The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives

Paula had called me earlier that day asking, no, begging me to go to the mall with her and the others. I had conceded, if only to end the barrage of accusations such as "hermit" and "recluse".

So I had dragged myself out of bed and dressed in denim and pink. I walked to Anna's house, dragging my feet to raise clouds of dust atop the asphalt. Anna's mom drove us to the bus stop. Paula and Louise were already there. Lily pulled up just before the bus came.

We were assembled. My bus fare clanged in the toll box like a homage to our dead ice cream man. It was like a homage to the summers we had spent running barefoot in the sun, not jailed in the half-heads of manikins.

The bus dropped us off on Mallard Street. It was dark, and even the sparkling reflection of ice and snow could break through the gritty aura that encompassed the street. Green shards of beer bottle stuck out in the snow, and the man on the corner was giving out plastic fetuses. He held a sign that said PRO-LIFE.

I was relieved when we turned the corner to reach Gala square. And at the center of Gala square stood the mall glittering against the azure sky, like a tower of teenage bones. I hadn't been there in a long time, and the doors swung open like a mouth.

I was in the belly of the beast.

"Food court." said Louise, and we all nodded. I had been ignoring the rumble of my tummy all day, but now it was turning into a full fledged bear growl. There was always highly fattening and pimple inducing foods at the food court. So we went up the escalator, through the rows of aberzombie and bitch.

I had always thought that it was hard to surprise me, but who was waiting for us at the entrance of the food court took me completely by surprise.

It was Matt. Matt who I admired, hated, laughed at and with, cried over, heard about ad nauseam, discussed Kant with, and acted along side in every school play. Matt who I competed against in everything. Matt who had showed up at my grandmothers funeral with flowers and tried to cheer me up. Matt with his strong arms and deep voice. Matt who I had known since 6th grade.

"Matt?" I asked, a flat note of incredulity in my voice.
"Kate." he greeted.
"Food." intoned Louise, in the animalistic calling of a pre-menstrual girl facing cravings.

I nodded my head, and moved to the other side of the group to avoid the possessive glares I was sure to get from Paula, who had wanted to jump Matt from the first day of their acquaintance. They chattered, but I feel silent, letting their loud voices diminish until they nothing but the aggravating buzz of a bee.

After we had all eaten our food, Louise: a chocolate peanut butter smoothie, Anna: pepperoni pizza, Lily and Paula: cajun chicken, and Matt and I: Thai food, Louise announced an emergency Victoria's Secret run. A somewhat panicked look flashed on Matt's face.

"You and Kate can stay here." Anna informed him, before they rushed off.

I pushed the fried rice on my plate nervously from one side to the other, until my nervous tendencies had waves of carrots and peas swaying across my plate. I finally looked at my watch.

"I should be going, the next bus comes in 10 minutes." I mumbled, pulling my elegant black coat and vera bradley purse off of the back of my stoplight red chair.
"No, stay." Matt insisted.
"Why?" I asked him, my eyes challenging him.
"We need to talk." he asserted, grabbing my wrist.
"Fine." I resigned, sitting back down and setting my stuff across the cracking faux marble table.
"I like you." he said, looking at me earnestly.
"Well your very nice, and if that's all I'll be going." I said, reaching for my effects again.
"No, that's not all. I like you as more than a friend." he said, pulling my purse and coat out of my reach.
"It wouldn't work." I told him, exasperatedly trying to grab my stuff from him.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I just couldn't do that to-" I began heatedly.
"Paula? What does it matter about Paula?"
"She's my friend. It wouldn't be fair to her."
"But what would be fair to you?"
"What does it matter?"
"You need to do what's right for yourself, Kate."
"I can't have a boyfriend right now."
"But I love you."
"Lovers are fools."
"So are humans."

I looked hard at him, and then sighed. He grabbed my hand, and we stared at each other. Impulsively, and I was an impulsive person, I leaned in, my eyes challenging him to take the next step.

And him, never one to back away from a challenge, happily obliged. We got a few whoops from a table of preteens, and a few glares from some of the adults, but to me that didn't matter. What did matter was that I had just broken Paula's heart.

I pulled away from him.

"That meant nothing." I choked, noting the hurt in his eyes.
"But you don't mean nothing. You mean everything to me!" he protested.
"What are you on about?" I asked exasperatedly.
"You. Ever since I met you, I knew you were different. You were quieter, but cynical, and when you smiled it was a true smile. You were authentic. You didn't care for- what'd you call it? Aberzombie-" he began desperately, still holding tightly to my hand.
"And bitch." I finished for him.
"Or goingpostal." he supplied.
"But I'm just not right for you. I mean, Paula-" I protested.
"Forget Paula for a moment." he said, before leaning in to kiss me again. This time it was him who pulled away.
"You can't tell me that meant nothing." he insisted.
"Sure I can." I said, trying to keep my voice nonchalant.
"Then, just give me a try." he cried.
"I'm not a masochist." I inserted.
"Don't think about them! They don't matter! I came here for you, and I'm not leaving until I have you." he said passionately.

We had been arguing so intensely that we hadn't noted the return of the others, laden with bags plastered with monochromatic Tyras and Giselles.

The Blondes, Louise and Lily were staring at Matt and I. We had always fought, but I had claimed nothing but dispassion and indifference for the wheat haired sapphire eyed boy.

The Brunette, Anna, was peering and Matt and I with intense interest. She was obviously trying to work out a plausible situation that would have led to Matt and I standing nose to nose.

The Black Haired Beauty, Paula, was looking at Matt wistfully, and at I mistrustfully. I could see the fear in her eyes.

"What's going on?" Paula asked.
"I love Kate, and I'm trying to prove it to her." Matt said cooly.
"Is that some sort of joke? Cause it's not funny." she said.
"I'm not joking." he replied.
"He's not joking." Anna affirmed.
"What do you mean?" Paula whirled around to face Anna.
"I mean I brought him here to talk to Kate. I convinced you to convince Kate so she would talk to him." she said.

Paula spluttered indignantly.

"Give it up." said Louise softly, "Look at them, they're in love."
"So am I!" Paula said stubbornly.
"I know," asserted Lily, "But don't stand in the way of their happiness."

What was happiness? I wondered. Was it an intrinsic good, like I had been taught by that grad student in 7th grade? Was it the most good for the most people? Or was it was right for me?

I had spent too much of my life measuring my happiness by how others felt. And with this I kissed Matt, knowing full well what I was doing.

Paula and the others be damned, my heart was swelling.