One Step Ahead

Jane’s fingers flew over the keyboard as her eyes darted across the pages of notes lying on her desk. Pausing to curse under her breath as she lost her place, her fingers collided in a typo. She was both behind schedule and off her game today, operating on only a few hours of sleep for the second night in a row. And, to make matters worse, most of that sleep had only come in troubled, fitful bursts, tossing and turning until dawn.

But she didn’t want to dwell on that right now, needing to get this work done if she was ever going to make it to Lily’s costume parade.

She would’ve been out of here over twenty minutes ago as planned, but an author had faxed over some last minute changes to be added to her copy of the manuscript with deadlines looming. She finished typing in record speed, however, jumping up from her desk as soon as she hit the save button.

Now she only had about ten minutes to get over to Lily’s preschool across town, but she could possibly make it there for at least some of the parade if she hurried.

Suddenly her phone rang out on her desk. She briefly considered walking away and not answering, but with everyone else slaving away at their desks all around her she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jane. It’s Arthur.” There was a pause. “Arthur Collins.”

She almost let out an audible groan of dismay. As her most needy and irritating author, he was a constant source of headaches.

“Hey,” she replied rather breathlessly. “What’s going on?”

“I was actually hoping you had a minute to talk about some changes I was thinking of making to that third chapter.”

Jane frowned in mild dismay, trying to think how she could get out of this without being completely rude.

“Um, yeah, I’m sorry, Arthur. I was just on my way out the door to a…to an appointment. Could we do it another time?”

“Yeah, sure,” he assured her, and then his voice changed. “Hey, are you okay? You sound kind of bothered or upset.”

“No, just distracted,” she sighed, shifting impatiently from foot to foot as she glanced at the clock. “And I’m actually running kind of late, so…”

“Okay, well I’ll let you go,” he replied. “Maybe we can meet later this week to discuss the changes?”

“Sure,” she replied distractedly, her mind elsewhere, only focusing on trying to get off the phone.

She hung up, slamming the phone down hastily. Grabbing her coat off the back of her chair, she was able to duck out of the office without drawing too much attention to her departure. Once she emerged from the elevators into the main lobby, she broke free of the crowd to begin to run as best as she could in her heels, frantically trying to flag down a taxicab when she burst out onto the sidewalk.

Extraordinarily enough for this time of day, one pulled over almost immediately, and she called out the address of Lily’s school as she hopped into the back seat.

She released a breath of tentative relief, hoping that now she’d at least be there to see them finish up, as the parade was only going to travel the length of the block and back. She already felt bad enough for forgetting about Lily’s costume, so Rob had to help her with it instead. She didn’t think she could live with herself if she missed the parade, too. She had broken enough promises to both of them.

The one promise she made to herself when Lily was born was to never let her children experience that kind of disappointment or to feel let down in the ways Jane had been let down in her life. Before her children were even anything other than inhabitants of her imagination, barely-formed hopes and fears, Jane had known beyond all else what kind of parent she would strive not to be.

Suddenly, the cab driver was muttering something unintelligible under his breath, and the cab slowed to a complete stop.

“What is it?” Jane sat forward anxiously, as she knew there was no traffic light up ahead on this street.

“Truck up there,” the cab driver nodded his head towards the traffic now backed up in front of them, speaking only in truncated sentences. “Probably didn’t judge the corner right. Took it too wide. Might be stuck here.”

“Stuck?” Jane’s eyes widened with panic and dread. “How long?”

“Long as it takes.”

She sat back to dig through her bag, pulling out some bills and shoving them through the small slot in the Plexiglas window dividing their seats.

“Thanks,” she reached for the door handle, “I’m getting out here.”

Stepping up onto the sidewalk, she needed a moment to acclimate to her surroundings, and then started off in the general direction of the school.

She didn’t know how many blocks she’d run, shoes cutting into her feet, her lungs compressing to the point she was painfully gasping for breath by the time she turned the corner to see Lily’s school in the distance. Then she spied the large crowd mingling out in front of the building, right inside the fenced-in courtyard.

Her eyes were already bleary from the wind, but real tears began to cloud her vision as she approached and noticed some of the parents were starting to wander out, leaving the school grounds with their respective children as they offered smiles and hugs of praise. Her stomach sank to realize the parade was already over.

She slowed to a walk, spotting Jake’s stroller inside the fence, and began to ease her way through the people moving in the opposite direction, smiling sadly as she finally caught a glimpse of her son. His round cheek was mashed to the side of the stroller, deep in baby dreamland, and he was snuggled soundly in a one-piece costume that made him look like a furry little dog. Then she saw Lily, in pigtails and gingham and red sparkly shoes, her head bowed as Rob crouched down in front of her to zip up her jacket.

Dorothy and Toto had been all his idea, one that he had to come up with at the last minute. Jane knew he was probably still irritated with her.

She got a few steps closer, needing to wait for another group of parents to move out of her way before she could reach them. That’s when she saw the shadow of disappointment in the little girl’s blue eyes, her small voice full of sadness and something else that sounded almost like disbelief.

“But she said she would be here.”

“I know, sweetie,” Rob was saying as he fumbled with her zipper, which had a tendency to stick. “But sometimes things happen at work, things go wrong or an emergency comes up, and it’s your responsibility to stay there, to deal with it. That’s what having a grown up job is all about.”

Lily, however, appeared to be on the verge of tears.

“She didn’t even see my costume.”

“I know, but she will,” Rob assured her again, sitting back a little as he finished zipping her up, “And I know you wish she could be here when she can’t, and that sometimes makes you mad, but you’re pretty lucky to have her for a Mom, you know that?”

“No,” Lily shook her head, her sorrow replaced by something that sounded more like anger, “I’m not.”

Jane felt her words like a small stab to the heart. Right in that tender spot only your own child, borne from that heart, could hit.

“Hey, hey…” Jane could hear the frown in Rob’s voice even without seeing his face, saw him then crouch down even closer to Lily so that he had direct eye contact with her. “I don’t want to hear talk like that, okay?”

He paused, letting out a sigh as he rested a comforting hand on her little shoulder.

“Listen to me, LilyBug,” he began in a serious, steady voice, “If you grow up to be only half as smart and kind and beautiful as your Mommy, well, then…”

His words seemed to trail off and he hesitated, his tone softening once he continued, so that Jane had to strain to hear.

“Well, then you’re still going to be twice as smart and kind and beautiful as anyone Daddy knows. We’re all pretty lucky to have her, and we should remember that every day, okay?”

Jane dropped her head, her eyes filling with tears all over again.

That’s when Lily finally glanced up past Rob’s shoulder to see her standing there in the crowd and her face brightened.

“Mommy!”

“Hey, honey,” she stepped forward through the people, her voice slightly breathless, trying to blink the tears away and compose herself to make it seem like she just arrived at that very moment.

“You missed it. You missed my parade.”

“I know,” Jane leaned down to her level, reaching out to stroke her dark hair, “I’m so sorry. I really tried. I ran all the way from my office.”

Rob moved to stand, glancing at her with a quiet, almost wary, greeting. Their conversation last night had turned into an argument which escalated into a nasty fight. It was part of the reason she hadn’t been able to sleep.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Jane held his gaze through watery eyes as she straightened to stand as well.

“I got to be at the front of the line and carry one of the flags and everything,” Lily continued.

“Wow,” Jane smiled down at her sadly, “that’s great. I really wish I could have been here.”

“Well, Daddy said he would take us all out to lunch.”

Jane looked over at him, but his attention was on Lily as he shrugged, “I think Mommy might have to go back to work.”

“Um, unfortunately, yeah.” She glanced at her wristwatch, her empty stomach rumbling at the thought of the food for which she had no time. “I’ve already used up my lunch hour. But you guys go have fun.” She offered Lily a somewhat hopeful smile. “And be good for Daddy in the restaurant, okay?”

“Okay,” Lily replied shortly before gazing up at Rob, her small voice pleading with him, “Can I push Jake’s stroller? I’m big enough.”

“Yeah.” Rob gave her a nod of his head. “Just go slow.”

“I’ll see you later, sweetie,” Jane called after her anxiously, still feeling the weight of parental guilt.

“Bye.” Lily only gave her a quick wave before she moved to get the stroller.

Jane watched her begin to wheel it carefully across the courtyard before she glanced back at Rob, noticing that he was studying her with a mildly dubious frown, his blue eyes filled with hesitant concern.

“Look,” she sighed in resignation, “I’m sor-”

But before she could get the words out, he shook his head to stop her apology.

“I know. It’s okay.”

He lifted his hand then to tenderly touch her cheek, sweeping away a tear that managed to leak at that moment with the pad of his thumb.

“But,” he reassured her, his voice lowering gently with a faintly teasing smile as he brushed her hair back behind her ear, “You know she always gets over it.”

“Yeah,” Jane managed a weepy smile, “She’s good like that, huh?”

She dropped her head then, sniffing back her tears to admit with a trembling sigh, “I was just – I was having a bad day.”

His hand lingered in her hair, playing with it as he ran his fingers lightly through the silky strands, and his eyes softened as his voice took on more intimacy.

“Yeah, it happens,” he shrugged. “But soon it’ll be over, and then you’ll be home, right?”

Emotion inexplicably welled up in Jane’s throat again, but she took a silent, shaky breath to compose herself, only nodding her head in agreement.

He slid his hand down and around to the small of her back then, gently easing her into his arms, holding her close to his body as he pressed a kiss to her forehead, whispering, “Are we still…”

“Yeah,” Jane closed her eyes, grasping the front of his jacket in her hands as she leaned against him. “We’re good.”

They stood together like that for a moment, and then he reluctantly broke away, dropping one last soft kiss on her cheek before following after Lily, who was beginning to veer dangerously off course with Jake.

“Okay, I’ll see ya.”

“See ya.”

Meeting his gaze with another smile as he moved through the people still mingling in the school courtyard, she discreetly reached up to rub at the corner of her eye.

She watched him then jog to catch up with Lily, helping her steer the stroller away from traffic and redirect her aim to the sidewalk, and Jane lingered there a moment as the three of them walked away. Finally, she turned to hurry back uptown to her office, having only about fifteen minutes in which to make the return trip.

All day, every day, her time was measured in minutes. But her life was measured only in moments.