I like it. There's a good balance of character development and exposition easing the reader into the world you are creating while making it feel organic and unforced. foreshadowing and open questions drive the reader's thirst for the next bit of information. As a draft, it has some verb confusion and a curiously physically aggressive female (maybe) love interest.
Only a couple things stuck out as rough; the primary one being "lovely set of tits" as it makes your protagonist less sympathetic when there are a million other ways to say that the girl has a slammin' body in a way that oozes desire instead or creeper or crass vibes.
Looking forward to seeing this develop!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/woodwardit
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 11:10pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
