My Psychologists words.

I've been told over and over again that writing about my feelings would help with me being a widow and single father. But I don't think everyone understands that what keeps me going every day is Lydia. Had Jess and I never had Lydia I don't think I would of survived her passing.

I am a single father, to the most beautiful daughter any father could ask for. Her name is Lydia, and she is two years old.

Two years ago this month Lydia lost her mother and I lost the love of my life.

Jess and I met soon after my divorce from my first wife and quickly fell in love.

I had just started at Athens Tech College Studying Business Administration when Jess was sitting in the court yard eating a peach. I was so nervous to talk to her. She was so beautiful with her long red hair and green eyes. After working up the courage to go talk to her I (as we used to joke) moved in for the kill. I don't know where I found the words to talk to her that day, but everything came out "blah" to me. Jess always said I could tie up my words in a heart beat.

Jess and I knew right away that we wanted to get married. Two months later we were married and the next day we found out Jess was pregnant. I was a nervous wreck for 9 months. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I was working full time as a Police Officer and going to school the rest of my time. When Lydia was born I stopped going to school for a while so that I could take care of Jess and Lydia.

This is where Lydia's and my life changed forever.

I was on patrol, actually on a call when my cell phone started ringing. When I was done with the call I checked my phone. 8 missed calls.... All from home. What the hell was going on? When I called home, there was no answer. Again and again I called and still no answer. I called my Chief and told him he had to come into work cause I couldn't get my wife at home and didn't know what was going on. Just before my Chief arrived I recieved the worst call of my life from Jess's sister. JESS WAS IN THE HOSPITAL, COME HERE NOW! As my Chief arrived I told him what was going on and said I had to leave. I left in my patrol car and headed to Athens. When I hit Oconee County line I knew that I was not moving fast enough and something was really wrong. I turned on my lights and siren and told dispatch to notify ACCPD that I would be running code through their county to the Hospital. Traveling many times at over a 120 mph down I316 I would think over and over, what is going on, is Jess okay, has something gone wrong with Lydia? Tears began to run as I thought worse and worse things. I arrived at Athens Regional Medical Center, tires squeeling and brakes smoking. I ran into the emergency room to find Jess's Mother, Father, Brother, and Sisters crying. I asked what happened. Amber told me the only thing I never wanted to hear. Jess was gone........................

It took a year before I could talk about that day. Jess had complications from the birth and there was nothing the bastard doctors could do. I want to know why this was never known until now. I hated everyone.

I walked into her room and saw her laying there. Pain, loss, tearing of a lovers heart. I sat there with Jess for hours it felt. Talking to her about everything I wanted to tell her, things I thought I would have a life time to tell her.

Amber came into the room and sat down beside me. We looked at each other and together cried. I cried all my hate, fear, and loss. Then Amber spoke... Someone needs you... She left the room and returned. Lydia... I held my daughter. The perfect image of her mother. All my hate, fear, pain was gone. I cried tears of this gift, this perfect girl given to me. Jess wasn't gone, she was here within our daughter.

That was my worst day, you ever get asked that question, I have an answer for it, one I never wanted.

Its been two years and I've since brought all the pieces of my life together. I'm a Network Administrator, working as a private contractor for companies that need computer help, but don't want to pay the big paychecks to in-house employee's. This gives me all the time I need to spend with Lydia. I'm at home almost all of her waking time, and when I can't be here Amber or my parents take care of her. Since its just the two of us we do everything together. This summer I have a trip planned for us to go to London, England.

Every day with my daughter is a blessing. Even while I type this she sleeps next to me. I try to put her in her bed, but she just gets up and comes into my room.

Thank you Journal for listening. Good Night!