"Collage Of MY Thoughts and"

As the sun rose he could see pictures of himself in the water. Reflections of what he should have been. This serial killer of brain cells writing lines for songs that would only create death and destruction. A poet of the twenty first century. Taking medications that exist only on the streets he hated. Oxycontin for the last days of humanity, something to take away the pain that they felt so strongly. Let’s go back to the days when he was alive. Murdering whores to keep himself alive. Rape, sex, drugs, fuck it, everything. You do Oxycontin for the last days of humanity, something to take away the pain that you feel so strongly. Let’s go back to the days when he was alive. Murdering whores to keep himself alive. Rape, sex, drugs, fuck it, everything. You don’t even know. They’ll never know what it’s like to love someone the way he did. To create a world for only you and them. Even if you did, we are all different, all something that he created. God, Jesus, the holy ghost, the liar to destroy all liars, something to keep us in tact. This creator of man, this creator of us and them. He hated the way she left, walked away and said, “ Fuck you, I hate you, I hate you I hate you”. Just imagine the way it felt to touch someone and feel infinity in their eyes. If so then fuck you and fuck him and fuck god. He hated him, the one true thing in this world, the one person who knew himself better than you. Shoot the heroin into you’re vein and forget about love, life, and god damn, I hate you. If this is what is right, then nothing is real, it’s all a lie, it’s all a fucking excuse for living. I hate you fuckers I really fucking hate you. Just leave him alone in his grave praying to nothing, believing in nothing, hoping for nothing but tomorrow “God” took it from him, stole his forever. He would have changed this world and given it another meaning. Who needs a reason to live, just live, give it all you have and die.

He held his head higher than mine and told me that if I didn’t do what he said, he’d kill me. So I listened. I told him that I wasn’t a homosexual and anal sex isn’t my thing. He forced it on me, I promise. His penis slid in me like some sort of, I don’t know, it was painful. He kept saying, “ God I love you”. There is no God and if there is, I hate him for this. When he was through I felt the cum sliding out of me and I cried, tears of joy, of course. I was just glad that he was through. Afterwards he forced it into my mouth and told me to swallow whatever came out, I did. It tasted like complete death with a hint of speed, burnt plastic and alcohol. All I could think about was suicide, having a penis in you’re ass, unwanted at that only makes you wanna’ die. So I asked him to kill me, that way I could go to heaven or rot. Either one would be better than sex or gay sex. I hate homosexuals now. Perverted freaks of nature, with there crystal meth and anal probing. If only they would try straight sex, then maybe they would understand. But whatever, I don’t know what to think. My manliness was just raped and I’m talking in code so they’ll never understand me. Even if I was talking in a language they could understand. They never would. So kill me and fuck me and hate me and rape me I don’t like you and I never will…fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you…My virginity was just a lie. Maybe it never was real, god raped me and took my dreams and hopes. He told me to follow him but he’s a poser, I would never follow him and his bull-shit. I don’t like the way he looks at me, his eyes are poison filled with piss and ants. He keeps saying that I should listen to my heart and love him the same way he loves me. But I can’t listen, my ass hurts and I don’t know what the fuck to think anymore. Maybe I should die, I’m just a failure, this is all my fault, I fucking suck dick. Literally you whores. I found a knife next to the bed and cut his throat, he bled all over me and I loved it. Even in a cell of lies I Loved it. Talking in code. Fuck everyone, die. I don’t like you and I never will. Not as long as you keep fucking me in the ass, you fucking Americans. Die.

She tried so hard to convince me that everything would be okay, if we left. I’ll admit she almost had me for a second, with those eyes and that smile, such great tools for liars. Or maybe I’m the liar, yeah. The life I’ve chose to live over the past three months has been a lie to everyone I loved. My girlfriend and mother, sisters and brothers, even my father. The one and only infamous ass hole. Perhaps where all my wonderful traits came from, cheating and lying, he always was the best. Still is. Now I’m staring at my only friend, the only one who understands me, this god damn computer. Full of my heart and soul. Spewing with my emotions and thoughts and music everything that I’ve given to myself to escape. My heroin. I’m not in love with anyone, I just can’t live without being loved. My biggest fear is to be alone but I’m still trying to figure out how to be alone. Without all of these influences and people that I can’t stand to be around, these morons whose brain’s haven’t graduated from the third grade. And sometimes I wonder if I’m the moron the idiot the guy without a brain. Just to contradict myself of course, I love doing that, trying to prove myself wrong when I still don’t know what’s right. Or if god exists. Or if I exist. I wish that everyone would just let me become who I’m gonna’ become by myself. But I can’t stand to tell them these things because they don’t listen to me. They only listen to their own voices and my voice is pushed aside, for the rest of the world to hum too. A whisper of a nobody. A soon to be suburbia conservative forced into everything I don’t believe in without a choice. I don’t want to live this life if I don’t have my own choice. I don’t even know if I’m typing with any sense right now….and I’m shaking my head and the past sentences. Because I just type and whatever comes out is what I’ve written. Just let my mind float away and keep going with this keyboard. I wonder what it’s like in space. To soar without an end just float and imagine that you’re not on earth or if you’re really there you don’t have to imagine. If I lived anywhere but here I’d be in space, with a real smile and a real life something that’s not near as fucked up as this. I could just go with the flow and let myself float, yeah I wish. And soon enough I’ll be there with the people I really love, the ones I haven’t met but there gonna change me into the man I want to be. The person I know I can be and the person I’m going to be. I almost can’t wait but I will because I’ve waited this long what’s a little longer gonna hurt. It won’t it won’t it won’t it won’t it won’t. time never hurts only heals. Good night my friend, I’ll talk to you soon. And maybe, next time, you’ll talk back to me, for once.

When I woke up, I tried so hard to get her out of my head. But everything is so far away today, my mind is running circles. Remembering her hair and her face and her skin and her dreams that she so willingly let me know, didn’t ask for anything in return. Just me. And I wanted to give her everything, all the things I’d been thinking all the hopes and things I’d forgotten due to forgetfulness and rewritten stories of humor and sex, or humorous sex. I thought that maybe she was pregnant but I’m so glad she wasn’t, I guess now I have no reason to run from here with anyone but myself and my heart. Dead and gone and fucked up I can’t live without her I don’t want to I can’t….jfdl;sjafkld;jsaxanax.. why can’t I jyust type and everything make sense I hate.

And this world is going down the drain, full of republican hypocrite ass holes. You can all suck my dick. And if you don’t like the way I write then fuck you, I’ve never been more fearless in my life and I hate this fucking society. With there prescription drugs and child molesters. Why weren’t you there when I was being abused and fucked. Why weren’t you there when I needed someone, instead of ignoring it. You think I’m just joking but I’m not. This is what I’m feeling and it really did happen you fucking ass holes, I’m gonna kill every one of you. You ignorant bastards just fucking die fucking die fucking die. I won’t hand myself over without a bullet hole in you’re face. Fuck you.

Fuck you I’m god I created all of you and you’re parents fuck you.


One more hit, one more line, that’s all I need and I’m done. I promise.


Tomorrow is one day closer to the end.

When I meet this jesus fellow I’m gonna blow out his fucking brains. Let’s see if there is a second coming when the antichrist shows up. Ha, good luck ass hole lickers. I’m an alcoholic. Fuck god.

Remember the days when we used to argue over who would die first? Well, tonights my night and your a little behind.

His eyes opened followed by the dread of today. His mind throwing questions back and forth, tearing him apart without a reason. Every day since had been nothing but a nightmare. That familiar feel of loss had become his only feeling. The only thing that registered in his once loving mind, his once loved mind. All the love he once had for her, now turned to hate and depression. The bedroom surrounding him, nothing but walls, white walls and a window. Every morning before work, he'd stand and admire everyone's happiness, everyone's holiness. They all have something to hold on to, something to pull them away from such pain. All the anti-depressants in the world couldn't help, not even a little. He'd allowed his life to become a huge sinking ship, nothing about it positve, nothing about it helpful. His mother used to tell him how girls would hurt him but he never listened to anyone who was trying to help. He only listened to what he wanted. His feet falling from the bed, setting down on a small black diary. No one had read it since her, not even him. All the happiness he'd once felt, all the inspiration, every bit of it was wrapped in black leather. Now stained with blood from his last attempt, his last cry for help. Everyone told him that she was only curious, that she didn't mean to hurt him. But he'd convinced himself that she did, all of it was on purpose. "Forgive me", she said as she walked out of his life, "I'm so sorry I hurt you, but I can't." It seemed only yesterday that she'd been with him, inside of his arms, smiling and saying, "I love you more than anything. Your my only reason for living." But no one tell's the truth anymore, not even to themselves. The dead bolt turned open and his body pulled the door back. On the other side she stood crying but he knew it wasn't really her. Just his imagination helping with his destruction, he wouldn't allow himself to forget her, she'd always hold his heart in her hand. The sidewalk was empty of people, he only walked because he wouldn't be able to fully concentrate on the hurt. In the backseat of a car he bought the gun. A black 9mm with a full clip of happiness. A full clip of nothingness. Even as selfish as suicide is, he wouldn't think twice. This is what he'd been waiting for, the end, the only way to escape himself. God help me.

Son Et Lumiere

Clipside of the pinkeye flight
I'm not the percent you think survives
I need sanctuary in the pages of this book
Gestating with all the other rats
Nurse said that my skin will need a graft
I am of pockmarked shapes
The vermin you need to loathe

This is the greatest band in the world. I did not write this. “The Mars Volta”

Away from this place..
That’s where I want to be…
It doesn’t matter where….
As long as I can breath and classify this idiocy…..
As something I once forgot…..
And if it doesn’t follow through….
Then I’ll be eaten by this past I’ve….
Built myself around…..

oheiihfkfdja'cocaineismyfriendjfdkjs;afdajf

Everything’s fading away and I’m so high I can’t breathe. As of now, I’m wondering if there’s something I should know about the combination of cocaine and xanex. Is it deadly, I don’t know for sure but it sure as hell feels like it. I imagine it feels something like heart ache but I wouldn’t know for sure, I’ve been in love for years. Heart ache is simply a memory, one of those I blocked out and forgot.

My lover is holding my hand. Her eyes, they’re unexplainable. As blue as the ocean, they won’t stop pulling me under. Her blonde hair reminds me of something called heaven, something I’ll never see. Sometimes I wonder why this happened but I’ll never know the truth, not within the next ten minutes. Not unless there is a god and he’s teaching me one of those lessons I’ve read about on billboards or heard about in my dreams. Somehow, I doubt it. I fucking hate Christianity, along with the hypocrites that follow in blindness. But that’s irrelevant, I’m dying and I’m so in love I can’t breathe.

Everyday before this I wondered why suicide always sat in the forefront of my mind, tearing at my every thought, forcing it’s self to be seen. Then I remembered, I’m a product of the twenty first century, raised on depression and soap operas, divorce and despair, emotion and sex, the instant orgasm, sitcoms made of bull-shit. Her hand is sliding down my face now, I feel every tingle shocking my senses, pulling what’s left of me through her fingertips. Oh how I don’t want to leave, not now, not that she’s here. The pills mixed with methamphetamines are ripping at my brain now, slowly killing me the way my twenty first century heart has been doing my entire life. But this is all an illusion, according to the television, it’s simply a flashback, something I imagined and then recreated in my mind or in a script. If only.

Her blue eyes are cutting me apart, I can’t imagine my world without her, so I’ll just end it in the most selfish way possible and I’m so high I can’t breathe. With every breath after this I’m going to imagine floating in her eyes, swimming through her pupils and sleeping in her arms. Three of the most beautiful reasons I ever had for living. I ever had for crying.

If only I was laying on a beach, staring at the stars and remembering all those friends I held on to. Imagining the way it felt when when my lips first touched true love and graced the truest hand I’ve ever held. If only. Maybe then I wouldn’t regret this so much. Her eyes are a reflection of the ocean, painted with pastel and covered in beauty, more stunning than god could ever be. Ripe with tears that slowly slide toward my face. It’s almost as if they are longing to touch me one last time, longing to tell me goodnight. One last time. At this point in my life I can honestly say I’m happier than ever.

Just holding her gives me the strength to smile and I’m so in love I can’t breathe. Her body fits as perfect as a puzzle piece, holding what’s left of me together. Copying my heart, her’s is never a beat behind. And if you open you’re eyes you can truly smell death in the room. Drowning out all chance of hope. I really wish I wasn’t dying, I don’t want to, not now that she’s here. Not now. I’ve never felt this whole.

No more drugs. From now on breathing is my drug. Thinking of a way to stop thinking of you is my drug. If the devil was god I’d be jesus. But let’s forget about that for now. Let’s forget about everything for now. My gun leaves me happy, happy and alone. I bought it from a drug dealer. He told me that he killed thirteen little white boys with it….but I don’t care, fourteen won’t hurt. If any of this makes sense I’ll be surprised. My mom tells me to smile, I don’t work at a fast food restaurant…so why should I. Everyone in this city just walks past me, they don’t even glance, they just stay in their own little world…but so do I, all the time I live in it. If I was to scream they’d all think I was crazy, but maybe I am, maybe the worlds my razorblade, it just keeps cutting me deep, deep, deeper, deeper. Here lately my head keeps thinking of things to type into this machine, I just wish I could remember them all. I guess I do but they don’t make sense, they confuse me too. Drown me in my thoughts, drown me in my dreams, drown me in my swimming pool of a heart. What’s the story they ask…why am I the way I am. But I won’t tell them, no no no….not anymore not anymore. They’ll just have to wonder about me. Tomorrow is Christmas and I still don’t feel good, I still don’t feel the way people say I should….maybe I’m destined to be depressed for the rest of my life. For the rest of my fucked up past. Tomorrow I’ll forget what I was thinking when I wrote this…but I’ll always know that I’m destined to love. Destined to love her destined to love the impossible.

“His”

The black barrel of the gun looked as if it was connected, pressed into his throat, slightly protruding from the left cheek. It was as if they all knew what went on inside his maze of a heart, father, co-workers, even the people he passed on sidewalks, they all knew. So why didn’t he? The barrel pressed against the opposite cheek, saliva dripped from the sides, filling his mouth with the taste of metal. Perhaps the dog would find his body, useless intelligence sprayed across the computer monitor, inconsiderate hand still on the trigger. To most people his life was thought of as a waste, the long hours he spent writing never seemed to pay of, no one would publish his works or better yet, his thoughts. Tears fell from his eyes, passing over the gun, down the handle. His cuts screamed in pain but to him pain was just an illusion. How could anyone underestimate him, they didn’t know anything about the man, they didn’t even know his name, they only knew how much they hated his difference. The telephone rang stopping his finger from releasing the end, he didn’t care, the answering machine would get it anyway. Curiosity began to spread throughout his body, making him wonder who was on the other end but why did it matter, no one cared, tomorrow would be the same without him. The click came and with it followed the fragments of skull, spraying across the back wall of his apartment, blood painted the empty canvases as his body hit the floor. The sleep controlled him now, while the remaining part of his head threw blood around the
room tinting the light bulb a horrendous red, the perfect lighting for such a scene. Tomorrow his body would be found and with disgust follows pity, tearing through them like a razor blade. Maybe they’ll think about him, missing his very presence, praising his works, praising his genius, maybe even the scene of departure. At least that’s what he hoped for, or better yet, lived for.

“Her’s”

Why though? Why did he forget the young boy who admired him, the young man who adored him, the beautiful wife who loved him. They had only been gone on vacation for 2 days and he’d simply forgotten about them, but it was always about him and what he wanted. The note in the side table drawer would only explain so much or so little. Maybe it would be enough to settle their curiosity, but not enough to help their misery. The tears of pain would forever flow in their hearts, leaving a hole the size of their memories.

Watching his casket descend was the hardest thing she’d ever done. The loss shot through her like a virus, pulling the strength from her body, bringing her knees to the earth. Screams pelted from her like bullets, no one will understand her pain, they’ll only apologize. Month’s even years would pass before his memory would fade. Not completely but enough to put her at ease, enough to help her sleep. Tomorrow would come quickly, leaving yesterday behind, opening new doors, but it won’t matter to her, it will only hurt. It will only rip the healed scabs, reopening so many wounds, wounds that grow deeper with every thought, wounds that will make her a new person.

"Quick to Depart"
- For Mrs. Ruby Graves- I love you
Sweet dreams Mr. Danny

I woke up today. She crosses my mind, sliding across my eyelids. My names David and sometimes I think I’m a god damn, full blooded psychopath. Her names, well we’ll call her she, her, that girl, etc. You don’t need to know my last name, we don’t need to be on a full name basis. Because, Lets face it you’ll never know me and I’ll never know you, hell you probably won’t even finish this, it’ll come across a little to suicidal, a little to abusive, a little to drug related but that’s my life, that’s my history, that’s how I wanted it, so fuck you. If I keep writing my mind will keep running, soon enough it’ll hit that wall and I’ll stop, stop helping myself, start hurting myself. When I was four my step mom used to hold my head under water until my body stopped moving, when I woke up we’d both be naked in my fathers bed, you can guess what happened. She used to lock me in my room, I guess it made her more powerful. I’ve always imagined murdering her. Holding her down with one hand pounding her face with the other. I can see it now, blood flying, bones crushing, I’d do it without thinking but you’ll never know why, hell you probably won’t even finish this you’ll think it’s to violent, to dark, to suicidal, but fuck you. My ex girlfriend called today, she left a message telling my mom to watch me, of course she starts screaming that I should tell her not to call again. She doesn’t realize I’m at the end of my rope and that girl is trying to help.

Dear Angie,

I don't know what's wrong with me. I try to keep these feelings bottled up inside but sometimes they pour from my eyes. I don't know if you regret anything that happened but I don't think you should. I only wish that I could hold you until the end of time. Sometimes I wonder if you want me to leave you alone, that's okay if so. I've been asleep for half the day and I can't help but allow my mind to run. I can't explain these confused feelings I just keep blabbering and hope that some sort of sense will come from this. Some sort of help. I want to forget you, even if it's only temporary, I just can't keep hurting myself. Of course I won't let myself forget, it's my nature to keep ripping my bandages of, letting my wounds heal by themselves. I hope for the world to end, just imagining it all going away, that's my dream. Maybe i'm wasting my time with this but i'll never know until i die. I'll never know until this mind numbing pain subsides. Tomorrow is coming pretty soon, i'll join the rest of them, intertwined in the everyday bull-shit that we all pull. I don't know what else to say I just keep scraping the leftover metal, piercing my heart over and over and over. Hopefully, one day i'll fix these problems instead of drowning myself in utter sadness, strangling my dreams with the past. I keep falling no matter how many times i stand up, the thought of you tears of my arms and beats at me....or something like that. This might have become repedetive, these letters, they don't help you to understand anything about me any better, I suppose. But they do help me they help me to evaluate my mind. I'll always remember last night, how it felt to hold you again, kiss you, comfort you. I loved it. To bad memories fade with time. Keep me in your thoughts when i'm not around, think of me when you need help. "I'll look ever so precious with this pistol down my throat." Me.

"Shadows" The beginniend

If these shadows ever decide to yield for me, maybe then I can grow up and stop staring at the sky for an answer. Knowing that all is well beneath the flesh I weep for a god that can understand. Maybe even give me a chance to prove myself to the world that I really don’t hate. This revisited Sunday paper that I’ve stared at so blankly for years and years remembering the heist of hell that we committed. Maybe then in the past of my own self I can find the answers to the future, that I so willingly gave away with my virginity. With my own innocence. I feel the blade slicing through my every thought and the reminder of caffeine overdoses and alcohol binges brings tears to my eyes, even now I fear a heart attack. While my now clammy skin (once soft) melts across the bone I’ve broken beneath, with wrist forsaken gods and virgin lovers that I took from them so well. With the black cloth that I bury my true self within I’ve realized that even a television show couldn’t recreate this mess I’ve grown throughout my lying mind. And our mothers taught us better than to drink and drive but I’ve been doing it for as long as we can remember.

I will no longer lie to those that i love, because I have no reason to ffjdksa;fjdsxanaxjfkd keep up with this charade. For I fear that my end is near, not of my will but of another. One I may never see and if you do exist then i'm sorry for lying to myself and my mother. She won't believe you're book after this mistake fully grips my throat and chokes the rest of my life out. Just give me this last chance to type this last chance to hope for the best. For I can feel my body slowing and the heart within longing to escape this time bomb it's inside.

With the noose tied around our necks we watch as the world reflects on our mistakes. And when god climbs through my window to reveal his true self I’ll broadcast it on small time television stations and underground AM radio, so that all of us who matter will know for sure if he’s worthy of being followed, or just another lie they’ve fed to keep us in ignorant check. When you’re left foot succumbs to the numbness as mine has been doing for the past few days just know that these words will echo for an eternity. There is no real reason to live. Just do it and forgive those who hurt you. They will forever love you and forever keep you happy. Even in death I will hear you're voice.

Let's rewrite history. This time for ourselves and no one else.

I can feel it, the emptiness, it’s growing again and I’m so close to leaving. She’s been trying to convince me for weeks, months even. Right when I decide to go, I wanna’ die again. Last night I dreamt of it, being alone with her for the rest of my life, forgetting that everyone misses me and it felt so good, to be with her. Not having to hide my feelings and kissing her whenever I want, oh god it felt so good but it was only a dream. Something my mind made up and tossed back at me with it’s horrible timing. Throwing it in my face so that maybe I’d listen to myself for once and not everyone else. Maybe I’d grow up and die quick and fast, like I’ve always wanted.

It feels like I’ve been alive for a century. Flashing back through my life I see so many broken dreams and hopes. The abuse I’ve suffered my entire life, not just Shauna but myself also. After I left my dad’s I began to mentally abuse myself, just to take place of her abuse, the torture that I somehow missed. Why did I crave abuse, molestation, everything that I’d been trying to get away from, for nine years. I just want to leave with her and never come back but it would kill my family, they would never be the same. We’ve been through so much and made it, how could I let something like this tear us apart. And angie I love angie and I don’t want to leave her so I’m just gonna die I’m just gonna end this bull-shit. I can’t take it anymore. Fuck.

The stale taste of conversation begins to fade out of my mothers room and already my mind is floating in all sorts of directions. Two days ago I told my girlfriend that I cheated on her and I know it's selfish but maybe i should kill myself now. Just seeing her in that state makes me feel like my father. Now I really know what my mom looked like in 1989. Eyes full of tears and her mind full of confusion. I can only imagine there pain but have pain of my own. Pains that they will never be able to fathom, not in their wildest dreams. My jackass father is the cause of mostly every sick thought I have and most definetly the god of lies, i'm his heir. Following so beautifully, right behind his lying ass. I know what i've done is wrong, I knew it when I did it but it didn't stop me. I didn't once think of her and for that i'm sorry.

Please forgive because I know I need you. I always have and always will. It's just that i've been given some traits that I have to overcome and i'm so sorry I did this to you. I love you Angela, I do. And tonight on my first sober night in months i'm gonna think of you and me and us and maybe Wednesday when you call, i'll be a different person, with morals and the heart you deserve. I need you Angel, maybe it's you who doesn't need me.

Up tempo and I am still here. With the music in my ear and the desperation of a nuetered dog. With the words that spill from my finger prints i'll promise to you my only truth. I'm a distraught young man and i'm willing to stay alive out of curiousity. Just to see how this story is gonna turn out. Can I depend on our happy ending or happiness at all, I've really stop trying. Because the happiness that fills me is nothing but a temporary bandage. It eventually tears from me like a 3 day old band-aid.

And I can't believe that you're reading this. Honestly people why don't you go listen to Bush talk, he's more convincing than me. Believe me he knows what he's talking about. Ha. Oh yeah, new news, the bible is true except for the jesus part, we're all sinners there was no son of god. So even if god is real you're still gonna burn in hell. I wish. Hell would be an adventure. I mean burning and shit is better than rotting in the ground. Unfortunately we get the latter...

The blue of her eyes destroys him. Peels back the calice over his heart and inserts that little feeling of hope. That little taste of love. The very touch of her skin can kill him. Ripping open his chest and stabbing at the cancer inside. Everything he's become is simply an image that she wanted, some sort of toy. Tomorrow his heart will bleed all of her out. He'll take a bus to Mexico and get lost in the flow of happiness. The happiness of being alone and alive in a world so mysterious. All the things he's left behind will become memories. His parent's, his siblings, they'll all miss him so. The heartache he feels will be nothing compared to theirs. He loves you mom, he loves you more than anything. He wouldn't do this to hurt you. Only to help himself. He has to move forward.

It’s Friday night and I’ve drank so much I can’t see the girl next to me. I suppose she could be the one I’ve been searching for but she’s not. I know this because I’ve already found the one and she already left me alone. All my friends tell me that she’s using me for one thing but I know she’s not. She’s not that kind of person, at least she wasn’t that kind of person. Back when we used to say I love you. Now I’m the only one that says it. Only to myself, even though I’ve grown to hate my reflection. Why does she hurt me so much? I really don’t know anything anymore…I just live, a pointless life. Or atleast that's how it feels right now. I mean all I do is drink and fuck, just to keep my mind off of her and it really doesn't help. It only seems to drive me further into this hole and i'm so scared that i'll never get out of it alive. Perhaps i'm just a lunatic and someday i'll be the greatest serial killer ever. Jus kidding.

"Inside"

So what's been going on?

Nothing, i've been running around. Trying to find where I left my heart.

Oh really. That sounds like fun, any luck?

No. I think it's a pointless search. My bodies numb and I don't feel anything for anyone anymore.

Maybe you should just leave this town.

I know. But it's not that easy. I have to find someway to push myself forward.

Well. How about....school. I mean other than a baptist hell hole. ha.


That's what i've been saying but i'm financially fucked and well....i'm losing my mind too.

Tha's wonderful. Maybe you should just give up, life isn't for everyone.

That's always been my backup plan. But i'm to scared of nothingness.

So what happened between you and what's her name..?

Angela?

Yeah.

She's somewhere and I suppose she's the reason I am the way I am.

How?

I don't know, I just thought i'd be with her forever...but things got really fucked up...

And now?

And now we talk but I don't know if i'll ever win her back, she's to into the whole asian scene.
Let's face it, I'm not pretty enough.

Yeah. I know how that goes. They give up on personality and kill us in the process.

I don't want to try anymore. I just wanna wake up 15 years from now and die. Just to see where I end up.

Please don't quit Jacob. Your to much of an original soul to commit yourself to a hole in the ground.

I'd like to believe you but I don't believe anyone who tries to help me.
I figure if I can't do it myself...it shouldn't be done....i'm stubborn.

So what about Barry and all the friends you had.

Drugs. Drugs pull even the best of us under. Then put the depression and anxiety attacks on top of that. In the end they
left like her. The pain is unimaginable. Please help me, take me away from here.

I can't. I can't help until you help yourself, you have to find inspiration.

I lost my inspiration two years ago. It all went down the drain with her, i've tried to write but nothing comes out. Atleast nothing
positive.

Why can't I get over my past and just go on. I am what every other person dreads.

Maybe your better off this way for now. It'll help you later in life to know that you've overcome so many hardships.
Just don't let it get you down.

But I think i'm bipolar. One day i'm happy the next i'm completely the opposite, then someone will piss me off and i'll snap.
The anger and depression all of it, it just controls me.

I don't know what to say.

Nothing new. No one ever does. I'm a champagne bottle that someone shook to much, as soon as my cork blows out, no one will
be able to stop me.

.............

You have nothing else to say?

No, just keep your head above water and remember the voice in your head is always here for you.........

Yeah..i'll remember until my heads gone.

Oh, and... she still loves you. Even if nothing turns out like you wanted it to.


Today isn't the day we should call our own because it's really not. There are a billion different people in this world and we have to share but god i need a blunt. I haven't smoked weed in so long that i've almost forgot what it's like to forget my problems. Here lately, due to the drug tests, I've had to figure my problems out without the help of substance abuse. Sometimes it feels great but other's I just want to escape. If you've made it this far then i'm really suprised, I think i'm extremely repeditive but I love you all, please keep reading.

Maybe then i'll be able to stay alive as long as you guys need me, don't you want to help me. I hope you do, because one day i'll make all of you happy when you read my novels and dreams. Please just keep reading and soon i'll start telling my story, the one that everyone needs to hear. In order to live a full life and know that everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. I promise.

I don’t know how long I’ve been here, in this room. As far as I can tell there is no way out, this place is a maze and every corner sends me into another eternity of confusion. Puzzles and hidden exits, pill bottles full of blood everywhere, in case I get thirsty. I don’t know how I ended up here and my name is Elijah, I think. Maybe it’s just a dream but it seems so real, so I’m gonna’ keep trying to find a way to escape this nightmare. And if there is no exit I’ll slam my head into these endless white walls until I can send myself into a coma or better yet death. I can feel my hands trying to pull open the next door or window, or shelf, or trap, or hell, or heaven, or God.

I’m watching him now, from the camera’s all over the place. Hidden and painted and re-hidden. Surprisingly enough he’s stayed calm and he’s still drinking the blood I pulled out of myself, it’s beautiful. If you’re me or a psychotic bastard according to society and doctors. To many hits of acid can make anyone insane but I’m drug free, so apparently drugs aren’t to bad. Abusive step mothers and neglectful fathers can send anyone into insanity just the same way as acid, I’m living proof and society doesn’t crack down on abuse, just drugs, drug dealers steal the governments money, oh god. Abusive whores don’t take there money, only lives they might have to support if their bull-shit commercials don’t turn us all into conservative cock suckers, licking their asses just to get a welfare check for our four unwanted children. This guy he’s mine now and no one can stop me, no one even knows he exists, no one even knows I exist. So this is more less a fight to the dEATh.

As I rise to my feet, my body begins to tingle. Imagining what that noise could have been but I’m to scared to move now. I’m not to sure if I’m freaking out or something just slammed into the other side of this wall. But no one else heard it, obviously. Otherwise they’d wake up but I swear something is in my room. I really don’t know right now. My heart is working double time, the beat of it keeps me petrified I can’t move. I feel those little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

For Angie,

I imagined what it would be like without you. And i had to stop for fear of it actually happening. I love you my dear and i'll always be you're one and only just listen to my heart beat and know that it only beats for you. I've never missed you this much. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love YOu i love you.


I grieve for you, my only friend. It’s been only two days since you’re passing and I’m still losing my mind. My brain is drained of all positive thoughts and god I’ve never missed you this much. It’s not like those high wohwidheieudrugskdhjidh school days when an hour and a half was to much, now I have to live without you and you’re smile. If I could only touch you’re face and hold you in my arms, just so I wouldn’t take it for granted, not this time. My darling I’ve never been so alone, without you’re sweet kiss to keep me above the earth that you now rest beneath. This is the first time in seven years I’ve actually prayed, I hope so much for heaven and for one more chance to see you smile. My mother told me today that you are watching over me, like a guardian angel. That’s what you’ve always been, the angel at my side. And now, outside, the air is blowing cold and I swear it’s leaking through the walls, chasing me. My body is absolutely weak, my God I think I’m dying from this. I’ve never missed you as much as I do now , you’re skin and how it used to take my breath away. With you’re eyes reading my mind and the darkness that we used to love.

As of now the candelabra is flaring, I can see it from the corner of my mind and my eyes won’t stop crying for you.. Remember all the times we cried just being five miles away from each other. I do and I don’t know how much longer I can take this. My body is dying, please my love come back to me and give me the happiness that you hold. I don't know what to do without you here, I never imagined this. I've always hoped that you died first just so you don't have to deal with this pain. But why now my love why now. i don't know if I can survive without you by my side. Please give me the blue of you're eyes. Please grace me with you're beauty one last time. I don't want to be without you. Please my love come back to me. Please my love, come back for me.

"Sex Party"

The alcohol at the bottom of my stomach has begun to churn and soon enough there will be complete catastrophe inside of me. I’ve drank two pints of vodka ,somewhere around twelve beers and this party is completely insane. My girlfriend ran of in some direction with a girl and I’ve been having sex all night with so many people, guys and girls. My penis is in more pain than my stomach but for some reason I’m happy right now. I’m not sure if I’m some sort of sex addict or what but god I love cumming. Tonight alone I’ve had sex with twenty or so people and everyday before this it’s been at least four. I can feel the air coming through the window and it draws me to the outside world. Around me are all sorts of people, I couldn’t even describe them right now. My alcohol tolerance has been reached and I’m so fucked up and everything I look at is doubled. Gotta love it. Marijuana isn’t legal but this is. Makes no sense to me but whatever. The house we’re at is two stories tall, with at least ten different sex rooms. Most of the people here are hyped up on ecstacy (speed based), cocaine, Ice or meth. But I decided to go down tonight and suck this guy off. I’ve never done it before tonight. His dick really wasn’t that big so I didn’t have much of a problem sucking him off. It took somewhere around ten minutes but I swear he was screaming when I finished it off. Swallowing his come was the most exhilirating i've done in years. He tried to suck me off but it took twenty minutes and he still wasn’t finished, so I just busted in his mouth. He loved it and so did I. Just seeing him down there on his knees with his muscles sweaty and dripping with come. It was amazing.

My girlfriend was watching me the whole time and she didn’t seem to interested so I told her to go the fuck away and she did. Later on I ran into her with four other chicks. They where using double ended dildo’s and sex beads to get each other off. They'd push three in and then on the way out there was a stange popping noise. One of them was fucking her in the ass and I decided that this wasn’t my type of thing so I picked out another set of girls. They let me join right in. The first girl, her name was Amanda, she could ride a dick like nothing else, her pu--- was so tight that I could feel her muscles tighten every time she'd breathe. I guess this was her first sex party. Anyway, she rode me for god knows how long and then she let Josie take it. This girl here, she paid me to have sex with her about two weeks ago. I don’t know why she paid, I would have paid her but she insisted. So I took it, all four hundred dollars. The next girls name was Shana. Her eyes where so blue that I couldn’t concentrate on the sex and god her hair was as dark as the night sky, it’s beauty sucked me in like the Bermuda triangle is gonna suck all of us in. When she was through another girl hopped on.

But wait a second, maybe we should go back to my first threesome. It wasn’t to long ago but I think that it would help lead you into this ending. Okay so my first threesome was with a few girls I’d never met before but that’s not the point. My girlfriend caught me and decided that she didn’t like the idea of other girls fucking me. So she killed them, both of them with a pistol I bought her for her birthday. At the time I thought it was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. Until she told me to screw them both in the ass. I mean at first it didn’t seem like such a bad idea until she made me eat out there ass holes. Of course what choice did I have with a gun to my head, not much of one. Afterwards we buried them in the middle of a local park and set the whole mother fucker on fire. There where so many dead bodies no one knew the difference. Then we went home and she screwed the hell out of me. If it wasn’t for her sense of originality, I wouldn’t be with her, god I love her.

But back to the real story. By this time the fourth girl was through and the fifth was my girlfriend. She decided to go down first. This girl can suck the best dick ever, her throat just swallows it up like a fuckin' vacuum and before you know it the come is sliding down her face. Oh god, I can’t even explain it, I’m just drunk but I swear it feels like I’m on ex right now. She’d once told me that the next time she catches me with another girl that she was going to kill me. But I think she’s so into it right now that she doesn’t care. I hope not. Right now I feel her tongue slapping it around like a ping pong ball and her throat is sucking it up like Shana’s hair sucked up my attention. If I didn't know better i'd say she could suck dick better than the other girls can screw but no. It's just that whole past thing that makes it better. If I didn't know her it would just be a normal blow job and if she could here my thoughts right now, she'd kill me. To Be Continued.....

What happened to you my son and all of you’re dreams. Sometimes I think that you are drinking you’re mind away, don’t follow me. Just because I’ve become something I hate doesn’t mean you have to. And yes this is you’re father, the one you trusted to hold you up when you felt down, when you felt alone. My son if you can hear me now I only ask that you listen to me, you don’t have to take it to heart, just listen. I love you Jacob and I always have, you are the only child that could actually break my heart and I feel so lost without you. We’ve grown so far apart throughout the past seven years and I know now that it is my fault. I called you a liar and believe me when I say that I know you aren’t. I know what she did to you and I’m sorry that I ever allowed such horrible things to go on. Especially while I was watching it. I saw the bruises that she left on you’re body and I know that there are still hundreds beneath you’re skin, for that I am truly sorry. If I had only listened to my own conscience instead of my mothers, maybe then you wouldn’t be the young man that you are now, so lost and betrayed.

My son if you’ve never listened to me before, please listen to me now for I am truly apologizing. And if you never forgive me I will completely understand. I was you’re only parent throughout the nine years you lived in the hell that I created because we all know that Sha--- wasn’t, we all know that I let you down and I was supposed to hold you up. I was supposed to help you spread you’re wings and become something more than you’re mother and I could ever be. If you are listening right now, please know that I love you my dearest child. You’re eyes, you’re smile, you’re beautiful personality and you’re mind. These things are what keep me going, they are the reason I smile. And my God I love you. You are my life and my soul. If I burn in hell I deserve it. I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to betray you my son. I love you. Daddy…

It’s okay Dad, I still love you. Too Bad I mad up this apology.





Jacob


Good night. I love you. And you’re president.

"So tell me that you're son doesn't know any cuss words, when his bus drivers screamin at him fuckin him up worse." Eminem - Who Knew (Check it out, good point)

"I'm fixing a hole where the rain get's in, stops my mind from wondering where it will go. Where it will go." The Beatles - Fixing a Hole

Everything. By: Jacob Gage

Son et Lumiere: By The Mars Volta

Vipul. I trusted you more than i've ever trusted myself. You where the only one i've ever been able to talk to. I'm sorry for this brick wall i've started to build between us. My best and sometimes only friend. You're Brother Jacob.

Thank you.