Emptiness

Where have my feelings gone?
Lost to the darkness, hidden behind
The stars that abandon me to this
Emptiness, this nothingness.

I used to see the stars in a clear
Blue sky, where the sun rested and beamed,
Darkness amongst the smiling faces,
I used to feel. Pain, hurt, loneliness,
Grief. Now I grieve for what is no longer there,
This hole inside me where my feelings
Used to live. Emptiness, nothingness,
No feelings, no thoughts, no imagination,
Because there is no pain.

Why am I only happy, only alive,
When I am crying under the stars?
When the sun beams down and all I can do
Is frown into the blackness within,
Surrounded by light yet lost
In the night, loving the night,
I miss the night, within.

What is the point of living
This emptiness where nothing
Matters, where there is meaning to nothing
And nothing fills me like a gushing ford,
Empty and silent, vast as a desert,
Devoid of the water of inspiration,
Imagination, feeling. I am lost
Inside my own mind; it all looks the same,
A vast blankness, greyness, emptiness.

No thoughts, no feelings. Do I exist at all?
I read all that came before, all that was written
When my heart ached and my soul burned,
And my thoughts flowed freely in darkness,
When I longed for death yet was more alive,
Ever more alive than this thoughtless, emotionless existence.

Because now it truly is that they don’t notice me,
And that is my own fault. Not like before,
When I was there and aching to be seen,
Aching to be heard, and still ignored,
Shunned, left behind. Now I am a silent
Presence, not mocked, not hated, not liked,
Not noticed, just one more grain of sand on the beach
As the dirty water clutches at me, drags me backwards,
Pushes me forwards, drags me back again.

I need to find my place among the stars,
I need to find my soul again, to feel, to think,
To live. I need to see the darkness around me
Once more. Need to feel the sting of tears.

But nothing is really wrong, and I feel nothing,
And my mind is vast and empty,
And I don’t know what to do to regain that pain,
That sweet, ecstasy of pain that burns from within
And fills me with its beautiful, dark music.

I just want to hear
There are embers here,
A faint hope within that I’m not
Empty forever, lost in this nothing
That fills me so completely,
Seems to fill me completely.

Tell me I will hurt once more,
Tell me there is pain, and darkness,
And tears and fire within me still.

Tell me I will feel again.
Tell me, please, before this nothing
Kills me, and I don’t even feel the pain.