Interesting premise, and as a fan of Margaret Atwood, I will say don't worry about it sounding like a rip off of Handmaiden's Tale, in which women do not really have power. I also wouldn't worry about it seeming like men must take control through brute force in your society - after all, women are the only ones with access to power. Some additional clarification on this society might include who raises the children. Is it a valued task in this society held by women? Is it an undervalued task left to men? What role/status do children hold?
You pack a very strong punch in such a short tale. The plays on dream/memory/imagination are utilized to great effect.
But it seems that a revelation as to why the memory/murderer would begin to affect Ben at this time 42 years after his friend's passing, as opposed to a random cause, would strengthen the storyline. Maybe he deals with a similar case at work as a cop that triggers the memory/murderer's return?
Gripping tale. The horrific descriptions of what happened to Jack Stone's and Elizabeth's victims, and later to Jack Stone, Elizabeth, and the guard by the aliens, were vivid and disturbing. There are also quite wonderful metaphors and similes scattered throughout the tale.
I do have a few suggestions for a rewrite:
1) I would suggest sharing more of Patient 31's story or cause for institution (and his cause of death) in a rewrite, since he was also mentioned in detail.
2) Why did Tony feel a need to play hero - providing a motive for risking himself to help Ray and even the mental patients themselves, would add to the story. Especially with a pregnant wife and child already born, not to mention dealing with exhaustion from lack of sleep, why would Tony think he could save the day?
3) Rather than explicitly telling the reader the emotions or type of expressions the characters make, is there a way to describe their facial expressions and body language to convey those emotions? for example: "Her expression was one of shock and disbelief" > why does a shocked, disbelieving expression look like?
4) The story is told from the past tense, except for the first sentence, where you may wish to change "watches" to "watched."
I would be happy to take a look at a rewrite, especially if you add more content regarding Patient 31's past and death, and more about Tony's motivation to play savior.
You have a way with metaphors that really brings the reader into the story. My one suggestion would be to try to incorporate the deaths of Will's son and wife through more vividly told flashbacks as opposed to simply informing; this will make the tragedy and shock of their deaths all the more so. The ending brilliantly portrays the title of the piece, and it was an enjoyable read.
The twisted ending was at once brilliant and disturbing. Mat is characterized as inspiring story teller so well, and the reader really comes to feel for Jenny, her husband, and daughter, right up to that final chilling paragraph. Perhaps you could include some flashbacks of Scott, Jenny's playmate, to have the reader get a bit more attached to him, as well, which would make the revelation of his fate all the more gruesome and haunting for the reader. Otherwise, titillating tale.
Nice rhythm and rhyming. The poem mentions a singular "subject," but multiple "Issues" in different lines; is the discussion about a particular controversial topic or many? Some more specificity about these touchy matters of debate would add more depth to the piece in my opinion; the vague reference just leaves too much open.
An adorable, engaging story from start to finish. Just a few questions to add some details to the tale: Who got Bingo; do the two families share the baby? One other small one is, the opening of the work states "feed the dogs" but only one is specifically mentioned. Where was/were the other dog(s) during Sammie and Lulu's frisky frolicking?
Very well written glimpses into the worlds of Malaco and the Detective. The dialogue is very engaging, and the descriptions of the characters themselves paint an important picture.
My one suggestion for edit: Detective Steve and Wang never do ask Malaco why she was allowed to go on the swing set herself, so that may be a bit of dialogue you want to add to the rewrite to add to their initial confusion of how she seemed to hold dominance over her priest abductor.
Well written piece. It begs the question if we are all just illusions... is there really even a "true essence" of who we are?
The imagery of the rainbow and mirror work well. Can you maybe play with images of light with darkness or shadows for the purpose of the theme, as well, if you wish to expand?
Beautiful poem. I especially love the description of New Orleans as home of the Voo Doo queens. My one suggestion is that while the tale is of lovers whose love led to their untimely demise, it seems that it also centers on the love beyond death (reprieve from the curse), rather than the curse and death itself, and therefore, a title such as "I Love You... Beyond Death" may capture the hopeful essence of the poem more thoroughly.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wordspell
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 10:25pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
