Hi Scribe,
My name is Wint (short for Winston). I am 61 and my last lessons in writing came in high school, obviously many years ago. I also am a long time writer and have been told, by those who know and love me, that I am a good one.
So, here is my review, for what it is worth ...
Overall Impression:
I remained engaged while reading your story and never needed to review what I had just read to maintain context within the flow of the story. In my opinion, this is no small feat and a mark of "good writing".
A favorite saying of mine is, "The examined life is a hard one. The unexamined life is not worth living." Considering this, I am drawn to stories like this one and I feel you did a good job in being transparent with your emotions.
To be engaged in a story I must "care" about the characters and I did care about you, and could relate to you, as I read your story.
Nice job!
Plot:
I felt/sensed the tension in the story growing to the climax, which I guess was also the ending. The plot might have included a point of conflicted emotion around not being called sooner, or when you anticipated. This might have given you an opportunity to further define/amplify your emotions and struggles to manage them.
Style and Voice:
I am fairly new to reviewing and do not have a clear sense of what is called for in this section of this "review template". I'll just say here that you maintained a steadiness in your telling that seemed to facilitate a flow to the story.
Scene/Setting:
I appreciate clever (clever in a good way) mechanics of writing that allow the reader to "learn" about characters from dialog and descriptive text, e.g. I learned Tom is your husband in this manner. Having said that, your opening paragraph, you might have opened with "Walking into the waiting room ..." to provide the user immediate orientation to the type room you walked into.
Characters:
I found myself wanting to know more about the quality of relationship Tom beyond his being your loving husband.
Was the receptionist denying her acquaintance with you?
The older couple that came in ... you might have better woven you thoughts about them into the mechanics you use to manage your life day by day.
What were your emotions when the little jumped off her seat? You leave the reader to make a mental leap. That can be "OK", I made that leap but it may not have been where you wanted me to go. Maybe that was you intent.
Grammar and Mechanics:
In this sentence ... "Tom squeezed my hand and smiled, maybe we were both thinking the same thing." Consider replacing the word "maybe" with "as though". Also consider dropping the word "both". I tend to run long on words and am always looking for words which contribute little to nothing to a sentence. I find this results in content that may be read intuitively and allow the reader a faster pace. I strive to not make the reader think about the words, but rather the message.
Earlier comments in this review seem incongruous with the paragraph above. This is not my intent and I offer the suggestions above as ways you might further improve your (already) good writing skills.
In this sentence ... "As he left I took a deep breath, and looked around, a group of women in a waiting room", the second comma is not needed and the sentence might read better as "As Tom left the room I took a deep breath and looked around and saw a group of women in a waiting room".
Suggestions:
Continue to take risks. Telling even unknown readers what scares you in life is risky business as it requires owning, and looking at, the fear. This is true of other emotions as well, but fear is most powerful, in my opinion, and the one that will have the most draw for your audience.
Lastly, I will definitely read another of your stories should I notice one. I'll be a repeat customer so to speak, which is one of my primary goals as a writer.
Hope this helps.
Wint |