It's Not Worth It

It's Not Worth It

"Where are you going Jones? Your food is getting cold and dinner already began half an hour ago."

"Aw, no place in particular mom. I'm not hungry at this minute. I'm just going to out for a couple of hours with my friends. I'll be back home around 10pm."

"Ok Jones but didn't you have homework?"

"No mom, that homework is due two days from now, I can do it later on."

"Ok, well call me later on"

"Yes mom," I said as I left through the front door and closed it. What I said to my mom was true since I was going to go out with my friends and hang out with them. What my mom didn't know was that those friends I hanged out where actually all gang members that was part of the gang organization called the Crypt's. I too was part of this gang, because all of my friends were part of it, and because if people knew we belonged in the gang, no one would mess with us.

I thought it was cool back then, when I was 17 to be part of a gang. I'm 23 now and my full name is Jones Hawk. I'm now a public speaker in domestic issues relating to prostitution, teenage sex, abuse, and my main topic, gangs. I lived my life in that gang thinking that it was cool and you were protected. However as I continued to be part of the gang, I realized that once you were part of the gang, they will never let you go. Gangs make you feel like you were part of a group or if you keep hanging out with them, a family. That's how most teenagers continue to join gangs. Not only because of the protection or because of the heightened status in social groups, but because they feel like they belong in something. They feel wanted, but that feeling is only an illusion when time continues to pass by. I unfortunately figured that out in the end. It was my girlfriend who knew from the beginning and tried to get me out.

I still can't believe how I managed to ask Jaina out. She was so beautiful - not only on the outside but in the inside as well. She had brown hair that was past her shoulders, brown eyes that looked like honey and a very cute smile that when I first began dating her, made me melt. All my friends noticed her when we were hanging out outside in front of school smoking. We were all in the gang and were well known in school. Not like we attended school. We always kept skipping and walking through the streets of Downtown Toronto like we owned the place. And in a way, we did. However there was another rival group name the Bloods' that were also in the same location as we were in. They always wear red bandanas while we wore blue. We were the two top gangs in Downtown and everyone knows about it. That's why half of the people at school stayed away from us, thinking that we would beat them up or something. Which is true if they ever tried to disrespect us. That's why many tried to join a gang, for the protection that they would get. As we were discussing on possible things to do later on, a friend of mine named Scott noticed Jaina walking down the steps and said to the others.

"Damn, look at her, shit there's no way in hell any of us can go out with her. People say in school that she's one of those straight A students. What do you think y'all? Anyone have the guts to ask her out?"

Everyone looked around smirking but saying nothing. The last thing anyone wanted to do was to be embarrassed in front of his or her friends. And what was worse, somehow word can spread like wildfire around the school fast and within minutes everyone would know about it. As Scott kept saying who would try and go out with her, I kept looking as she passed me on the steps. A breeze of a clean scent hit my nose and immediately little fantasies kept popping up in my head about her. I definitely had my eye on her for a while. She was in a class called World Issues and Life in which I happened to be in as well. We had a teacher named Mrs. Zanthura that talked about life and issues around the world. Jaina always had something to say. Just because I was part of a gang and skipped school didn't mean that I was dumb. I was pretty intelligent and even though I kept skipping school, I managed to fool my mom that I was wasn't skipping by still doing well in tests and giving her the marks of them. I listened to Jaina as she talked about everything in the world. What an amazing girl she is I thought. Then I started feeling bad because I knew she would never go out with me. She's too smart and therefore probably hated gangs. Out of all the girls that would like guys who are tough, she is the one that I liked so much that would think the opposite of other girls.

"Hey Jones what about you?" Scott said as he suddenly clapped my shoulder.

"What are you talking about Scott?" I said as I continued staring at Jaina as she was walking down the stairs.

"I know you have a thing for her, a huge thing if you're still staring at her. So how about you ask her out?" I heard everyone behind me started chuckling. And some even continued saying, "Go Jones, you can do it. Put a little move into it!"

"O shut up," I barked at everyone saying that line and then turned to Scott. "There's no way in hell she would ever man."

Scott smiled slightly in his evil way and tilted his head towards a couple of others in the group. They began smiling as well. I began feeling a bit of dread as they began coming up to me, Scott in the lead. "Well Jones, we'll help you man. I'm sure we can give you a bit of a push!"

Then Scott and the rest began pushing me towards her down the stairs. I began pushing them back laughing and saying, "You bastards!" as I tripped on a step and began falling down the stairs. Boy was that painful. I must've bounced off at least 7 steps and landed back first onto the concrete ground. I felt like the world was spinning around me as I tried to sit up. And then it was like a bright light hitting my cheeks and made them burn all of a sudden because someone offered their hand to pull me up and when I look up, it was Jaina herself. I tried very hard not to just stare at her like a dog waiting for a treat, but it was so hard not to. She looked just as beautiful as ever with her brown hair flowing down her shoulders. As she pulled me up her eyebrows went up as she said, "Are you ok? That was quite a fall."

I felt my cheeks turn a thousand shades of red not only because she was staring at me, but because I can hear all my friends laughter and hoots, including Scott who seemed to be leading the symphony. "Thanks Jaina," I muttered as I was brushing the dirt off my pants and back. Jaina then sent her gaze over to Scott and the rest who were looking down at us smiling and cat calling.

"I noticed your friends were the ones that pushed you down the stairs. Any reason why?" she said as she continued staring at them.

"Wouldn't have a clue," I said as I also stared at them and tried giving Scott the coldest cut-eye that was ever invented. Jaina then looked at me with her honey eyes and seemed to know that I wasn't telling the truth.

"Right. Well see you later in class Jones," she said as she adjusted her bag over her shoulder and began walking to the parking lot. Before I could stop myself I yelled out, "Wait!"

Jaina stopped and turned around and just stared at me without saying a word. I gulped all of the fear that began surrounding my chest. The fear of facing more then likely rejection from her. The fear of what my friends will say when I try and ask her out. I just tried to show how much I cared for her. "Hey-hey, Jaina, um well, I was wondering if you, I mean um, if we could, well, you know." A parrot could've spoken more clearly then me at that moment but I still felt so nervous. I didn't actually think I could've done this but somehow something inside me straightened and I found the words.

"I was wondering if you would like to go out with me sometime?" I forced out while keeping my eyes very clear and steady on her. Gosh, it was like staring at Medusa. Jaina's eyes kept staring at me as though trying to read a very dusty map. She then said, "Is that your idea or your gang's?"

Wow, I thought to myself. This girl never misses a beat. Her comment was sharp however and she must've noticed that to as I stepped back once because she then said, "Sorry, I didn't mean it that harshly. I know it was your idea, really."

"How did you know it was my idea?" I said. My curiousity taking over me for that one split second.

"Well," she thought as she frowned slightly, "I can't remember a single moment when you were not staring at me in class."



And here I thought I was legendary in the skill of staring at a girl while looking as though I was not. "Sorry," I said sheepishly as I looked up into the sky.

Jaina then put her hands into her pockets and asked, "Why are you suddenly asking me out?"

I thought about the question for a few seconds and decided that honesty was the best course of action. "Well," I said. "Because you’re a beautiful person you know. I can see it in class and when you also talk to your friends around the school."

Jaina began frowning again. "So you've been observing me around the school huh? Like a school stalker?"

O god I thought to myself. As I began to stutter a bit while thinking of an excuse, she smiled and said, "Just kidding. But honestly, there are so many girls out there who are way more cute then Ii. Why don't you go after them?"

"Because I said that you are a beautiful person. That doesn't mean only on the outside you know. You're like a book that I want to see beyond the pretty cover. A book that I cannot leave unfinished but instead to continue to read the story within it's pages. A story that I wish I could be a part of so that way it can be a true happy ending."

I knew I would get her with that line, and I was right. I can tell by the way her eyes looked at me. It looked like as though they were glowing a bit brighter now. And I knew that she was also very impressed.

"Well Mr. Shakespeare, what book did you have to steal those lines from?" she said jokingly, now giving me her full attention.

I began to smile at her. "Call it a guy's intuition to impress a girl with things she might like."

Jaina nodded and glanced back up at Scott and the rest. They were quiet now and were suddenly very interested in what us two were talking about. "Too bad most of the guys tend to infect that intuition with sick perverted jokes which involves big shafts and ass size. But why would you Jones be part of a gang like the Crypt's? They murder people you know. And I know for a fact that you are not a murderer."

I looked up at my friends as well, including Scott who was doing visual things with his fingers which including an index finger and an O shaped hand as the main act. "I owe them my loyalty Jaina. They mean a lot to me. That's probably the main reason why I joined the gang. I know people say that gangs are all bad. But really does it depend on the organization, or the person inside it that dictates if you are in the gang, you're suddenly bad?"

As I said this I then looked back at her. She was looking at me as though I was in a new light. I'm not sure what I was feeling at that time. I was waiting for an answer when Jaina suddenly said, "No, you are not bad."

At that point we became a couple. It was like as though reality grabbed one of my fantasies and suddenly made it real. I never felt so happy in my life. She also became more serene, more emotional, more everything in the way she was with me. She told me that she acted like she did before so that way she can protect herself in a way from people that didn't know her. I knew what she meant in a way. Since I was part of the Crypt's, I had to act in a different way with them then when I was with other people. I had to be tougher; or else they would think I was some type of pussy and begin to attack me physically or worse, verbally. I couldn't be caring to the people that were in the gang. Everyone was supposed to be all gangsters. I didn't care though, as long as I was with my friends. If my friends wanted to leave the gang, I would've done the same thing. It was fun being part of the gang though. However, my activities in the gang did not prevent me from spending less time with Jaina. It seemed Jaina saw something in me that she liked and therefore decided to go out with me. We talked about everything when we were out on our 7th date through the streets of Downtown Toronto. It was like everything became suddenly more clear with her by my side. She also began talking to me about the gang I was with and kept trying to convince me to get out. She kept talking to me about how gangs were bad, and that you shouldn't take so lightly how protected you are, since there were a lot of gang battles in rivalry gangs. She also said how gangs would never let you go if you try and get out. And that they might hurt your friends or even worse your loved ones just to get back at you. I told her that I would do anything for you, but I would not leave the gang unless my friends did. She then asked me to ask them to see if they'll leave. I tried to with Scott and the rest, but they were too big in the gang. Too cocky in a way, too "gangsta" in order to leave. I told her I tried but I couldn't. Jaina looked at me and I could see them pleading at me. "Please leave the gang Jones, I beg you," she said.

"I'm sorry Jaina but I can't. You're not going to break up with me right?"

Jaina looked at me and began hugging me, her arms around my necks feeling very soft yet strong at the same time. "Of course I wouldn't babe, but I just don't want you hurt. I care about you too much."

She then released me and looked at me with her honey eyes. "I love you."

It was like as though her honey eyes began leaking in my heart because all I felt was warmth. Without wasting a second, I pulled her up close to me and kissed her on the streets of Downtown Toronto. Not caring of the old couple staring at us from a bench, or the people in the car who were glancing at us when they passed by us, or of a homeless person who was holding doors for people that were trying to get into Tim Hortons, hoping for some spare change in exchange for his/her help in holding the door. Nothing mattered to me, but only her, only Jaina, the one I loved. As I whispered that into her ear, I heard her makes a little sound like a "aww" and neon lights began flashing back on my cheeks. She then grabbed my hand and pulled me down a street till we reached her house. As we went inside I realized that her parents weren't home at all. I remember meeting her parents, and they seemed to be very nice people. Jaina didn't tell them about me being a gang member of the Crypt's, probably because her family also disapproved about gangs. I looked at Jaina and asked, "Where is your parents?"

Jaina turned around and said to me, "They aren't home right now. They are coming in late."

There was something weird in the way she was acting. I noticed there was something like a twinkle in her eyes as she said that. I asked her, "What time are your parents coming if late?"

Jaina smiled suddenly began getting bigger as she walked up close to me and looked into my eyes with her. She then kissed my ear and whispered, "Does it matter?"

As realization hit me, I couldn't get my eyes off her. She winked and then began pulling me upstairs. I'm sure with your imagination you can figure out what happened afterwards. Our bond continued to grow and grow.

*****

We were four months into our relationship before bad things began happening in the streets of Downtown Toronto. There was a recent shooting in which a couple of members of the Crypt's (not including my friends) were being punked by a couple of people from the Bloods'. Right after that three people were dead. Two Crypts' and one Bloods' died as the result of the shooting. Both gangs blamed the other for the deaths of their fallen gang members. There was all this talk in school of what was the Crypt's going to do now. The latest shootings had an effect on all of my friends as well. Suddenly Scott and the rest were talking about what type of guns they should bring to school. I managed to convince Scott to not bring them onto school property. Not because he and the rest of our friends would get expelled, but that innocent people might die by accident. He nodded to me reluctantly. "You got our backs right Jones?" he said.

I looked at all of my friends in the eye and nodded saying, "Sure do man. I have your backs."

Jaina seemed to be the most affected after the shootings happened. More then ever she began asking me to get out of the gang. Every day constantly she would bring up the subject of one of those gang deaths being you, and that she couldn't live if I got injured in any way. I kept telling her that I would be fine, and that I wouldn't abandon my friends.

One day I said that line to her again and Jaina looked at me with anger saying, "So you would abandon me then?"

I closed my eyes and then began focusing on her and put my hands on her hips. "Please don't use that against me. You know that you are more important then anything. But I am loyal to my friends, and I will help them out. You know that, so please don't say that again. It hurts."

Jaina didn't say a word, but I could tell that by the way she just relaxed her head on my chest that she was indeed sorry, but very worried.

*****

I was eating with Jaina in the cafeteria at school where suddenly four my friends from the Crypt's came running to my table. I looked at them in alarm and asked what was wrong.

One of them said, "Jones, those fucking Bloods' killed a couple of our comrades, including Scott!"

It was like as though my vision began turning red. I slowly stood up and stared at the ground. Immediately I felt the warm embrace of Jaina as she continued whispering in my ear, "I'm sorry babe, I'm sorry." However, it was as though she wasn't even there saying anything. All I can think of is that Scott was dead. Dead because those bastards killed him. The red I was seeing began fading away, but it then went inside and began growing inside my heart, giving me power, strength, and a taste of revenge.

Another one said, "They want to have a fight with us Jones. We have to get revenge. We already have some guns, and more Crypts' are coming as well. We are going to go right now. We need your help man. We have to do this for Scott."

I pushed Jaina off of me slightly, then looked at everyone and said, "Let's go."

As I began to move, someone began holding me back. I closed my eyes; tears began forming like ice being melted, and said harshly, "Let go of me Jaina!"

Jaina sobbed and said, "Don't do it Jones. Please, I can't afford to lose you. Don’t do this to me, please don't. I beg of you. I love you. Don't please!"

For the first time I turned towards Jaina and holding her eyes with mine said, "I'm sorry."

I started to run down the hallway at top speed with the rest of the Crypt's at school, my mind going back to the times when I was with Scott. As memories began resurfacing, my rage continued to grow. My eyes began tearing up again as we ran outside and went inside the car. "Those fucking bastards," I kept saying to myself out loud as someone handed over to me a gun. As the car began driving towards the destination where the Bloods' were waiting, I checked the gun to see if it was loaded. It was. I closed my eyes as I heard the breathing of my friends and other Crypt members. They were all breathing rather harshly but all of them looked determined. "Why you Scott," I said to myself again.

The car finally stopped and everyone began scattering out of the car like ants. I looked around and there they were. The bitches that shot Scott to the ground were standing in red, waiting for us I thought. As I began running, at the corner of my eye I saw a taxi suddenly pull up next to me. And then I heard two sounds. The first was the unmistakable sound of gunfire. The second was the click of a door opening. And inside I saw Jaina coming out. Panic suddenly sprouted out into my heart and veins as I saw her running towards me. "GET DOWN JAINA!" I said out loud but she didn't hear me. She kept running towards me as I heard nothing but guns going off around us. Screaming and shouts suddenly emitted into the air, and yet my entire focus was on her. She was almost near me when she yelled out, "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!" As I tried to reply my voice suddenly got choked by reality itself. It was like someone pressed the slow button on a remote control and slowed everyone down. She was coming at me, one foot at a time, her brown hair moving through the wind, her honey eyes red with tears and love, her mouth open continuing to yell out. And then, there was nothing but red. A bullet came by and went right through her temple, making her suddenly fall forward towards me. Slowly she seemed to be moving, and suddenly I couldn't see her anymore because tears were in my eyes before I could even register them. She fell on me and together we both hit the ground. Still in slow motion, my hand was on her head as I looked at it. It was nothing but red. I looked at her face and saw her staring at me; her eyes portraying the words that her voice wasn't unable to say. "I love you." And then, the honey brown faded, her life energy suddenly gone. I began hearing someone scream out loud like a warrior cry, and it took me a long time before I realized it was I that was screaming. Real time snapped back. I couldn't live anymore. The person that I loved died in order to save my life. As I was on the ground in tears, all I kept saying was one thing. "I'm sorry Jaina, I'm sorry Jaina, I'm sorry Jaina."

*****

I was driving down the road when I began remembering the story again. The story was part of the speech I made to other people, especially teenagers on the topic of gangs when I was at schools and universities. It was like a story in away, except that it was based on reality. In fact, it WAS reality. As I got out of the car, I opened the fence and went inside the cemetery. Holding the flowers in my head, I took 10 steps before I reached a tombstone. On the tombstone there was a name on it as well as a date. It read,

Jaina Salamanz
1983-2000
R.I.P

As I placed the flowers onto Jaina's grave, my eyes began tearing up. I placed my hand and looking up at the sky, yelled out a single line. "IT'S NOT WORTH IT!"