Bifocals, Menopause, Death

BIFOCALS, MENOPAUSE, DEATH


Today I received a reminder that I am due for an eye exam. I have been dreading this moment. At my last eye exam, I somehow managed to squeak by without needing bifocals. However, this time, I have a feeling that I won’t be so lucky.

It’s not that I have a problem wearing bifocals. It’s just another stage of being middle-aged. All I need to complete the look of the ‘classic middle-aged woman’ is a chain so I could wear them around my neck. What really worries me, is that there aren’t too many life-stages left for me. I realized that, once I get bifocals, the remaining major life events are menopause and death.

Once I get bifocals, the “Big M” looms before me. I wouldn’t mind delaying that for as long as possible. I’ve heard far too many stories from menopausal women, and what I heard, wasn’t pleasant.

The stories couldn’t all be true. Could they? Hoping to ease my mind, I did a quick search on Web MD and found a list of symptoms associated with menopause. I should have known better than to search Web MD! Whenever I do a search there, I always leave the site with the feeling that life, as I know it, is over, even if it is a common cold that ails me. This search was no different. A short list of symptoms includes such things as: facial hair, hot flashes, cold flashes, mood swings, bladder control problems, and insomnia.

Facial hair! You’ve got to be kidding me! Does that mean that I’ll need to stand at the bathroom mirror and shave my face every morning? That will add an additional ten minutes to my morning routine. What if I cut myself? Will I need to walk around with little pieces of toilet paper on my face?

And what can you do about hot and cold flashes? I’ve seen women carrying around those mini-fans for when a hot flash hits. To me, carrying one of those, when you’re not on the beach, is just a red flag telling the world “I’M HAVING A HOT FLASH”. I don’t think that I would carry one. But, then again, who knows? Maybe I’ll need it and won’t care. Cold flashes should be fairly easy to deal with. I’ll just put on a sweater even if it is one hundred degrees in the shade.

As for mood swings, I think I should be able to deal with them fairly easily. Of course, if I become a raving lunatic, I think people will notice. In that case, I’m sure there is a nice padded cell somewhere especially for “menopause-related” personality disorders. Perhaps I should reserve one now.

Bladder control problems? I panicked when I read this one. Should I start paying closer attention to those Depends commercials? Is that why they always depict women? Do you carry a ‘spare’, just in case? Will I need a diaper bag equipped with extra Depends and a change of clothes? Why didn’t I hear about this before now?

And finally, insomnia. For some reason, that doesn’t bother me. When it hits, well, I figure I’ll get more things done. I‘ll plan household chores. This symptom might actually be beneficial! I imagine finally having all the laundry washed and folded, and my kitchen floor will be spotless!

After going through the mine-field that is menopause, death would be the only major stage left. To think that I am this close to death, makes me uneasy, to say the least.

So, I was thinking. If I put off going to the eye doctor, maybe I can also delay the onset of the remaining stages. They can’t happen until I get bifocals - right?