Whoa! Those are some vivid imagery, alright. By the end, I became so engrossed that I thought I was there on the streets of Paris. However, I thought there were a few grammatical errors.
In the first paragraph, "And between them were they. Girls with red lips." I supposed you can say, "Between them were girls with red lips," or "Girls with red lips. Whores, Lusty, lascivious loitering the streets."
Also in the second paragraph, "She was leaning over a some man." I believe it's a simple typo, am I right?
Overall I enjoyed it. I think you've made a good choice to tell the story in the eyes of a very observant man.
I think this is quite well-written and it's the beginning of an exciting adventure which can take many different paths.
If this will indeed be the beginning of a longer story, may I suggest that you go into a little more detail of each character? Perhaps describe their appearances. I think it will help readers form a more vivid picture in their minds as they're reading. Overall, well done.
I thought the twist was good, I wouldn't have thought that Michael was from the future. However, there is one thing I am quite confused about, was Sam's grandfather from the future as well and then just happened to escaped to the past? To be able to travel to the future in the 1800's seemed a little advanced even if it's fiction.
Other than that, I also noticed there are quite a bit of mispellings or typos. Here's a few:
I can help you. Take me with.” (Is there supposed to be a "you" at the end?)
Unfortunately, Nathaniel’s signs of rejuvenation we just too apparent (was "we" supposed to be "was"?)
“Well, there aren’t any now, but there were.” I knew he had eaten some of the dried fruit he told me he carried. I could see why this UCE would want to get their hands on it. (these sentence is a little confusing.)
Just minor errors, maybe proofread it a few more times and it'll be great.
Fascinating development. I enjoyed reading this chapter and was amazed by how vivid it was. However, I ran into a little confusion while reading this particular paragraph:
"Eight months ago I met Bailey, who is sweet and funny, kind and caring, fun and exciting. I hadn’t gone on more than a handful of dates with anyone since Jeff, until the night he came into the Keg for a beer. Since then we’d been on four weekend hiking trips in the mountains, hang gliding over the Pacific and sky diving in the desert. Next month we were planning on going to Hawaii to do some scuba diving."
It was a little confusing reading this paragraph the first time. It took me three times to figure out exactly what this paragraph. The sentence that confused me was "I hadn’t gone on more than a handful of dates with anyone since Jeff, until the night he came into the Keg for a beer." I think if you can change the "he" to the actually person who you're talking about, it would make more sense because I kept thinking, if she broke up with Jeff, then why would they go hiking and scuba diving?
Just this minor confusion but the rest is thumb up.
First of all, I would like to say I really reading the story. There's something I don't get though. If Ian changed Mary, how is she able to have grandchildren? Also, when Mary was telling her grandchildren the story, it seemed like some of the things she said is inappropriate to tell it to children, don't you think so? Mary was saying Andrew "plunged his manhood into her". Also, in the story, you never mentioned Ian's relations to Britnee and Alec. Who was he and what was he doing in that house? Lastly, when I read to the part where Britnee found Mary, the story suddenly changed to third person and moreover, it was the exact thing as the prologue.
Secondly, while I was reading, I found some missing punctuation marks and spelling errors especially in the dialogues. The missing punctuation marks made the dialogues quite confusing to understand. It's like the characters were speaking very fast and didn't have time to pause or take a breath or something. Overall, though, I enjoyed reading it and I can't wait to find what happen next.
What a great story. I really enjoyed reading it. The way you describe the events happening and the emotions when the children were being torn apart from their parents made it very real. I felt like I was there as it happened. I don't think it really matter whether the story takes place during WWI or some other time since it's happening in a fictional world anyway. Overall, I enjoy it and it reminds me a little of the Hunger Game Trilogy.
This is hilarious. I had a blast reading it. The things August does is very funny. However, the whole thing, for some reason, reads like more like a summary of a play than a short story. It feels like you took too much time explaining the background of the main character and not enough time going into the characters' reaction to having a man from the 1700's in their home. Also, when the Randall and Ralph were arguing, it reads like they are having a conversation instead of an argument. Give some emotions to the characters. The climax is also very simple and lacks intensity. Ralph broke a window to get into the scientist's home, surely the scientist heard something even if he's asleep. Overall, I enjoyed this quick simple story.
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