I really enjoyed this short drama. You built a character that I cared about and drew up real feelings of sadness within me. Bravo!
The structure of this story is intriguing. I liked how it began with her getting dressed for the wedding, it made me want to know why she was feeling so poorly, and instead of telling the reason, you flashed back and showed the scene where it all fell apart before bringing us back to her on her wedding day.
I like both versions of this poem, Verm. However, the first version stands out in my mind more. Each image pulls itself out individually and yet still manages to mesh with the rest to create a vivid single image and idea within the poem.
Thank you for sharing the story of your new kitten with us, I found it quite amusing. "Ming" sounding like "mean" was especially cute, my brother did something similar when we got a dog years ago. The dog was named Lady, but my brother thought she was Katie so instead of trying to teach him the difference we changed the name to Katie.
Suggestions for improvement
This part is not punctuated properly. Taylor said "that she like that name too." Because you paraphrased what Taylor said (I'm assuming Taylor would have said "I like" not "that she like") you should not use quotation marks. The sentence should look like this: Taylor said that she liked that name too.
I like the ideas of this poem and the truth of high school you are conveying. You've got some excellent imagery here, I like: Your once melodious voice,
now warbles in my mind.
This piece seems a little rough in places though. Try reading this aloud and playing with the words to create a more coherent rhythm.
There’s nothing like a good spitting contest every once in awhile. The story is great, but the ending seems a little abrupt, Mr. Young gives in much too easily. He should resist just a little at first to make it believable. I know he’s worried about losing his job, but he ought to have a few moments of disbelief before feeling completely defeated.
Spelling/Grammar
1 out of 1
No mistakes that I can find.
Language Use
1 out of 1
Your dialogue flows naturally, it doesn’t sound forced or strained.
I love your descriptions! My favorite is the opaque glob of spit. I also like that Ralph has a pocket protector.
Content
1 out of 1
Your story is very realistic. The characters are believable and consistent throughout.
Layout
.5 out of .5
A simple layout with double-spacing between the paragraphs makes a story so easy to read. J’adore!
All that glitters
.5 out of .5
Your descriptions of the actions and the realistic quality of Jack’s thoughts make this piece something special.
Your rating: 4.5
Remember that if you don’t like my suggestions, don’t use them, it is your writing to change as you wish. If you do make changes, I would be more than happy to come back and re-read/re-rate this item, just let me know. If you have any questions about how I review see "Invalid Item"
Being that I live in Backwoods Hickville, NY I totally appreciate this piece. Shakespeare with a hick spin is a hilarious thing (my freshman English class taught me that) and you have done an excellent job with it. Your translations are clever.
Spelling/Grammar
.5 out of 1
She is dressed in a muu muu of yellow with printed flowers all over it. Muumuu is actually one word, not two.
Roy is scraggly looking, his uncombed black hair and sprouting cowlick are accented by his wrinkled brown suit. The comma after looking should be either a semi-colon or a period.
. Several haybales are stacked up on the other side about ten or twelve feet high. I believe hay bales is two words.
She accidently slips on a cowpie and noisily ends up on her butt with her feet in the air.
1. accidently should be spelled accidentally.
2. cow pie is two words
Language Use
1 out of 1
Superb! This piece is all about language use. You chose creative ways to alter Shakespeare’s work to suit hicks.
Content
1 out of 1
Your content and intro ratings are perfect.
This piece is a little exaggerated, but it’s supposed to be. The characters are wonderfully stupid.
Layout
.5 out of .5
Excellent layout. The double-spacing and bold letters make it easy on the eyes. You need a space between these two lines though: Romeo (looking very confused): My name? I can’t tell ya my name, cuz I hate it myself. It is an enemy to me?
Ms. Jones (becoming quite frustrated): My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words. Yet I know the sound: Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?
All that glitters
.5 out of .5
I smiled, I laughed, what more can I ask for in a comedy?
Your rating: 4.5
Remember that if you don’t like my suggestions, don’t use them, it is your writing to change as you wish. If you do make changes, I would be more than happy to come back and re-read/re-rate this item, just let me know. If you have any questions about how I review see
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5.0
Great poem to go with that image!
