NOT TODAY

NOT TODAY
I can not face the world today. My ability to hold my head high and paint on a smile has weakened. I can not carry out the facade today. I'm just too tired to pretend.
I'd much rather sit here, alone wallowing in self pity; reminding myself of how retched I am. I am pointing out to myself every negative memory, thought, and feeling to further heighten my darkness.
I haven't got the strength or desire to go out into the world. Someone might see me. I don't want to be seen, heard, or even noticed because if I am I will have to find a way to respond.
Not today. I just can't today. I haven't got the strength or ability to fake my smiles, to pretend I hear when I hear nothing, to look interested when I don't even know what they are saying. I can't pay close enough attention to understand or even grasp their words.
My mind is adrift - floating without direction in a sea of total darkness. I can not anchor it long enough to hear anyone, to feel anything, to grasp a conscious thought.
My life feels flat - lacking any brightness or color. Black, White, and shadows. That's all that there is. I don't feel happy or sad. I don't feel at all. I just exist somewhere between sorrow and tears.
Sometimes it just plain hurts. Hurts to be alive. Sometime I wish that I could reach out and grab the shadows, pulling them close, surrounding myself in the safety of their darkness. Not having to face the world today or any other day.
Just sit back, alone in the darkness until death rescues me. I wait but it never comes. I'm forced to face the world day after day pretending that i belong. That I am part of something that I can not feel. Something I can not connect to or enjoy ---LIFE---
But someday peace will come. No more pain, No more sorrow, No more tears.