First Impression
The opening is dramatic. The story has a lot of action. The ending invites the reader to contine reading. This is a great first draft.
Plot Thoughts
Hannah is the protagonist. The triviums, and/or overlords, and/or evil creatures are the antagonists. It's not clear how these various antagonists compare or contrast, what there similarities or differences are, whether they're the same entities or not. It's not clear what the underlying conflict is, except of course that Hannah is trying to survive the "evil ones," and the prince seems to be allied with her and against the others.
Errors
First paragraph,second line: feet vice feat.
Second paragraph, last line: feet vice feat.
Fifth paragraph, second line: feet vice feat.
Sixth paragraph, fifth line: lay vice lied.
Last paragraph, eighth line and fourteenth line: consistency -- Blue eye, Blue eyed; or Blue Eye, Blue Eyed.
Favorite Part
The beginning. Very dramatic.
Suggestions
In my view, there's too much narrative and too little dialogue. In fact, there's no dialogue until we get to the very end of the chapter.
You may want to consider fleshing out the underlying conflict a bit more.
Final thoughts
Great first draft. Lots of potential. WRITE ON!
Your story is interesting, and has a lot of potential. You obviously have a great deal of talent. That being said, allow me to make a general comment and offer a suggestion.
The story is about a young writer who is having difficulty in writing. Apparently she's having a hard time finding a topic that resonates with her. We don't know why. She asks her husband for ideas. We don't know why she thinks that he will have ideas when she doesn't, or why she thinks his ideas might be better than hers. She stumbles across an idea and writes a story describing "everything the hunter did in pursuit of the bear." We don't know why that topic interestes her. We don't know what the hunter did, or why. We don't know what happened to the bear. The young writer completes the story quickly, and prays that her editor will appreciate it at least as much as she did. We don't know why she liked her own story. We don't know whether the editor does. In brief, I wasn't able to identify with the character: who she was, what she was really struggling with and why. What was the real confict? And how did she confront whatever it was that was opposing her, struggle with it, resolve it? What can we learn about ourselves from this story?
My suggestion is this, and you probably already guessed it. You may want to consider sharpening and strengthening the conflict, and having your protagonist act so as to reveal her character in dealing with it, so that we can identify with and understand her struggle. It seems to me that the essence of your short story is a struggle of some sort, but I just wasn't able to understand the nature of it.
Again, the story has a great deal of potential, and it's a great beginning.
You gave us a snapshot of grief, a portrait of the eternal questions: Why did this happen to him, to me, to us? And, what is the meaning of suffering?
Great job!
I never give a perfect rating. I seem to be constitutionally unable to do so. So let me give one suggestion, however haltingly. You might consider having Roseanna remember, however fragmentally, something about Jack, e.g., the smell of the aftershave he wore, how he couldn't look her in the eye when he kissed her goodbye, how he left one dirty sneaker in his room as if to say "Please don't forget me." Perhaps I'm asking you to gild the lilly.
You are very gifted. You write colorfully. You use metaphors well. Your writing is pithy and dense: you say a lot, succinctly. You write authentically: the reader believes that the actor is speaking sincerely.
One question that I had was whether the actor, while speaking sincerely, was meant to be taken as positing a truth, or merely an opinion. Your work would, in my opinion, be stronger if the reader was better informed on this point, and perhaps informed at the outset.
To clarify: on the one hand, your work may be taken as showing a process by which a person is destroyed by delusion, arrogance, and self-pity. Even at the end of his life, the actor speaks arrogantly about his new found grasp of "humility." This is a fascinating.
On the other hand, your work may be taken as stating an existential truth, a nugget of wisdom, believed by the author as uttered by the actor. If so, your work is provocative. It caused me, and I'm sure others who have read your work, to think. This is good, regardless of whether the reader agrees with the stated premise.
The problem, at least in my eyes, is that the reader is not sure how to take your work: as a descriptive essay stating a verity, or as a narrative of destruction. This uncertainty erodes the force of the work. It would be stronger, regardless of whether a verity wrapped in a story, or a story revealing a delusion, if the reader knew what he was dealing with. It would have more impact if the reader knew what the author was getting at.
This work is a panygyric, not a biography. This is a rhapsody of praise.
Your work is authentic and passionate. I like that! Often authentic writing reveals more about the author than the subject. I gather from your writing that you are inclined toward the spiritual, evangelical, idealistic. It seems to me that you are enamored with the mystic Marley, and the mystique of Marley. Even if I were not interested in Marley, your work certainly evokes an interest in you.
I think your work might be strengthened by a deeper analysis of Marley's life, of his darker angels; his frustrations, fears, and uncertainties; of the way he grappled with life to derive the meaning which shone through his creative genius.
You might also consider telling the reader a bit more about yourself for the purpose of self-authentication, to give the reader a reason to believe that your opinions are valid.
Marley had a creative genius. You resonate with him because you also have a creative genius. Let it shine. Write On!
I do not read much poetry, and certainly don't consider myself a judge of poetry in particular, or literature in general. I don't have the qualifications. That being said, here are my impressions.
I enjoyed your poem. (That's quite a compliment coming from me.) The first 3 lines were captivating, dramatic, intense. They conveyed emotion. I liked that. However, the next 6 lines seemed to me to be an explanation for why the subject felt "shut out" and "lost," for why he/she was experiencing the emotion, and a lament of unrequited love. In my humble opinion, and it is truly humble and just an opinion, I would have preferred for you to have developed the character more fully, so that I could figure out on my own why the subject was so troubled. I thought the explanation premature and perhaps superfluous. I was confused by the balance of the poem. (Again, it's not hard to confuse me, especially with poetry.) I didn't know whether the subject was deliberately deceitful, or trying to be honest - longing to be honest - but not getting a fair hearing from the other. In any event, let's assume that the subject admits to not telling the truth, and understands that those lies are an obstacle to the formation of a stable and lasting relationship. There is a sense that the subject feels unfairly rejected by the other, pushed away, rejected. The reason for this rejection is not, or so it seems to me, the pride of the subject, but the subject's fear of intimacy (the lies) - the subjective fear of rejection which ultimately precipitates the actual rejection. (Fear, not pride.) And so I was confused by the ending of the poem. In a nutshell, I liked and enjoyed your poem. You set the stage in a powerful and captivating way. However, I would have preferred that you developed the characters or circumstances more fully so that I (on my own) could better understand them, their relationship, and their emotions.
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