This was a very nice short story you put together, showing the everyday life of an office. I think you have a great idea here, and I would love for you to tighten it up a bit, and make it flow a little better. Your descriptiveness in the dialogue is nice, but can be crowded at times. Sometimes dialogue works well when it's short, quipping, and reads fast. Readers, from what I've seen, tend to like this approach a lot better--but that's on you.
Another idea is maybe to flesh our the doldrums of an office. A watercooler? An idiot boss. I'm sure you can think of something that can make this short story sound like Office Space.
You have a neat little story here, Stephanie. First of all, I praise you on your active descriptiveness--I really liked this line:
"I rushed through Maths, blitzed through English, hastened through French and gave Science my best shot."
Second of all, your subject is a tough one to write, specifically since it's about instant messenger on the internet. I really liked how you did this, and would only suggest that maybe you find a creative screenname for your love interest.
Good luck.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writguy89
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 8:35pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
