had the worst stereotypical country accent I have ever encountered. Guess he was proud of it.

I told T.J. to go off to my car and I would be there in a minute. He grinned. "I'll leave the muscle up to you," he said, smacking me playfully on my belly. God, that was so hot. But I was nervous too.

I didn't really talk much to the guy. His girlfriend shook her head and walked away, cursing at him.

He sneered at me, dug in his pocket and pulled out a nickle. "I'll pay yoo five cents to suck my dick, faggot." Rude.

"What's your problem?" I asked him, seriously angry. I wouldn't touch his skinny little wiener with a sterilized cloth.

"Yoo's from London, ain'tcha? Don't they burn fags in London?" he inquired. But I couldn't help but laugh! Oh my Lord up in Heaven! LONDON? What a loser.

"No." I answered. That's when dorkfish decided to reach for my shirt collar. I was afraid he was going to hit me, so I over-reacted.

I grabbed his wrist and yanked so hard that I spun him around. He fell halfway to the ground and I kicked him hard in the butt so he landed flat on his face. Then guess what I did?

I RAN! Hahahaha! I could hear him cursing me and I jumped in my car and hit the gas. Ah, it was exhilerating. He was probably shouting about sissy homos or something, but I don't care. T.J. was sitting next to me wheezing with laughter.

I dropped T.J. off at his apartment and he gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me. We started laughing again and I had to force myself to walk to the car, still giggling.

Oh, what a night.

!!!~June 3, 2006~

Well, never mind the T.J. deal. We kinda decided to break it off for family and social reasons that I'm not going to go into. I'm not mad about it, suprisingly.

Kendrick rebroke his wrist. And I have NO sympathy for him. This time Pa is pissed. Understandable, because Kendrick was driving drunk in his car and smashed it against the side of a Jr. Food Mart building. I don't even know how he was driving with that cast on, much less drinking... I'm not worried that he might have killed himself. There's no way the fat lug can die, because God needs him here on earth to torture me. Jesus, he gets away with almost everything. He can call Ma a stupid whore and nothing is said. Yeah, that's right. He talks to our mother this way. He curses her, but she is too meek to really reprimand him and he does it out of earshot of Pa. I guess it makes him feel like a big man (as if he needs any help, the tub-o-lard). I hate him. No really, I do. If he was hanging from a rope over a river of lava I would say, "Bye bitch". Then I would cut the rope.

!!!~June 23, 2006~

I've got two jobs now considering it's the summer and all. No school, I'm so excited! I'm working at the Hard Rock Cafe' and now I'm also working at the courthouse. I guess I like working at the courthouse but it can be confusing sometimes. A nice girl named Alice is teaching me to run the legal software for civil filing and I'm running errands between each department. I've met my boss but not my supervisor strangely enough. I mean, wouldn't you think he's supposed to be "supervising" me?

Speaking of Alice, I've been working with her since the 9th of this month. She's sweet but annoyingly perceptive. She told me she has this thing called a "Gay-dar" and that it went haywire when she first met me but I've since been able to squash any idea of hers that I might be gay. It scared me though. I don't know who she talks to around the office and what she might say. I'm paranoid I guess. I want all information about my sexuality to stay IN THE CLOSET untill such time that I choose to release it. I do plan on telling everyone, but it's not safe right now since I'm still in highschool. I still depend on my parents financial support and I don't need to lose a place to sleep. Only one year. I'm counting down the days baby.

!!!~July 2, 2006~

Holy shit.... I don't know what to fucking do. Kate (I've mentioned her somewhere above) knows that I'm gay. I don't know how or why we were talking about it, but she flat out told me that she's known ever since she went with me to go get checked. As soon as she told me I freaked out and left her house. I don't know how she knows or how she found out. She's been calling me nonstop for the past three hours and I don't want to talk to her. I don't know how many people she's blabbed to or if she didn't tell anyone at all. It seems such a long-shot to wish for the latter. I CANNOT let my family find out. Screw friends, I don't want to die. Ever since she told me she knows all I can think about is Kendrick or Pa exploding in my room with one of his big shot guns and all of places they can hide my body.

God, why does this have to be so fucking difficult?!? I don't tell ANYONE that I prefer men. I don't go out and party at gay clubs and hang out with other fags. I don't purposely dress gay, don't flap my wrist like a girl. I flirt with other girls and even act like a dog around them JUST so no one will question my sexuality.What the bloody hell?! Why can't I pretend to be straight for one more year?! Is that so hard? Is that so fucking much to ask?

I've come to terms with being gay. I'm not afraid of myself. I know what I want. I've set a goal: Pretend to be straight untill I'm out of the house and on my own. Then it will be SAFE. That's what I'm worried about right now. It's not safe for me here as long as Kate or anyone else knows. I'm telling you, Pa and Kendrick wouldn't think twice about beating me to death with a shovel or pounding my head in with a brick. Ma's too scared to say anything against them. She prolly wouldn't even call the police.

!!!~July 17, 2006~

Kate and I finally talked. We both went to the Starbucks in town, ordered frappachinos and sat in the very back. Before I could begin to speak she took my hand in hers and assured me that she hadn't told anyone. I didn't realize how heavy the burden of worry that I carried in my soul was untill it lifted. I started to cry and she gave me a hug and continued to tell me in her own way that she didn't care if I was homosexual. Although my eyes were blurred when I looked at her, all I could see was this angel disguised under a small mountain of make-up. It was kind of embarassing that I was crying all over the place but she didn't seem to care. She asked me how long I had been gay and I said, "Quite frankly, love... I don't know." Kate then proceded to explain her reason for not telling anyone. Apparently my home life isn't such a secret or at least not to her. She knows a number of Kendrick's friends and she's listened to quite a few of their conversations. Apparently she can put two and two together unlike everyone else. She was afraid of me 'getting into trouble' and she told me in a fierce voice that "Your preferences are your business."

Needless to say, we had a long chat and I was late for work that evening. My manager at the Cafe` still doesn't seem to care. He still hasn't reprimanded me. I guess that's because I'm not usually late and I'm good at my job.

I think I love that girl. (I love men better, personally, but you get my drift I didn't know she had a heart untill then, haha. I don't think she'll tell anyone either. It just feels so great that someone else sympathizes with me. It's like this whole ordeal is out of my hands now. I've slept so good ever since our chat and I've even started taking my anti-depressants every day. I talk to Kate more now. Either she calls me, I call her or we IM each other on the computer. I'm glad I have someone else to express my feelings to. She tells me her secrets and I tell her mine.

!!!~July 21, 3006~

Kate says I'm self destructive. No, ya think?!?! Haha. I think it's cute how she tries to make me feel better. During one of our conversations she told me to "Think positive thoughts, James."

I laughed and told her okay, I would think about moving back to Scotland. She asked me why and I told her what Scottish men wear under their kilts. Absolutely nothing!!! LOL, a country full of boys in skirts. What a fucking turn on. Na, it's actually not like that. Scotsmen wear normal clothes like everyone else unless it's a special occasion like a wedding or funeral. But still, one can imagine right?

It's still really lonely though. I'm surrounded by people all day but it's as if no one notices me or hears me. They all give me mechanical answers and fake smiles. I'm not trying to be cynical. Ma was cooking in the kitchen and I came up behind and gave her a huge bear hug. She started to push me away. I laughed and asked her if she loves me. You know what answer I got?

"Go on James. I kin hear yer Pa callin ya."

Bull shit. Pa was in his bathroom taking a shower. She just didn't want to say she actually loves me. I can tell. I wonder if she ever wanted children, much less wanted to marry my Pa. Knowing how my grandparents were before they died, I wouldn't be suprised if they forced her into this marriage. It just makes my stomach turn. Or maybe she thinks I feel the same way about her as Kendrick does. He's the one always calling her a whore and laughing like she's supposed to find the insult funny. But I DON'T feel that way about her!!! Kendrick looks and acts like Pa- Both big hairy bastards. I look and act like Ma. I take shit all day, every day, and when I get my feelings hurt, I hide it. But I will tell someone that I love him/her. That's how I'm different.

Grrr.... fuck it.

!!!~August 4, 2006~

This is the craziest, most ironic thing that could have ever happened. I told Katie that I am ready to meet other guys so she decided to "hook" me up with whom she called the "perfect candidate". According to her, he's still very much in the closet. I was a bit iffy about it at first but she wouldn't shut her bloody face, so I agreed to a "blind date". She insinuated that he was very goodlooking with blue eyes and dark hair and even played a local sport. She told me he had a great body, too.

Katie sent me an email telling me the date and time to meet my "mystery guy" at the Rave Theatre. She said he would be sitting on a raised piece of concrete beside the building. She even bought the tickets for both of us and gave them to me. Holy God, I was so nervous. What was he going to be like? Would we click? If so, could I be brave enought to keep the relationship a secret?

Here it goes: I peeked around the side of the huge building and burst out laughing. Zach (yes, Mr. Horney Baseball Player) took one look up at me and burried his face in his hands. It turned red and I was worried that he wouldn't want to go through with the date but he started chuckling and stood up.

I grinned and handed him a ticket. "Apparently Katie knows how to play matchmaker, laddie," I said. He told me that as embarrassed as he was, he was still glad to find out it was me. I nearly died with glee as a result of his compliment. He's always been such a great guy.

"It's sad," he told me as we found some seats in the dark room showing Pirates of the Carribean/ Dead Man's Chest, "We haven't even finished our first date and we'e already had sex." I almost choked on my Pepsi trying to keep from laughing out loud.

We had a fabulous time (I know I did). And sorry for those of you who have yet to see P.O.T.C. #2, but my favorite scene is Kiera Knightly (Elizabeth) pouting in the sand while the three hot guys are sword fighting on that tiny island over the chest.

Anyway, we were out in the parking lot (we parked only a few spaces away from each other, ironically) and he turned to me and said, "I don't want to disappoint Katie, so maybe we can get together sometime soon, if you want to." I agreed with no hesitation.

I'll keep up to date as soon as possible. And to think Zach and I didn't speak to each other for the longest time. Mmmm... and he sure is good in bed.

!!!~August 8, 2006~

Listening to Elton John right now. He's fantastically fabulous! He's my melancholy music. LOL, but I usually listen to shit like Korn, Disturbed, Marilyn Manson, Chevelle, Staind, and the like. I think my style is going chic-rocker. Fuck Polo, hahaha! Oh, I am going to The French Quarter in New Orleans Saturday to go to Cafe` Du Mond with Zach. It's like a 'guys day out' or something how he worded it.

I was just thinking about how much I miss Scotland. My earliest memories were of my elder brother and I down by the edge of the loch by my grandmother's place flicking water at each other. That was before she died and before we moved. She was a bitch. LOL. I didn't really know her enough to really miss her either. Am I a heartless bastard? Mmm... anyway.

Now my family resembles a black-hole. It sucks the life out of me. Psh, and I just suck right back. Muahahahaha! Eh, these pills really do work. I forgot. Is it called Prozac? I dunno...

!!!~August 13, 2006~

Went on that date with Zach. Cafe du Mond was very crowded when we arrived. Had to wait a few minutes to get a seat. Some black guy stood outside and played the saxaphone and sang "Amazing Grace" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot". We laughed at each other with powdered-sugar all over our faces. It was hilarious! God he's hot. All I could think about was that white stuff on his lips. Mm mmm mmmm... yummy. Then we paid the little Asian waitress and went walking around the French Market untill the sun rose too high in the sky. There was this pretty gothic chick selling her own artwork in the Market and I really wanted to buy it because it was really expressive. But I didn't want to be carrying the huge portrait around New Orleans. Before we left, we went walking down Bourbon Street and passed through the gay section with all of the rainbow flags hanging over the balconies. I found it refreshing and a man tried to invite us into his bar (I'm assuming that it was a homosexual hangout) in the middle of the day! LOL, Zach and I explained to him that we were not old enough and he thought we were joking. Seriously, he started laughing. But we declined and crossed the street. I wanted to go walking around the graveyards but it got too hot and we decided to head for home.

!!!~September 6, 2006~

Sorry I haven't written in a while. My ma died. She committed suicide. I knew she was unhappy. I should have said something or tried to help her more. Now it's just me, Pa and Kendrick... She left her cross necklace on my computer desk while I was at school before she killed herself in the garage. I don't know what she meant by doing that. That she loved me? Or that she lost her faith? What do I do now?

!!!~October 9, 2006~

I can't imagine going through all of this without Zach. He came to spend the night with me a few days after I wrote the entry above. We didn't have sex. He just held me against his chest all night and told me over and over that everything was going to be alright. I'm trying to cope with everything. With everyone stopping me in the halls at school asking how I am... phone calls from random people wanting to give my family 'encouragement'. If you ask me, it makes it worse and all the more real. Ma's gone. Never coming back.

Pa is taking it hard. He is never at the house and when he does come home, he's stinking drunk. Kendrick is staying with his friends and might move out and go to another college. He's gotten meaner to me and curses me all of the time. He says I look and act too much like Ma for my own good and that I should kill myself too. I try to ignore him. He's upset because he knows that Ma prolly liked me more. Isn't that stupid? How dare he say shit like that?

Zach is letting me stay over at his house now. I've practically moved in. His mom likes me a lot for some reason and treats me like I'm an adult. She's very sweet and not annoying about trying to make me feel better. She asks once in a while if I need someone to talk to and it's amazing, but sometimes I do tell her certain things that have been bothering me. Stuff at school mainly, and Pa always being gone. I haven't told her about Kendrick though. She assumes that he's just coping roughly too.

I stay in Zach's room. I've got a mattress on the floor but I never sleep on it. I always sleep with him on the comfy bed. Usually we make love late at night, but we have to be quiet so his parents and big sister can't hear us. Sometimes we do it in the morning before school if we can get away with it. His room is at the far end of the house, so no one ever walks in on us because they are too lazy to make the trip. We keep the door locked just in case, though.

Right now I'm at my house by myself typing on the computer and washing my clothes. It's so quiet. After the dryer turns off, I'm going to load everything in my car and drive the twenty or so miles to Zach's house to stay the week. Like I said before, I don't know how I would get through this without him. I'm afraid to say it outloud, but I guess I can type it. I think I am falling in love. I don't know, so I'm not going to jinx it by saying it. I hope so. I hope he feels the same way about me.

!!!~November 17, 2006~

I still miss Ma. I try not to dwell too much on it, but I cry frequently. Urg, I feel like such girl... I appriciate those of you who left me messages in my inbox. I've cried over a few of them. And I always carry Ma's cross that she left for me. I've even put an old picture of her in my wallet. She's wearing a green sweater and looks so beautiful and young. I think it was taken in the '80s. She's not smiling though. I think even then she was sad and depressed. Her dark skin and slanted green eyes (my grandfather was Egyptian) shine through the photograph as if she is actually standing there in real life. Zach saw it the other day and said I look almost identical to her. I even let my hair grow out to its natural dark color. Almost black with a little bit of dark red (Pa has red hair). It used to be dyed blonde. I looked like that douch bag Justin Timberlake. Vomit.

I've officially stopped going to church. I'd rather study religion on my own. I'm even writing a piece in my portfolio about Lucifer and his point of view of the world. Not that I worship him or anything, lol... just something different to think about.

Zach was really sweet to me yesterday. He took me to watch a baseball game at the local field and we went swimming in a pond near his house. He said that he misses seeing me happy. After he told me that I kissed him and assured him that he was doing a great job at cheering me up. He laughed and tackled me off of the dock at the lake. I swear we almost drowned! Lol. There was a melancholy air around us though. I think Ma was watching. She wasn't disappointed in me I don't think. I think she just wished she could have seen me smile so much while she was alive.

I wish I could just wake up one morning and come down into our kitchen and find her. I would hug her and pat her hair and tell her she was the best Ma in the world. That she didn't have to kill herself or be unhappy because I would take care of her. I would kiss her nose and let her know how much she meant to me. That I appriciate everything she ever did for me. But I can't. All I can do is dream.

!!!~January 2, 2007~

Well, Happy New Year and all that jazz... Went to New Orleans with Zach and drank. Some old man was giving out free beer near the riverwalk and I couldn't help myself. I don't even like beer. I'm sure I made an idiot of myself because I don't even remember past eleven o'clock untill the next morning when I woke up in a hotel room next to Zach and some other girl. I think we just picked her up or something and brought her with us. She was very pretty but acted a little like a whore. Okay, I was just being nice... She was a MAJOR slut bag.

I'm also kind of worried. I don't remember anything, but Zach was acting very strange toward me yesterday morning when we drove back home. I don't think I did anything with her, but I think he did. I get very angry just thinking about it but I'm not going to jump to conclusions... He just has this guilty look on his face like he did something wrong and hopes I don't remember. I don't, but I would hate to find out something about that skank.

I've also got this feeling that Zach and I are moving apart. He's been looking at other girls and I've noticed. He says he's just kidding when he whistles at them and winks at them, but I can tell he would like to be with them. Oh God, what if I'm just some experiment to him? "Yeah, I just wanted to know what it's like to be gay... but I really like girls now."

I don't know how I might handle something like that. With Ma being gone and Pa and Kendrick never at home, I don't have anyone except Zach. I think I have become too attached, but I can't help it. I don't even know if I love him anymore or if he was just something to hold on to when everything was crazy. We don't even have sex anymore. I don't think I'm sexually appealing to him anymore. Either that or he's straight again and doesn't know how to end it with me... If he thinks I'm an idiot, I'm not. I guess I'll have to do it.

Mmmm... I pretty much don't have anyone right now... What a fantastically horrible thought. Anybody want a lonely (almost) eighteen year old Scotsman to fuck? If it helps, I have a cool accent dude... Lol, somebody shoot me and get it over with...

!!!~January 15, 2007~

I broke up with Zach about a few weeks ago (I think). He kept saying that he's not bisexual but that he did sleep with that girl. Now how in the world does that make any sense? Anywho, I've talked to him a few times after the fact but now I've stopped answering the phone calls. I'm tired of dealing with him. He hurt me and I want to move on. I don't want to think about it anymore. Is that wrong of me? I don't like liars or cheaters. I understand if you are bisexual but you are going to piss me off if you don't tell me in the first place and lead me on to believe that guys are the ONLY ones you are attracted to. I would like to know and not be left hanging if I see you checking out other chicks. I could be sympathetic and I MIGHT even allow a three-some, but don't fuck up like he did. Of course, I'm not saying I need a boyfriend right now. Just a fuck buddy if you catch my drift. Boyfriends suck.

OH, and I just got promoted at the Hard Rock Cafe'. I will be training under the assistant manager and learning the shit he does (what a fatty, lol). But I like where I am. I like being a waiter and/or host. I love people. Not the whiney ones though. Fuck the whiney ones. Blah. God, you've gotta love deppression medication. Ha.

Pa even came home last night and he WASN'T drunk. Can you believe that? Not drunk. I guess he realizes Ma never loved him and he wants a new woman already. I wouldn't put it passed him, bastard.

I don't know about the whole San Francisco thing now. I've been looking at other colleges in New York and maybe one in Illinois. Well, scratch off Illinois. It seems too... boring.

!!!~January 17, 2007~

Well, I've gone and done it again. I've gotten a MySpace and been chatting with another guy. He's pretty interesting, and my god, he's just so fucking prettyand... sexy. Haha. He keeps wanting to see other pictures of me but I don't do the whole picture thing. I don't think he believes I'm real. Haha, apparently he said I could be some fat man behind a computer trying to bullshit him. It's funny I guess. The pictures that I have up will have to do. Plus, I don't do the whole internet chatting thing well, either. I guess for the same reason he wants more proof that I'm real: Anyone can be crazy. Does anyone know how much that would freak me out to find out I've been turning on some bald fifty year old bastard who likes underage boys? ECK!

I'm not kidding about the internet scaring me. I would like to know the guy better, but I'm still iffy about the whole thing.

Had baseball practice tonight. That was interesting. Chaz broke a bat against the bleachers and Matt busted up his knee a bit after diving for a fast ground ball. Fucktards. And it's a new semester. That means new classes. Trig and Chemistry. Fun Fun!

!!!~October 29, 2007~

Okay, so I got a review from someone asking if I was alright because I hadn't written in months. Well I promise, sweetheart, that I'm fine. Just life, haha. I have been really busy actually. I am still in New Orleans, but I'm in a different house. It's an apartment actually and it's really run-down but, hey, it's mine. I could have a nicer one, but Pa wouldn't help me with the financial part. I told him I am gay and he's pretty much kicked me out for good.

Wow, I told everyone that I'm gay about three months ago in August. Don't remember the date exactly because it was over a period of time. I hanging out with some friends when a flamer walked past us on the street and whistled. I winked at him and a few of my friends saw it and later asked me if I was gay. I didn't lie. And the strange thing is that they didn't think this was anything big. They were suprised of course, but not disgusted. So gradually I've had old highschool buddies call me and ask, then I will run into someone and I won't try to hide it. I'm not femi- but I guess now that I look at other guys freely, it's easier to tell where my eyes are staring ya know?

Oh, Kendrick tried to beat "some sense" into me, but he's forgotten that I'm nearly as tall as him and my build is more muscle than fat (in his case). He may be an ex football player, but I guess he forgot that I've played more sports than he has. Try baseball, football, soccer, rugby, swimming, and track. All it took to get him to leave me alone was a well aimed swing at his jaw. Now I don't hear from either Kendrick or Pa. I don't think they even talk to each other much.