The Three Stooges - Jerks of All Trades

Title Card: The Three Stooges

- Upbeat carnival music and cherring -

Announcer: Ha, ha, ha. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's The Three Stooges. For mirth and madness.
Moe: I'm Moe.
Announcer: Simple and screwy.
Shemp: I'm Shemp.
Announcer: Looney and ludacris.
Larry: I'm Larry.
Announcer: Yes. The Three Stooges are fine gentlemen. When comes to business, they're prize monkeys in this dry monkey business. And tonight, it's interior decorating.

The music continues in the back ground as the camera pans down a glass door with writing covering everything the Stooges can do, and all of it spelled wrong.

Inside, Moe is working on something.
Moe: Hey, egghead! I'm ready to dictate!
After a second, Larry appears, looking very joyful, like a flirting secretary.
Larry: Yes, sir?
Moe:(He smacks Larry, forcing him off the table.) Get away from here. What's the matter with you!? Are you an idiot? An imbicel? A moron? (Larry laughs a bit.) What are you laughing at?
Larry: Eight to five, I'm in there someplace.
Moe: (He smacks Larry again, this time, grabbing a fistful of hair.) C'mon. Get over there and straighten up the files. (Now refering to Shemp.) Hey broclli-head! Come here. Do you think you can take a letter?
Shemp: I don't think I know.
Moe: I don't think you know either but go ahead. (There is a brief pause.) "Dear, Sir," (Suddenly, Shemp starts typing out about 25 characters onto the letter.) What do you got so far?
Shemp: How do you spell "Sir"? (Moe thrusts his middle and index finger into Shemp's eyes.)
Moe: In your case, C-U-R. Continue. (Shemp types as Moe talks.) "We are recipt of your letter of the 16th and reply..." (Shemp tries to adjust the typewriter, but sends the entire roller into Moe's cranium with a clunk.) OHW! (Moe covers his head then yanks Shemp up by his hair.) Remind me to send your head to the cleaners with the rest of the flatwork! (He slaps Shemp.) Get outta.
Shemp: Ah. I'll fill it with ink. That's what I'll do.
(Suddenly, there is knocking at the door. Shemp looks up, the ink jar in his hand.)
Moe: (Singing in rising tone) Come iiiiin!
Larry: (Same as Moe) Come iiiiin!
Shemp: (Same as Larry) Come iiiiin!
(In steps Emil Sitka, aka Pennyfeather, dressed in a suit and tie.)
Pennyfeather: Pardon me, gentlemen.
Moe: (He looks behind himself, them back at Pennyfeather.) Oh! Yes?
Pennyfeather: I'm Mr. Pennyfeather. Are you gentlemen painters and paper-hangers?
Larry: Are we painters and paper-hangers?
Moe: Are we painters and paper-hangers?
Shemp: Are we?
(Moe stamps on his foot, causing Shemp to splash the ink well he was holding onto Pennyfeather's suit.)
Pennyfeather: Why you clumsy fools!
Moe: Oh, we're so sorry.
Pennyfeather: My clothes are full of ink!
Moe; Oh, we'll fix that in a jiffy. Larry! (He runs off. Moe then grabs a brush and begins brushing of Pennyfeather, only to spread the ink.) Take it easy, that a nice way to cab-a-dini.
Pennyfeather: Be careful with it.
Larry: Alright, standby. (Larry then tosses a whole jug of white liquid onto Pennyfeather.)
Pennyfeather: What is that?
Larry: Ink Remover.
Pennyfeather: Ink Remo... But look at this!
Moe: Aw, we'll have that off in a jiffy. You don't need that pocket anyhow. (To Shemp.) Go ahead.
Shemp: Why certainly. (He rips a piece of the suit clean off and tosses it aside.)
Pennyfeather: My best suit! And look at my shirt!
(Shemp and Moe lock eyes, noding to each other before Shemp tears the front of Pennyfeather's shirt off. He follows with a slap to Shemp's face as he turns back around.)
Moe: (Shoves Shemp aside.) Now, wait a minute, Nicklefeather.
Pennyfeather: Pennyfeather!
Moe: Do you realize you just struck one of the toughest men from the state of... (The Stooges clap the "Here in the Heart of Texas" chorus.)...Texas! (He looks back at Shemp, then shoves him forward. ) Go ahead, tell 'em, Tex.
Shemp: (Acting like a cowboy.) Now, lookie here, neighbor... (Pennyfeather slaps him again, ruffling his hair.)
Moe: (Shoves Shemp aside again.) Now, wait a minute there, Nicklefeather.
Pennyfeather: (With his hands now on his hips.) PENNYFEATHER!
Moe: You have again sullied the fair name of the state of...(They clap the chorus again.)...Texas. (Back at Shemp again.) Order him off the premises!
Shemp: (Acting tough) You heard what I told you bef...(He is stopped by a slap again.)
Moe: Hut! (With those words, Shemp head-butts Pennyfeather. As he doubles up, Larry grabs the back of his shirt, throws it over his head, spins him around and Shemp kicks Pennyfeather out. As he crashes into some unknown objects outside, the audience claps and Larry closes the door.)
Larry: A Bull's-Eye! (He shakes Shemp's hand.)