This has a very traditional and classical style (kind of formal). The rhymes are appropriate, never forced, and the story has an ache, sealed in the tragic last line.
People who try to write love poems here at this web site should read and learn from this piece. You take an old idea and give it life by using details only you could dream up. That is the secret to writing.
It sounds like honest feelings and a realistic look at those feelings. There is certainly something lost andor gained in entanglements. Why are we so desparate for them? Are we there to give or get, and what becomes of the "self" in the process?
This has a nice bite to it and strikes at the shallowness of our culture (particularly the mediapop side of it).
We constantly receive the message to remain young in appearance and to always appear to have your life "together." The cultural message is: Failure to do so will have serious social consequences.
And the pursuit of such shallow goals leaves you little more than a child (in a bad way- more childish than child-like).
I like the introepective nature of this piece. The observations are subtle and quite believable. It paints the menatal landscape of introversion well in an even handed way.
I like this line:
"intellectually holding tea parties and snobily asserting superiority with nothing to back it up."
I hold the same kind of internal tea party, but sticking my assertions out there for public examination doesn't appeal to me. I may not present them well enough, as you suggest in the hand-raisng segment, and suffer the consequences.
I like the TV and clock images, and the final list of illnesses is very rythmic (like rap). I feel like chanting it, or jumping rope to it.
This is a truly gorgeous piece of transcendence. In fact, what with my personal loose screws, I sometimes fantasize a similar transition, and your poem beautifully captures the emotion.
This line captures a haunting melancholy:
"I have survived the shadows of September’s strongest sun."
The ideas and word choices in the final stanza are particularly affecting as this spiritual being breaks free to a world of only beauty.
This is but one of the fine phrases:
"I will abandon binding skin and heartbeat caged in bone."
I like this one, but my understanding may have some gaps . There are phrases that I like, but don't necessarily understand them in a literal sense, though I don't think I have to understand every word. For whatever reason, it conjures Eddie Murphy doing "Mr. Robinson's neighborhood" on "Saturday Night Live."
It leaves me with impressions; a lost job, bills to pay without means (open up a vein), a dead child, the grimness of the news, something mental snapping under these stresses, ending with the narrator watching ugly visions of a children’s show. By the end, the narrator sounds spent.
I also like the language, with the street talk grammar errors.
I like the sparse language and the use of lower case lettering, especially "i am alone." It adds a small, common-ness to the action. (with 8 billion people, how can death be anything but small and common?)
I like this best:
a river sips
your blooming blood and brain bouquet
and exhales a soul.
It makes me think of those cartoons where a character places his finger in a gun barrel, and it explodes like a bloom. "Exhales a soul" is a nice phrase.
I also like "the sudden taste of its seed"
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