Well writen piece, very exciting! One issue i might have is that it could be longer, I want to hear more about the Pilot. Also, the repetition of "Erich" was a bit too much. If it suits you try referring to the character as something else to give the reader a greater sense of sympathy with him. Overall an enjoyable read, can't wait for more; keep me posted!
Regards,
Bill
Once again, an entirely riveting read! Everything i said for the last piece stands for this one! I would, however, like to see developement of the other characters. The closing paragraph is really powerful; strong metaphor and unique simile. When is chapter 3 coming out?!
Bill
Really enjoyable read! I like the changing of tenses and narrative voice, it helps to give the characters a personality that you can seldom see even with a traditional third-person omniscient. The descriptive language is brilliant and the detail given is enough to give a real sense of surrounding but still allowing room for my imagination to work! Good sentence structure variation. I can't wait to start chapter 2!
thanks,
Bill
The story line is great. I like the sound of all the characters. However, i sometimes feel that a variation of setence structure would help to make the piece flow a little better and indeed improve the aesthetics of the piece. Also, I know this is probably intentional, but the enemy could use just a little desricption. Albeit to describe the height of the footsoldiers in the sights of the sniper's rifle, just one snippet of detail to make the mystery a little more tangible! The idea is very exciting and i admire the amount of work you have put into the chapters! I hope one day to be able to write like this myself!
Bill
very well writen, i especially like the use of nine syllables per line... iambic pentameter if im not mistaken... the strict structure gives a good contrast to the child's eye and sense of hopelessness!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wthorniley
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:48pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
