I want

Dear You,

It hit me last night. The last year of my life just hit me at once. Everything from the day Josh left to yesterday has snowballed and fallen on me. It hurts, I’m an emotional mess. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm embarrassed. I'm hurt. I'm lonely. I wish I could turn back time and go back one year, back to when life was so uncomplicated.Yes I had secrets, but nothing like I have now. I am sick of having secrets. People do things to me, and I can’t tell anyone else because nobody is meant to know. It would hurt so many people if they knew what I know. My heart can't be in so many places at once. I don't love anymore, I don't hate... I LIE!! And I hate it. Why can’t life be like it was? He was my secret, just mine, ALL MINE, I had him to call my own.

I have spent the last year worrying about how I am meant to feel and so I haven’t had time to actually feel. I am a bad person. Nobody sees it because it is all secrets. I have nobody that I can tell EVERYTHING to. The one person I thought I could, left for England and the other person has become nothing but 'nothing' to me.

In an instant, sweet and strange, everything about me changed. People told me it was karma, but I was a good person before he left. Out of nowhere he just wanted to be free, cut me loose, forget about me. In an instant I became nothing. I felt used. HE USED ME!! This was one year ago. I felt used and torn one year ago by a person I loved with too much of my heart. I loved Josh with too much of me.

Now one year later I am used again. I liked you. You liked me. Why the bastard-ness?? You can’t tell me, because I wont ask you. I wont tell you how hurt I am. You will never know that I have cried myself to sleep so many times because of how you treated me. You used me. For the second time in one year, I have been used. You would think I was used to it by now- I didn’t love you, it shouldn't hurt, but it does. I had learned to trust you. I had learned to trust in general. I'm not saying I'm battered and bruised, but I might as well be with the words you used.

Now I think I'm addicted to being craved. I need to be loved. I need to feel wanted. I need someone. Ordinarily I would say I need you, but I don't. I miss you. The ‘you’ that you were before you changed. But, maybe you didn’t change, perhaps you were always what you are now, but I was blinded. My days are empty. Filled with nothingness.

I want you to need me. I don’t want you anymore, but I still want you to hurt. I want you to hurt like you hurt me. I want you to feel worthless and ugly. I want you to feel like nobody sees you. I want you to feel invisible. I want your self worth to be gone. I want you to feel how I feel every day. I wear a smile, I party hard, I laugh. But I’m hurt. You have hurt me. My secrets have hurt me. You have both hurt me.

What would you do if I told on you??? Did you ever think of how much power you have given me? Obviously not, or you wouldn’t have treated me like this. You wouldn’t have reeled me in, made me like everything about you, only to crush my already fragile heart into a million tiny pieces. I can’t trust anymore. I can’t even trust myself. A good person would not have to hold these secrets. They say we don’t kiss and tell. I want to tell.

Yours no more, Rhiannon