Your poem made me quite teary eyed even though we cut for different reasons. I shoul've started off 1st by saying that I too am a cutter. I've also been cutting for 10yrs. I'm 23, and I was 13 when I started. There's not enough ppl in this world to understand us and I wish there was, it would make talking to ppl so much easier than having to explain it each and every single time I talk to someone that doesn't know, or doesn't understand, and is insensitive to it. I'm engaged and my fiance knows that I cut and he does not understand why, he, like a lot of ppl think that it would be easy to stop, but for me, it is an addiction. I started cutting to relieve my inner pain, then it turned into a habit for doing it every day, and from there to an addiction. I go to therapy now, and it's been a cpl months since the last time I cut, but it's pretty bad when I want to cut, but i force myself not to. There are times that I have panic attacks because I want to cut, and I can't, because hiding it is hard sometimes, especially when I lose control and cut my arm all over the place. I too don't cut to die, I watch very closely where my veins are to be sure not to hit them. I'm the type of cutter that I'm not sure that I really want to stop. Cutting is something that I enjoy, I cut even when I don't have inner pain, just to feel the hurt from my razor is what I like. I have a 4yr old daughter and it tears me apart that I'm a cutter and that I sometimes don't want to stop because I don't want her to do it, I don't want her to see my scars and my marks, I don't want her to grow up thinking her mom is crazy, and can't stop cutting. It should be enough for me to stop cutting for her, because of her, but cutting for all these yrs and doing it because I like it, enjoy it, just doesn't seem like an option for me, and I hate that so much. I hate that I like it, I hate that I sometimes don't want to stop. The times where the thought of not cutting only comes because I need to stop, not because I want to stop
I'd like to try to get on disability if I can for my mental disorders that I have/deal with. Anyway, I wish you much luck in your life, and I commend you on not cutting. I know I'm quite opposite from you, but I'd be more than happy to talk if you need to, and I also have poems about cutting on here too, if you want to read them. Also your poem gave me the idea to write why I cut, because I don't have a poem about that yet, and after reading this, I really want to create that poem now. Not sure when I'll get started, but I'm already thinking of ideas in my head. Thanks for posting this, and bringing cutting into light so more ppl can hopefully understand the meaning of what/who a cutter is, and their reasons for cutting. Sorry this is so long to read, but I just wanted to share that with you, thank you. |
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