Defintely interesting. This is not what I expected when I clicked read a random peice. So this has to be 33 words. But I would think maybe delete some of the description to add more detail about the resutrant, or find a little more room to elaborate by deleting it. However with 33 words it is really hard to do anything substantial. Also this isn't really a story, nothing happens. Thats just my feedback but it is interesting!
I love it! Some lines could maybe use some tweaks the 6th block with untasted pleasure felt a little off to me. as well as the one with soon paradise lost. Could ideas but they just don't flow like the rest of the words. I love this though The way it just flows of the tounge and describes what its like to lose innocence and enter the adult world. Currently im a senior in highschool so my transition into adult life is very prevelant right now. But over all its a great poem i love it!
Hilarious short read! I figured out pretty early he was a cat. Just the name Tab. The only thing I would say would be make him embody a cat a little more. Like that smug cat attitude and selfishness. Also maybe a little more descriptiveness. But the length it is works. Its a funny little read that I definitely didn't waste my time with. At my moms i have 3 cats so i know what they're like and i love how it kind of explains why a cat would do that maybe. Anyway great job making a funny short read!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! funny story! THis is fiction right? i doubt they would burn a effigy of you, but it is beleivable people would be quite displeased. next time you need to research a area and its people before you build a buisness! thank you for this funny story! KEEP WRITING!!!!
A very intresting story. I like the repetetive term "Obsolete" it sorta drills into your head, becomes a pattern. and it does raise the point, why wouldnt a robot view humanity as obsolete if we are weaker to them in all ways? and if we created intelligence for them and we treat them as objects only to be replaced by better models why wouldnt they view us the same way? Thank you for your intresting story. KEEP WRITING!
THANK YOU!!!! finally i get the sense of characters! im not sure what his job is but i kinda know his personality though. i dont get why out of no where he likes this allison girl. he met her when he was sooo drunk he couldnt even remember her. im starting to get a sense of story now, ill read more later
i like it. so he has never met this girl in person before? you spend alot of time describing the house, its room. but little time on the charcter himself or this girl. but its still good, why didnt he bring a laptop or cell phone though? that doesnt make sense to me. good story keep writing!
I like how its very peaceful. And it talks about freedom. i feel like the boat is a metaphor but i cant figure out for what. i think it might be death, but that doesnt seem right. why is he on a chair? was it all a dream? if so why is the boat still there? it liked it especially the beginign, keep writing!
This is a good start but very confusing. is it supposed to be this confusing? i have no sense of what is going on except some big discovery is made, and i really dont understand its signifigance. im sorry if i sound harsh, i dont meen to be, im just very confused. i dont know who these characters are or what there importance is. maybe adding a little background would help. just a sentence for each character to explain a bit? well good start, ill try to reread it if it gets edited, or just read the next part.
Good poem. It the second part has a olden feel. which is good. I kind of wish it was longer, but the shortness also helps keep things simple, and personally i prefer simple things. when somthing simple it feels more like it came from the soul than some self rubric that makes you write like a robot. I hope you write more like it!
HAHAHA! funny! it is not very complicated but that leaves more room for humor. If this story is true i feel so bad. i like the way you emphasize the insanity of being in a car filled with cats! I can personally not think of a way to change it. Very funny story! keep writing more like it!
HAHAHAHAHA! SOOOOO TRUE!!! i have those moments when im sitting in front of a keyboard not knowing what to type, and the longer i wait the less focus i have until it fades away and i just end up not writing anythimg! you captured the agrivation of being a writer in a silly way, i hope you keep having success in writing!
Wow good poem. i like the way you think of the witch, as somone who is spreading evil oblivios to the world as she trys to avoid her coming death. i like the repetivness it adds to the creepy witchy feel. i like this poem and i hope you keep having success in all youre writing.
i enjoyed this poem, i noticed it follows a ryhme scheme of ababc but i think its kinda hard to understand, but i dont think its about god is it? i like the ryhmes and the rythem, but again the theme of this is kinda foggy. its pretty good right now but i think it could be better.
fairly decent peice of work. it seems like youre talking about how the world is corrupt, or that everything in life is the same. nicely shows how the world can be somtimes. i kinda agree with this, but not on all days. keep up the good work!
Wow, i like this poem very much! it flows nicely off the tounge and it describes how people are ruining nature. This poem explains that the impossible must happen before we become with nature. the impossible is leaving behind everything we discovered that is in some way shape or form destroying the world, the part "The path to this place is hidden form view; covered up by the brush soaked with dew" shows that we no longer can even see the path to making the world right anymore. keep up the good work!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zackyshadow2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 3:21am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
