Mamma also waits so patiently, but for some mysterious reason she is being verbally harassed by the other patrons, who steadfastly and patiently harass her while waiting for their upcoming portion of daily gruel.
~ 'harass' and 'harassed' in the same line - sounds odd
Overall:
Enjoyable, lots of complicated language, a poetic quality to it.
Her bra pointed her breast forward under her red blouse.
~ only one boob? :O
Hiper-drive
~ hyper?
Other:
"Thank you. I lust to bite off your head, but I know you cannot grow another. I will return to the hive and make the name of Frizzle immortal." Sarah could not weep. She had no tear ducts and scurried off to an escape pod.
~ this paragraph made it for me, love the humour. I loled.
Cute story, and I love how you described the shared obsession with reading - no mistakes I could find but then that was expected based on the content/author :P
Wow, very powerful. I didn't see the end coming, it was beautifully revealed.
A few grammar mistakes, for example:
Ocean / The ocean
angry on me / angry with me
sand used twice too close together
When he didn’t intend to deliver the letter to his wife than... / If he didn’t intend to deliver the letter to his wife then...
I believe that if you work on your grammar, you will become a truly gifted writer.
That still meant it would still take four years to arrive after launch.
~ still x2 (probably ok, just sounds odd)
...it as I thought of Capitan Kirk
~ Captain (kudos for the trek :))
They were, Bish's idea and they worked perfectly.
~ don't think comma is needed
"She right on target."
~ She's
The happy sounds of hands slapping high fives and people celebrating was the sweetest music to my ears.
~ were
Other:
In those six months off line, she was slightly off course which is why she may miss us, if we can't control her approach.
~ sounds "explainy" if you know what I mean
...things ran through my mind as if on a loop
~ probably ok, I just might change it to "... as if stuck in a loop"
So in the next three hours, I want to run through all of our scenarios."
~ might swap 'in' for 'over'
...ending my short-lived solitude.
~ like this line, really good
Overall:
It was cool. I like how after introducing the character name you went to refer to the second as "Bish", got a feel for the relationship more. Character development was nice. I liked it, just wanted to feel more tension when the telemetry was lost. Nice.
Well written and engaging. I really want to know what happens next. Thoughts pop up of an abduction though whether it's military or extra-terrestrial is the bigger question in mind - awesome stuff :)
I have to say that the grammar needs work, below are only a few suggestions - more needed:
subway car and followed the crowd to the exit
~ already got 'and' earlier in the sentence, perhaps change to "subway car to follow the crowd -"
Not reaching the escalator
~ maybe change to "Upon reaching -"
between infinite mass
~ change to "between an infinite mass"
Very seldom something
~ "Seldom did something"
It was dull morning
~ add 'a'
their happy life, which is called work
~"their happy life, called work" (not sure on this one)
Other:
I really liked the idea of deciding whether or not to "wake up" the girl. Like we are all half-asleep zombies on our way to work. This idea was captured very nicely.
Overall:
Some very complicated language but it's embedded in some low-level grammar which makes for many issues. I would work on your grammar before learning new words at this point because the sentence structure takes away too much from the story. That said I still liked it, you have a gift for writing which needs to be nurtured and developed because once you have your grammar firmly set - you will write a masterpiece. Good!
Rico Riley was everything Jack was not at this particular moment
~ tempted to remove "at this particular moment" to give more depth
obvious level of athleticism
~ using 'obvious' here in this way makes me dislike the character a bit (not sure why) - use just "a level" perhaps?
Everyone present huddled closely around her, promptly disappearing in a flash of light a puff of purple smoke, just as a swarm of uniformed officers crowded into the moonlit warehouse.
~ 'and' between light / a puff of
Other:
If he had been a spiritual man, he would certainly wonder what he had done to annoy this lunar watchdog so
~ great line
Young boy wearing the female outfit? Or is it a unisex outfit? Confused me a bit there (said all dressed the same)
Overall:
The overall tone feels arrogant. It's hard to describe, but the female characters weren't appealing. That said, it's still a very well-written piece - nice work! :)
I can't find a single thing wrong with it, some dedicated editing going on.
Other:
"... the place would have normally started to groove as one multi-headed life form."
~ love this line
Overall:
Fantastic flow, and the descriptions of the characters really give you a feel for them. I particularaly enjoyed the flash analysis of Ralphy and the conclusion Gib came to.
I could easily spend the next 3 hours reading more, the humour is just right and the writing style is smooth and sucks you in. Talented.
I know you don’t see time unless I show it to you through this connect ion we have
~ connect ion
Other:
"The tapestry of time..."
~ nice phrase
Overall:
Once the story got going with Jerome and Cassie I really got sucked in - rapid character development - it felt like they were real people.
I might be tempted to cut out the beginning section with the dying father - or rewrite with more struggling/interrupting of words (not sure).
I love the logic/idea of seeing time like threads and as this was further developed I totally bought into the structure and of course the mystery of "The Others" and the "Guardians" played further into that system which really tickled my inner geek.
It's a truly, beautifully weaved story and I want to read more!
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