It sounds like your MC made the right choice: both for lunch and in dumping Mr. Clueless. I enjoyed the dialogue, both internal and verbal. The line "this is the last straw" being said in a diner, with Billy's confusion about physical straws, is perfect. Congrats on contest win.
Something about the periods fits very well with the ominous tone. Free-verse is always hard for me to critique but the 3rd sentence stands out as the best.
I've read several of your new port entries now and I'm interested in the progression of your thoughts. This entry is clear and although not concise, I like the narrator's positivity. Have you considered rhyming in your works? The lines are split like poetry but seem haphazard, without reason. It's ok, but I think you could benefit from trying a constrictive structure of stanzas and rhyme to really force yourself to find the right words. Your repetitive use of the word "change" would likely be forced into synonyms and you could engage the reader better. Keep it up!
There's probably a word for the style of poem, but whatever it is, you've done well when you contrasted the elements of the philosophical, abstract musings under a rainy sky, everything an inward reflection, with the inclusion of the simple word "gun" that brings the reader abruptly out of the narrative mind and into the narrator's concrete reality. I'm rooting for her to decide the path that does not decide to use it.
This was delightfully difficult to read. You used the nuances of the language well and maintained a coherent story as well, at first. The achievement of Bea to shoot her bird at distance while encumbered by circumstance... yet the entrance of the spectator makes the command to stop the boat unclear to me. Who speaks? Perhaps consider a paragraph stanza between the abrupt ending to make the spectator more purposeful. It would be funny to see the spectator end up in dire straights after mocking Bea.
Love it. Rancor and dunce are my favorite included words. Jeopardy and TV is my favorite pair. Overall, the rhyme is maintained and the message clear. I didn't count syllables but the rhythm was steady as I read. I may delight myself in your port later and view other works. Great job!
The beginning of the poem is great -- alliteration and the scene of speedy forest running is fun. The use of Abba rhyme throughout ties the two halves together well, but... for me the scene that was created lacked something. Maybe the line about a win could be changed to shorted it. Charity instead of acts of kindness? This would add an S to "inspire" and pair well with "us". Also would reflect verbally with the hard C of charity against kith and kin. In the same vein, a kind caretaker has better sound, but play with it and see how you might improve it.
Poetry is my favorite format of expression and I feel you've captured the emotion well. There are minor problems:
hatefull-> hateful
there hearts -> their hearts
with in -> within
The poem began with structural rhyme but devolved into freeverse... I would have liked to see the pattern continued.
This is a wonderful story! I love the character and you've done a masterful job showing her to me. I am hooked by this short scene. I have questions about the Sisters of Charity and the character who offered her sponsorship to a guid. I simply want more.
8/6 repeated syllables? It appeared so by my count, with the clever split of bruis-ed. The poem flowed very smoothly and was pleasurable to read on my tongue. The message of it is well-put, somehow blending rhythm, rhyme, and meaning. You managed to use ASD in a way to keep the pattern. Superb poetry.
-"Lauren hung her coat on the back of her chair as she always does" tense agreement.
-the day[,] putting; smile[,] handing... you consistently don't comma these but I think it's grammatical error. I could be wrong.
-bit[,] deep
Otherwise, grammatically great, which i think is impressive for this length.
I like the tone change from Lauren smiling at everyone, being positive despite the people, to happy authentic-smiling Lauren after the care package. Bosses like Mr. Harrison are a treat.
I will run for you to have chase
I will fade to watch you shine
I will set to watch you rise
Nice imagery. Shone/stone pair well even in different sentence structures.
The first line contrasts with the rest of the lines about secrecy, because obviously then the love cannot even be secret. I detect no change in circumstances, so I am left to wonder why initially it was less possible to love in secret.
Instead of This I know", consider "From across the stars." Instead of "its glimpse of you," "your glimpse"?
I might write "The" instead of "These." While the s in these adds a bit of alliteration, the th and gh sounds pair better imo. In the third stanza, the silver shadows is the dew? I would add the calling word "Come," to begin the second line there. In the fourth stanza, isn't there a word you could find to make the rhyme smoother instead of chime/times? It worked in the first stanza but is a bit jarring at the end. I like the ephemeral imagery contrasting with the clock. I also like the collective pronouns, we, our. Great work.
I have no criticism. Sadly, because I read the work several times and surely the piece isn't perfect. I enjoyed it immensely. I hope you win the contest of the 23.
on your wdc anniversary I stumbled across this hidden gem. I'm enchanted by the story as much as the fuzzy manchild is by the water. And also confused, because the character is a drinker on the beach with a truck and a job but is suddenly a baby child, but reincarnation can be confusing so that's okay. My only criticism is wondering why the guy never intentionally and not drunkenly slept more nights in the sand. I like that as the whirlpool is introduced the form of the piece descends into its shape. Was this intentional? Either way, great job. Keep writing.
Overall impression: Also titled, Platos Cave, Remastered. I appreciate the little girl in the bottles struggle. It is told well.
Line 7: replace Things That with What to pair with line 8's beginning?
Line 10/12: I like the rhyme sees/ease
Line 15: "too"
Line 19: consider saying instead of thinking, reflecting back to line 14
Line 23: is To Her necessary?
Line 27: I'm not sure Now is the best word
Last lines: great conclusion tying the end to the beginning with a similar rhyming word.
Fun poem, I enjoyed the read.
The first stanza is great, pairing best and bled in the middle of the lines.
The second stanza is a bit confusing because of the pronouns not referring clearly to a subject. He is burdened with jealousy over you is fairly straightforward, but when you say the passion you planted inside I got confused whether there were two different subject yous. I might conclude one or more of the characters is gay?
The third stanza is longer and more narrative, which works but the language is mild, the word choices lacking umph.
The fourth stanza is my favorite. I like the split of With Doubt from the line it continues from and the contrast of shouting with silence. Cost and kiss as ending words highlight costs hardC sound. The first line of the stanza though... meh.
The final stanza doesn't conclude well. The poem begins with "today I play the fool again," but I am not sure by the end how this was accomplished. I think you can change the line about life's fill without losing anything and potentially add to the resolution.
I had to use a translator to decide the 2nd line is perfect. The whole poem, parfait. The term "give face" is not commonly understood and can be misused, but here the meaning of bestowing honor and respect while plainly referring to giving a place for the tears to fall... excellent.
I enjoyed the first two stanzas more than the 3rd. I might split the first into two, ending with "Insanity" and "Am I insane?" In fact, maintaining a 4-line group might help overall, since the last 3 lines of stanza 2 seem to need a subject for "it" -- insanity or the underbrush? Beginning line there might read: "a new path, a new rut might result," to highlight the digging of new paths vs. old ones, each insane if we tread long enough on them. The ending two lines could stand alone, their different length standing out.
Jesus, that's dark. I love the back-and-forth convo with the spirit of the dead wife. The hesitant word "were" is very appealing because it foreshadows the refusal to accept the loss. The only line that bothers me is the last, but it's hard to critique as it's dialogue and the character may really say that, but it feels forced.
I have a few suggestions.
First, line 2 could read "the molten flakes of desire," Also, I would remove the word That because the alliteration is more pronounced. The landscape, loneliness, loved endings are great. It's less important to me but the word desire being repeated instead of Need might work well. Great job.
Edgar definitely had poor judgement. Snow soup! I like the setup of the scene with dialogue. The opening gives the reader immediate context. And it comes well to a close of the scene. I can imagine their relationship is solid despite Edgar's brutal honesty. My favorite part is Penny's sudden interjection to cut off Penny's perhaps-endless suggestions, then the "sweetie" line that proposed she suggest something. To continue the story, Edgar's could offer to go outside and find berries above the snowline or something, setting up an adventure, or someone could come knocking, straining available space and offering opportunities for new dialogue. Great piece. Keep writing.
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on your wdc anniversary I stumbled across this hidden gem. I'm enchanted by the story as much as the fuzzy manchild is by the water. And also confused, because the character is a drinker on the beach with a truck and a job but is suddenly a baby child, but reincarnation can be confusing so that's okay. My only criticism is wondering why the guy never intentionally and not drunkenly slept more nights in the sand. I like that as the whirlpool is introduced the form of the piece descends into its shape. Was this intentional? Either way, great job. Keep writing.
I appreciate the little girl in the bottles struggle. It is told well.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Edgar definitely had poor judgement. Snow soup! I like the setup of the scene with dialogue. The opening gives the reader immediate context. And it comes well to a close of the scene. I can imagine their relationship is solid despite Edgar's brutal honesty. My favorite part is Penny's sudden interjection to cut off Penny's perhaps-endless suggestions, then the "sweetie" line that proposed she suggest something. To continue the story, Edgar's could offer to go outside and find berries above the snowline or something, setting up an adventure, or someone could come knocking, straining available space and offering opportunities for new dialogue. Great piece. Keep writing.