The Highs and Lows of Obsession

You’ll never fully understand, because there is no way for me to explain the pain in my soul, my heart. My heart is broken, and it’s constantly healing and re-breaking. All my mistakes have caused me heartbreak but at the time, I pushed the hurt away, stored it away inside. I had to be smooth, acting impervious to the world. Some thought I was a bitch, and that hurt me because I knew who I really was. Even so, I didn’t want anyone else to see, afraid of ridicule and shame. I was okay with being the one that everyone one hated, because I was in control. But I really wanted to hide, to go far away and not say a word. I wanted and still do want someone to love me. Actually, love is not the word to describe it. I want someone to want me, be with me forever, and think I’m beautiful, even when I’m at my worst. I want them to not be able to go through their day without talking to me; I want someone to find comfort in my voice, my arms. But at the same time I want to excite them; I want them to look forward to every new moment with me. I want someone to love me unconditionally, with every part of their soul, with every ounce of their being.

I’ve had that feeling about someone before, but it hurts to even think about it now because no one has felt that way about me. I feel like I’m not worth it, not worth people’s time. I know there is nothing special about me but it makes me break down at times because I’m scared I’m going to die alone and no one will care. I’m afraid that if I put my heart on the line again, it will get broken. I can’t take the pain again; it’s just too much for one person to handle. My heart hurts, it actually hurts. The feelings, the sadness, the disgust with myself has piled up so much over the years that whenever I sit down and think about it, I hurt. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe. All I can think about is the pain and how much I want it to stop.

As I lay here in bed thinking about how I want my life to play out, all I can hope for is to be loved as much as anyone has ever been loved. I’m keep replaying all the moments that have transpired to get me here, and it makes me question how I got here to begin with. Why has all this pain and suffering happened to me? At first I thought it was because God hated me, that I must have done something too horrible to imagine and that my life was punishment. But I soon found out that I was extremely wrong. I had ignored all the signs; all those bad chapters that have come and gone in my life did serve a purpose. It gave me the will to survive your love.

I don’t want you to be one more lover scorned. I want this time to matter, not just to myself but to you as well. Right now, you’re confused about your feeling and where you want our relationship to go. I understand all this because I have the same confusion but there is something that helps guide me through and that is my love for you. I don’t understand it nor do I know why it’s there. All that matters is that it exists and the strength of that love will always keep me at your side, whether you want me there or not. We are headed in a direction that I’ve never been in before and it scared me to death. But I find comfort in the fact that you are experiencing the same frustration, the same confusion, and somehow I believe that love will make it through. We may not last, there is no telling what the future holds; all that I know is that I can’t wait to try. I give you all my love and I will never doubt you because my love will never ask why, it will just understand. I leave it to your heart to make the final decision. It is out of my hands. I know that your scared to give too much of yourself away but you can’t let this chance pass you by. God knows that I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder what if? Don’t you know that love is supposed to be random, unexplainable, scary, and it never comes at the perfect time?

Life is not perfect and everything doesn’t come together like it does in the movies. In real life you have to take all the opportunities you’re given and mold them into your own perfection. Without love, without something to look forward to everyday, what would be the point to living? Without you, it would just feel like I was living life without actually living it. I would be just going through motions; I could survive but nothing would be worthwhile anymore. So I’m going to prove to you that this can work. We will be together and at last you will see what I’ve been talking about. You will see how happy you can be and you won’t be able to talk our love down anymore. There are so many things that you have left to learn about me and you have as long as you want to learn them. I can’t wait to see you, to turn around and there you’ll be. I’m so excited to be able to touch you, look in your eyes and show you the strength I have to make this work. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you and know that I’m actually there with you. I can’t wait to be able to tell you everything with just one look and to know that you understand. I can’t wait to experience your love again. That first hug, your loving embrace, just to feel your arms around me and to let myself melt into you; our walks, holding each other close know that even though we are two separate beings, we are now one headed in the same direction. And that recurring kiss, the one thing that excites me so much it keeps me up at night. Everything will be so much better when I can see you with my own eyes. Talking on the phone can only get us so far. I have to be with you, I have to be by your side. I have to know what it feels like to be around you knowing what I do and feeling how I feel. I want to get there as soon as possible and nothing is going to stop me. Nothing will stand in the way of me losing you and feeling your real emotion. Just know this… no matter what else happens, no matter where this goes I will always love you just the way you are.