The Satirical Giver

"Katie, guess who's visiting for the holidays?"

"Who?"

"Cousin Edward! I was talking with your Aunt Margaret and she mentioned that he will be in D.C. on business around the holidays. I asked her to relay an invitation to him to visit on Christmas, and he called me up this morning and accepted. He'll take the morning train up Christmas Day and I'll have Mark go pick him up at the station. Isn't that great?! Its been 4 years since we saw him last."

Elizabeth presented one of her beaming smiles, which was quite a usual expression for her. She was the affable grandmom. Not a Norman Rockwell grandma, but successfully presenting her positive face to the world more often than not. At age 64 she was enjoying retirement, and always welcomed a visiting relative. Edward happened to be one of her particular favorites.

Her daughter Katie's response to her enthusiastic news was an exaggerated gleeful smile as she chopped vegetables on an oak cutting board.

"Katie, what?! What's that look for? You enjoy Edward's visits don't you?"

"Yeah, sure mom. I love being the butt of his jokes. We all love amusing Edward," Katie replied, and then squinted down at her recipe card. She opened the spice cupboard, pulling out a plastic container of cinnamon. The recipe was supposed to call for cumin.

Katie reached up to push a fallen strand of her reddish-brown hair that had come loose, while exhaling a breath of forceful air.

"Oh Katie, you blow things out of proportion. So Howard has a sense of humor. You wouldn't be the worse, laughing at life more yourself." Laughter was not high on Katie's priorities. Her six year old daughter Susie was, along with Katie's marriage, now in its eleventh year, and her hobby of cooking- in that order. Although cooking was argued by some to occasionally compete for first place.

"It's easy to laugh at life when laughing at others. And easy for you to tell me to laugh. Howard loves you," Katie asserted, emphasizing the last two words. "You've never been on the receiving end." Katie pushed the vegetables into an expensive blender using a spatula and shut the lid, flicking it on high.

Elizabeth waited several seconds, taking the opportunity to enjoy sipping her Mint Delight coffee. "So he gave Sarah a snowflake shaped Christmas card one time. Your sister is a little flaky. We all know it." At thirty one, Sarah was pursuing a degree in marketing at a small college near Norfolk VA,an hour due south of Katie's Virginia residence. If one might argue that a marketing degree does not seem flaky, one would have to consider what Sarah planned to do with it. [?] After switching majors from veterinary studies to natural healing, she decided to pursue marketing as her newest major, and start her own business healing pets with crystal therapy.

"What about Aunt Thelma back in '92? He gave her a reference book on bats. Remember mom?"

"Hee!" Elizabeth let out a sudden chuckle, suddenly remembering. "Well Katie, is it much better for you all to joke about her being batty six feet out of her ear shot?" she asked, while containing her laughter.

"Yes. Because its out of her ear shot," exclaimed Katie enunciating the last half. "Its more tactful if someone does not hear you saying it to their face, than to basically tell you through pictures that you're a cranky old bat." She poured the blender's liquid mixture into a small six inch diameter maroon ceramic bowl. Maroon was her color scheme in this kitchen, when she could squeeze past her husband Mark a purchase of something maroon, being as it was usually expensive for some reason.[?]

Elizabeth chuckled again at this last remark, this time having a mouth full of coffee. She nearly did a spit take and had to take a few seconds to swallow it down safely.

"Good morning ladies." Mark strolled into the kitchen, stepping up to Katie to give her a peck on the cheek. He was a brawny type. Looming over her five foot seven inch height, he almost doubled her in weight. He had been a star player on his high school football team as a guard, and now worked as a salesman in a [?]Lincoln/Dodge/Mercury car dealership.

"Mark, cousin Edward's coming for Christmas. Isn't that great?" Elizabeth inquired of her son-in-law, seeking an enthusiastic reply.

Mark had to consider that. "What's it been? three, four years since last time?" Mark said, with slight effort at asking casually.

"Yeah," Elizabeth answered. "You enjoy Edward's visits, don't you, Mark?"

"Yeah sure. Why wouldn't I?" he asked, as he stood behind Katie and slipped his arm around her belly, reaching for a carrot stick with the other hand. He scooped up some dip, dripping on the counter and floor. Katie wiped patiently.

"There you go Katie," Elizabeth remarked triumphantly. Mark withdrew his attention from the subject for a second, wondering suddenly about the odd taste combination of vinegar and cinnamon. As Katie stood up to address him, he quickly snapped his expression back to "Yes Dear" all smiles.

"Oh come on, Mark. You remember that cookbook ten years ago? Recipes for french toast, iced tea with a Tex-Mex touch,--Jello!? A gift for us both he decided, since cooking might be moresuited for you than golf.

Elizabeth had turned so her daughter would not see her struggling to fight a giggle at the mention of french toast and Jello recipes. "How is your golfing going, Mark? Have you improved?"

"I have improved, yes. I was still a novice when Ed was last here. I'm going to have to take him out on the course and make him eat his words this time. Just 2 weeks ago I won twenty dollars beating Jack Lindsay and Andy Cooper." Mark smiled directly at Katie and winked.

"You bet them?" Elizabeth asked, a little surprised at hearing Mark potentially parting with twenty dollars.

"Yup."

"That's great honey," Katie remarked, trying to remember if Jack and Andy were the klutz and the guy mooching free rent, living above his parents at 35.

"Hey by the way, Mark, we need to take Susie shopping. Its been almost a year since we last went, and her clothes are getting tight on her."

"We don't need to get her brand new clothes". Mark rebutted. "You can call Jessica for more hand-me-downs of Emily's."

"Mark, Emily has gotten fat! We can't use her anymore for hand-me-downs. Remember? Her clothes now hang too loose on Susie".......

Katie and Mark continued in discussion about Susie and finances in general, while Elizabeth sipped the remainder of her Mint Delight coffee, thinking fondly about a pleasant holiday with her family, accompanied by the added delight of one of her favorite relatives.

----

"Mommy, Daddy just pulled in. Who's that man he's with?" asks Susie looking out the living room window at the driveway. Barbie has been interrupted from getting situated in her Malibu beach house. Susie wonders if this new stranger brings more gifts for her. [?] Will Barbie be replaced by her nemesis Christie, living down the beach, who is also seeing Ken?

"That's your cousin. Cousin Edward. Your Grandma Elizabeth's sister's son. You met him once when you were about two."

"He brought gifts, mommy," Susie shouts, seeing the car trunk close and the man proceeding up to the house carrying a bundle of gifts. She scampers to the front door.

Katie doesn't reply. She is busy setting the table, now placing her mother's sterling silverware on either side of China plates patterned around the rim with red reindeer adorned in gold harnesses and set in background of green holly leaves. She suddenly remembers to check on the turkey and enters the kitchen, just beyond the living room. She doesn't want it to overcook or get dry, giving Edward any ammo for his jokes.

Susie opens the front door. Perfect timing. "Thanks pumpkin," her father replies, walking in and opening the hall closet to his left to hang up his coat. "How's my Susie?"

"Good Daddy," she answers, and continues watching the gifts, thinking about what might be in them for her.

Behind him, Edward follows with the gifts. He holds a long rectangular package with gold snowflake wrapping paper and bow atop, a cube shaped box 2 feet each way in length, wrapped in tin soldier paper and curly ribbon atop that, and next to it a somewhat flat present in wrapping paper with Christmas cookies pictured. Above these are two small gifts the size of one's hand, one longer in length. The smaller is wrapped in plain green metallic foil and the other is wrapped in paper decorated in candy canes.

Mark offers to take the gifts so Edward can take off his coat. He sets the gifts under the tree just in front of the kitchen entrance and returns to take Edward's coat and hang it up. Though a modest home, it is comfortable. Two bedrooms and a bathroom and attic are upstairs. Here on ground level are this entrance hallway and living room, kitchen, and small porch beyond. A basement and bathroom are below. Today, even Mark takes a couple seconds to appreciate the scenery, somewhat cleaner than most days, 20% more straightened up, excepting of course Susie's new toys scattered around. Here, the small entrance hallway gives view of a nicely kept up living room, currently accentuated with the tree, a seven foot tree, courtesy of nature.

It is somewhat traditional looking. It stands about 7 feet high, wrapped in silver garland, and decorated with red and gold ball ornaments, and various other specialty ornaments: rocking chairs, Santas, reindeer, and such. And it is tastefully decorated too, not over cluttered with ornaments. This is accomplished by Katie letting Susie hang ornaments somewhat at will, and then re-shifting a few, later when Susie goes to bed, pulling off a few generic ball ornaments which Susie would not notice missing.

"Have a seat, Ed," Mark invites. "Katie is cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Elizabeth and Sarah should be around here somewhere."

Katie steps into the room from the kitchen and walks over to Edward. She gives him the customary hug and inquires of his trip and things in general.

Edward fills her in. He is staying at a Holiday Inn, in D.C. for 10 days. It is comfortable and amenable enough. He is there scouting locations for stores farther north in the D.C. suburbs of northern Virginia and southern Maryland. He is enjoying his work, is in a comfortable relationship, not yet too serious. Etc..Etc..

As Edward fills Katie in on his life, footsteps can be heard climbing up from the basement. The basement door opens and Sarah and Elizabeth are heard in conversation.

"5 months? And you haven't MET him yet?!" Elizabeth is saying.

"So? Online dating has its advantages. Oh, Edward!" Sarah says as she and her mother enter the room and are suddenly aware of him. "We didn't know you had arrived. How's life?"

"Good. And you?" She is back to the Leather Tuscadero hairdo. [?] A "Happy Days" character. Feathered bangs, shoulder length in back, falling somewhat pointy to her shoulders. Her personality is not Leather's though; she smiles much more. She looks quite like her though, even having the same streaked coloring of slight blond and light brown.

"Couldn't be better. Edward, have you done online dating?"

"No, I haven't." This should be interesting.

"Would you give a stranger you've never met, directions to your home?" Elizabeth cuts in louder over Sarah's next would-be question,sternly shooting Sarah an exasperated look.

"No Aunt.."

"Mom," Sarah now does the interrupting, "Red is not a stranger." I have gotten to know him and trust my judgement inviting him for dinner."

"Well, meet him to have dinner. But at a PUBLIC RESTAURANT. So, he's 36, 5'11", owns a condo in Virginia Beach, and has a pet golden retriever? Where does he work?"

"I TOLD you, he works for the state government in purchasing."

"That's very vague Sarah. Where is his work place EXACTLY? And why isn't he working out of Richmond if he is purchasing for the state? Red Grant. That may be easy enough to look up in the MVA records."

"Red Grant?" Edward quietly asks.

"Yeah. Do you know him?" Sarah asks, a little surprised.

"No. That's just an interesting name. It almost sounds like a movie star's." Or a character from James Bond, Edward thinks, while recollecting "From Russia With Love". Sarah's boyfriend probably fancies himself a secret agent, while purchasing fax machines and copy paper for the state, if that is truly what he does.

"Just be careful," Edward cautions, ending his involvement in a matter he can not help much more in, knowing his willful cousin.

"Grandma, can we open the presents now," Susie asks, tugging on her skirt. This talk about Aunt Sarah's boyfriend is boring her.

"Well, I don't see why not. Since Edward is our special guest, why don't you go and pick out his gift. Let's see what your cousin Edward got for you." "Sarah....." Elizabeth finishes, while Susie approaches the tree.

She picks through the pile of Edward's gifts. She sees that the cube shaped box has a tag that says "from Edward to Susie".

She starts tearing into the wrapping paper as her mother Katie looks, wondering if Edward would actually have fun at a six year-old's expense. Mark looks interestedly, and Sarah awaits the outcome excitedly, trying to ignore her mother, as Elizabeth quickly finishes her last words to her. Wasted on deaf ear anyways, Elizabeth now focuses her attention on her granddaughter having fun. The tin soldier wrapping paper is yanked off and Susie opens the box inside. She pulls out a Raggedy Anne doll.

"Oh, Raggedy Anne! Thanks cousin Edward! She starts to play with the doll untying laces and strings. "Mark, we need to get Susie clothes, Katie mumbles to Mark, getting irritated already with Edward's fun which she knows is behind this gift."

"Mark, this small one's for you," Edward prompts, walking over to the tree and returning, to hand Mark the small gift wrapped in green metalic foil.

"Thanks Ed." Mark proceeds to tear open the foil, wondering what is in store for him. He opens the box inside. It is a gold money clip in the shape of a dollar sign. He realizes he is being labeled stingy and he becomes a little self-conscious. He suddenly registers now the joke of Susie's gift, which Katie picked up on faster, and makes a mental note to take Susie shopping next weekend as his wife has been nagging him to do.

"Katie, open yours," Sarah eagerly encourages her sister.
All right, let's see what cousin Edward got me this year," answers Katie briskly, striding to the tree and picking through the remaining three gifts for hers. She picks out the flat gift with the Christmas cookie wrapping paper. She brings it over to the coffee table and sits down on the couch to open it. She snaps the taped sections off and pulls back the wrapping.

"Oh, 'In a Snap Cooking Recipes and Tips'" she reads with an edge of sarcasm at Edward's joking, holding up the book as proof to the others that she is not making this up; Edward is blatantly AGAIN calling her a crappy cook. "Thank you Edward," she continues in her brisk tone. She sets the book down and goes in to check on her turkey.

Elizabeth makes an effort to quell a natural tendency to laugh at her daughter, and display a sense of compassion for her feelings. Katie can not see her own humor. She is quite comical in her pursuit to sway others to share opinion of Edward as more the troublemaker than any consider him. She lets Katie settle down in the kitchen and focuses again on the gift giving.

Sarah is at the tree, stooping down to see which is hers. She picks up the long rectangular present with the gold snowflake design wrapping and begins unwrapping it. She gets all the taped spots pulled free and then with a showy gesture, yanks the wrapping off, revealing a leather bound travel edition of the board game "Clue".

"Oh, its Clue," Sarah exclaims, half excited and half wondering why Edward gave her this. She always liked this game, but she is 31 now.

"Its the travel edition," her cousin informs her. You can enjoy it on your annual trips to the retreat. [?]One last chance to have fun before the solemn week of atonement and organic facials." Gotta love Sarah, he thinks. She never picks up on the fact that I am poking fun. And I so enjoy doing it.

"I'd have to have someone to play it with. I wonder if Red likes Clue. I know he likes retreats like I do. Perhaps I'll invite him to come"

[?]"Get a clue," Mark thinks to himself, looking on at his sister-in-law, oblivious to being the butt of a joke. He looks over at Edward who is faintly smiling. Mark shakes his head in slight chuckle behind Sarah's back. Better cooking maybe, but jokes from the guys about her ditziness, Mark considers mentally. That would be how things would be if he had married a Sarah type instead of Katie. At any rate, it is nice to have her around, especially when he knows she considers him her big hunk brother-in-law. And speaking of manhood, Ed WILL be clobbered at golf. He will make sure that they get in a game at the golf course.

"Well, Aunt Elizabeth, we saved the best for last. You're next," Edward says as he walks to the tree, picks up the remaining gift wrapped in candy cane paper, and hands it to his aunt.

She delicately peels back the tape and pulls the paper off setting it on the coffee table to save, noticing the gift inside is a Hershey's chocolate bar with almonds.

"Grandma, a candy bar! Can I have some? Gonna share it?"

"Susie, that's grandma's gift," Mark tells his young daughter, being careful not to let show how cheap he thinks this gift is; then he considers the fact that Ed is a big pot calling his kettle black. He wonders if there is some joke behind this. Elizabeth is usually the only one spared being the brunt of Ed's fun.

"Open the wrapper," Edward tells her, seeing her set it down on the table while thanking him. She picks it back up and opens the wrapper to find a slip of paper. It is a gift certificate to Hershey Theme Park in Pennsylvania.

"Oh Edward, that was really thoughtful of you," she exclaims, as she goes over to Edward and hugs him.

"A sweet day of fun for a sweet aunt," Edward replies, an obvious choice of words that he goes with, truly fond of his aunt anyways.

"Well, I believe the turkey is done," Katie calls from the kitchen, finding this rather gagging to hear. The turkey was done when she went to check on it, but she was going to give them a few minutes to finish the gift opening and thanking. This is as good a time as any to get dinner started, she asserts to herself. She proudly walks in and sets the turkey platter down in the center of the table. "Why don't you all have a seat and we'll continue with the rest of the gifts after dinner."

They all take their seats around the table. Katie brings in side dish platters and bowls of stuffing, sweet potatoes, green beans, and rolls. The turkey looks quite juicy, glistening in the light of the room. Katie mentally checks in her head one last time that she has brought everything out and seats herself along with them all

"Edward will you say Grace for us?" Elizabeth asks. "You're the guest of honor, and I am sure you will do it justice."

Edward is taken by surprise a little. "I assumed Mark was going to do the honors." he replies. "Mark?"

"Go ahead Ed. She's right. You're the guest."

He is quiet several seconds in thought. [?] "Lord, we thank you for this day, to honor Jesus, His birth, and that we are here today enjoying this meal among loved ones. We thank you for blessing us, guiding us to live better with one another and forgiving us when we fall short. We hope you will bless us for many years to come. Amen."

"Edward, that was very nice." Elizabeth remarks.

"Yeah, Edward. That was impressive," says Katie. "Did you come up with that just now, or is that an annual prayer you have familiarized yourself with?" she asks half impressed, half sarcastically.

"That is an annual prayer I have familiarized myself with, hearing my father recite it every year growing up, yes."

Katie nods her head listening. She can't help having some enjoyment at his being shown to be recycling, when he was about to have a moment in the spotlight.

She proceeds to dish out turkey to her family as they request, while everything else gets passed around. They are not terribly formal. They all start to eat at random, as bowls are still being passed around. "Umm." Edward says. "Katie this turkey is really delicious," in a complimenting tone, not however, without a hint of surprise.

"Why thank you Edward," Katie says somewhat pleased. She knows the turkey has succeeded her cooking of previous holidays, by its looks and having sampled some small pieces. Her suspicious side, however, still voices itself. "You sound a little surprised, Edward. Did you expect it NOT to taste good?" giving him a fixed look, awaiting response.

"No, it just tastes even better than previous occasions. It's absolutely delicious."

"Umhumm." says Katie sarcastically but in good humor. She finishes filling her plate belatedly and digs in to her food in good spirits.

Elizabeth smiles at Edward. She remembers her brother-in-law's Christmas prayers well enough to know that it was not quite as Edward recited. Edward either learned this prayer elsewhere or truly did wing it. And he lied to Katie to make her feel better. Edward is not known to do anything of this sort. He usually does enjoy poking fun of everyone as they all say. But Elizabeth is not really surprised seeing this side of him.

They all enjoy their holiday meal and each other's company. Before the center of the turkey is reached however,Elizabeth has to give a warning she dreads giving, that it is undercooked. She does not want anyone to fall ill, even though she does not want to dampen her daughter's moment. And this is after Sarah inquires what the recipe is for the stuffing, as it has an unusual taste. Everyone else has tasted it and does not say anything, including Susie, who is so focused on desert that she doesn't really care.

At any rate, Katie has a night of respite and relaxation for a bit, to return to her irritable ways a few shades less irritable; Sarah is blissful; Mark enjoys a comfortable holiday; and Susie enjoys her desert of pecan pie and ice cream, (both store bought); Elizabeth is happy to have her family present; and Edward is happy that she is happy, and happy to be there with them all.