Ramblings of an old heart

Ever look out the window and see thousands of shades of gray no matter the weather? I mean every day just seeing nothing to look forward to. Every day its the same story, same problems, same stuff just a different day.
I wake up every day knowing people depend on me. Walking a thin tightrope of responsibility that I never trained for. Everyone always wants,wants, wants.... Not me, never me, could never be....happy. I can't remember when I've been happy, truly happy.
People say its a gift, some say its a curse. Unfailing kindness and understanding. Like the black rose of deception used upon so many to take their innoncence.
When I sleep tonight finally understanding the silence of black and white, I'll think that life could never be.....happy.