Testify

         The courtroom grew deadly silent. Ralph swallowed forcibly in his seat. The prosecutors stopped whispering to each other and looked up from their manila folders. One of them checked his watch as if he had somewhere else more important to be. Ralphs’ attorney, Mr. King, slowly wiped his brow with his handkerchief. It was eighty degrees inside the room, even with the overhead fans, no one was immune from the gloomy warmth that enveloped the place and dampened every page of Mr. Kings’ yellow legal pads. The judge had removed his glasses and was wiping them in small circular motions. He wore a sour expression while peering down at us. I reached through the separation banister for his hand. He pulled away from me and then gave me an apologetic look. I understood. He was facing a first degree murder conviction. The sentence was life in prison or death. That was enough to shake the foundation from under even the most solid mans’ feet. Would we make it through this?
         I had stood by him for fifteen years, through the best and the worst our meager lives could offer us, which was mostly the worst. Fittingly, I met Ralph on a dark corner. My drunken father had just knocked me around for the last time. Ralph befriended me and taught me how to work the streets ‘like a lady’, as he called it. We made a great team. I stood by him when all his other girls had left him. They needed more money, they’d said. He’d acted furious, but I could see the hurt in his eyes. So I stayed with him and he kept his promise. He took care of me and looked after me. He always bailed me out when I got arrested, and was never mad. He never hit me, he bought me nice clothes, made sure I was fed, and kept a roof over my head. I brought him new girls I met, who worked for a couple of months and then left. He grew to accept their parting, not as rejection but as a natural part of the game. He told me as long as I kept bringing him the bread, I would always be his number one girl. But the time came when I grew tired of working, and instead of letting me go, he made me his wife. Ralph Bennett was no angel, but he was sure the greatest man I had ever known.
         The sweat was beginning to run down my face. I looked in Ralphs’ eyes and found I could not breathe. I had never seen that in his eyes before. It was defeat. Could I let this happen? We had already decided that Robert was too young for his mother to go to jail. A 10 year old boy with a mother in prison and no father, would become state property. I could not let that happen and Ralph agreed. Even though he was not his natural father, he had always acted so. I loved them both more than I ever thought possible. It was Ralph’s idea to create this façade, to spin this lie and he stuck to it. But it was eating me alive. I felt the truth rise to my lips countless times during the trial, but I swallowed it. It was almost certainly too late for that now. We both faced his fate now, fatally and fully.
         The air hung heavy and thick, teeming with tension. This was the moment. Six months of torture, testimonies, truth and lies were all culminating here in this, our sultry little corner of the world. The door on the far wall opened and the jury filed out. They must have felt our eyes, hot and piercing, on them as they took their seats but they would not meet my gaze, they only stared straight ahead. Then I caught the fleeting glance of the foreman as he rose to answer the judges' call for a verdict. It was searing and unbearable. He knew.
          Everything after that happened in slow motion. The foreman handed the tiny piece of paper to the judge who examined it, nodded satisfactorily and motioned for the foreman to begin to read aloud. No, it would not end this way. I put a hand on the banister that separated us, accused from innocent, and rose, half unaware of what I was doing. My legs trembled under me and I lay my hand on Ralph’s shoulder. He turned to me, alarmed and saw the intent in my eyes. I love you , I mouthed to him. I drew my breath in sharply. The severe sound made the foreman turn in my direction. He was nodding at me. In the instant before I uttered the three words that were to change our lives forever, I saw Ralph shake his head no and reach out his hands to silence me. I saw the prosecutors and the judge notice the commotion and suddenly appear interested. I saw Robert out of the corner of my eye, with that innocent naïve gaze. I would never be able to look in my sons eyes again. No, this was my trial, I had lost . I closed my eyes and screamed,
         “Let me testify!”