I really enjoyed this short drama. You built a character that I cared about and drew up real feelings of sadness within me. Bravo!
The structure of this story is intriguing. I liked how it began with her getting dressed for the wedding, it made me want to know why she was feeling so poorly, and instead of telling the reason, you flashed back and showed the scene where it all fell apart before bringing us back to her on her wedding day.
I like both versions of this poem, Verm. However, the first version stands out in my mind more. Each image pulls itself out individually and yet still manages to mesh with the rest to create a vivid single image and idea within the poem.
Thank you for sharing the story of your new kitten with us, I found it quite amusing. "Ming" sounding like "mean" was especially cute, my brother did something similar when we got a dog years ago. The dog was named Lady, but my brother thought she was Katie so instead of trying to teach him the difference we changed the name to Katie.
Suggestions for improvement
This part is not punctuated properly. Taylor said "that she like that name too." Because you paraphrased what Taylor said (I'm assuming Taylor would have said "I like" not "that she like") you should not use quotation marks. The sentence should look like this: Taylor said that she liked that name too.
You've got a typo here though, you left out a space: Embraced by Emptiness,there was no escape
She opened and gave herself
Smelled the fragrance of freshly cut grass
This is a little awkward and doesn't entirely make sense to me. She gave herself to what? The world? Peace? Appreciation?
Your last stanza blew my mind. It pulled everything together very well, and left me with that excellent image: Of star-drops and the light of fireflies in the dark
Again, I like what I see here. Imagery and ideas, a strong sense of yourself and the world. My only concern is the last stanza. Is it necessary? To me, you wrap up the poem very well in the previous one, and just drag it out a little too long by beginning to tell what the poem is about. This poem is about power, and would show much more of that without using the word.
I love the Beatles, and George Harrison is brilliant. You really know your stuff when it comes to him and you have taken that and your imagery skills to create a beautiful tribute to one great musician.
My only suggestion is that maybe you could find something to replace Strawberry fields forever with at the end of this stanza:
They stabbed you
Ten times through your frail being
Strawberry fields forever
The only reason is that Strawberry Fields always makes me think of John Lennon well before Harrison, but maybe that's just me.
As usual you've used excellent imagery in this piece. You have great talent in that area.
For this piece I would suggest using some punctuation at the end of lines, punctuation is a choice in poetry, but I think this piece needs it. Some lines require pauses at the end, others do not and I found myself stumbling in places because of it.
A couple other points: Suddenly I see, colors glowing all around me
Luminiscent greens, pink and crimson lake
Here, the comma creates an unnatural pause after Suddenly I see. Also, the word lake jumped out at me, it didn't seem like the natural place for this line to go. You didn't attach the greens to anything, why the other colors? You could try that line as: Luminescent greens, shades of pink and crimson
My suggestion for this is read this poem aloud several times and mark where you naturally pause, add punctuation in these places.
I loved the final stanza of this poem, it drew me in and made me trust your feeling of peace in that environment.
I like the ideas of this poem and the truth of high school you are conveying. You've got some excellent imagery here, I like: Your once melodious voice,
now warbles in my mind.
This piece seems a little rough in places though. Try reading this aloud and playing with the words to create a more coherent rhythm.
This poem is beautiful and flows well. I read it aloud to myself, the words flow smoothly together like a tapestry woven of the finest silk. Your word choice is impeccable, I love this line: O Otters of the waters of Tekkadi Imagery is strong throughout with Velvet umber fur and tiny webbed feet and No more caught in a fisherman’s net
Haute couture design on an elegant neck striking emotion.
After reading this I feel like I’ve seen these otters, that I’ve experienced just a little piece of Tekkadi with its Teakwood trees. Thank you for telling their story. It reminded me of the beauty of the world and why we should strive to keep it safe.
There’s nothing like a good spitting contest every once in awhile. The story is great, but the ending seems a little abrupt, Mr. Young gives in much too easily. He should resist just a little at first to make it believable. I know he’s worried about losing his job, but he ought to have a few moments of disbelief before feeling completely defeated.
Spelling/Grammar
1 out of 1
No mistakes that I can find.
Language Use
1 out of 1
Your dialogue flows naturally, it doesn’t sound forced or strained.
I love your descriptions! My favorite is the opaque glob of spit. I also like that Ralph has a pocket protector.
Content
1 out of 1
Your story is very realistic. The characters are believable and consistent throughout.
Layout
.5 out of .5
A simple layout with double-spacing between the paragraphs makes a story so easy to read. J’adore!
All that glitters
.5 out of .5
Your descriptions of the actions and the realistic quality of Jack’s thoughts make this piece something special.
Your rating: 4.5
Remember that if you don’t like my suggestions, don’t use them, it is your writing to change as you wish. If you do make changes, I would be more than happy to come back and re-read/re-rate this item, just let me know. If you have any questions about how I review see "Invalid Item"
Being that I live in Backwoods Hickville, NY I totally appreciate this piece. Shakespeare with a hick spin is a hilarious thing (my freshman English class taught me that) and you have done an excellent job with it. Your translations are clever.
Spelling/Grammar
.5 out of 1
She is dressed in a muu muu of yellow with printed flowers all over it. Muumuu is actually one word, not two.
Roy is scraggly looking, his uncombed black hair and sprouting cowlick are accented by his wrinkled brown suit. The comma after looking should be either a semi-colon or a period.
. Several haybales are stacked up on the other side about ten or twelve feet high. I believe hay bales is two words.
She accidently slips on a cowpie and noisily ends up on her butt with her feet in the air.
1. accidently should be spelled accidentally.
2. cow pie is two words
Language Use
1 out of 1
Superb! This piece is all about language use. You chose creative ways to alter Shakespeare’s work to suit hicks.
Content
1 out of 1
Your content and intro ratings are perfect.
This piece is a little exaggerated, but it’s supposed to be. The characters are wonderfully stupid.
Layout
.5 out of .5
Excellent layout. The double-spacing and bold letters make it easy on the eyes. You need a space between these two lines though: Romeo (looking very confused): My name? I can’t tell ya my name, cuz I hate it myself. It is an enemy to me?
Ms. Jones (becoming quite frustrated): My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words. Yet I know the sound: Art thou not Romeo and a Montague?
All that glitters
.5 out of .5
I smiled, I laughed, what more can I ask for in a comedy?
Your rating: 4.5
Remember that if you don’t like my suggestions, don’t use them, it is your writing to change as you wish. If you do make changes, I would be more than happy to come back and re-read/re-rate this item, just let me know. If you have any questions about how I review see
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5.0
Great poem to go with that image!
