Dear Pollo Mark, I am reviewing your "Earth: Survival" as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Story Strengths:
The entire story was itneresting, and since it was arranged into a journal it felt more personal and like I could see what was going on, how things were progressing in society. It also made it more episodic which I enjoyed as well. The word choice was good for the most part and carried the flow and tone well.
In your first entry you are able to build up the story fairly well as a starting point. I also like how you said about bringing hope to Hope City.
The twist at the end about the leader of the bandits being Tom was also completely unsuspected and interesting.
The way you ended it was also very interesting, to take a story that was so simple and entertaining to read and then offer a lesson out of it simply stated at the end so that it would be apparent to readers who didn't go that deep into it was a clever idea.
Suggestions:
On your July 9th entry, it seems minor I know, but to me it sounds better having "Before the attack, Tom..." instead of "Also, before the attack, Tom..." because the way it is now just kind of breaks the flow a bit in my opinion.
In your August 5th entry, maybe try using a different word that means the same thing as "away" since you are using it twice so close together. Again, something minor, but it sounds better. Maybe "...but it seems to be getting more and more distant." Or something to that effect.
You may want to try finding some replacements for the word "also" throughout your writing as well. We all have words we tent to use more often than others, and that was the main one for you. It just kind of stuck out to me every time I ran into it again and again. A new way to state it or just getting rid of it entirely and changing the sentence to work without it would improve the story well.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
July 8th: Your sentence that has "Diana and I" should actually be "Diana and me." It may sound wrong, but grammatically speaking it is correct. My teachers always told me an easy way to check is by taking out the other person's name and seeing if it is still grammatically correct, which would work better with "me" in this instance. http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/...
In July 17th, it should be "the dark bags are" instead of "the dark bags is" because bags is plural and would need a state of being verb that reflects that such as are instead of is which would work if the bags were singular.
Title and Description:
The title is quite fitting as it does deal with surviving the new earth that is at the time in your story and it sets a tone that there are things going on that will prove a challenge to that very survival. It isn't only survival against the bandits and starvation either, it mixes in a bit of the ordeal of emotional survival with Diana's situation.
I feel the description could be worded slightly better to give a more direct idea about what the story is about, but I can't deny that I read it regardless, so if you want to keep it as is then it will still be fine.
Imagery and Emotions:
There was not a major amount of imagery involved, but the imagery that was there was needed and did help with the story. You could go far deeper with imagery to paint the world and make it more realistic, but for the purpose you had in writing I believe it was sufficient.
As far as emotions, the story kept me feeling suspense and unease as I went through it as I'm sure the characters would have felt. There was excitement and curiosity to see if Diana would get her wedding and how it would go. Worry that the attack on the bandits wouldn't go well or that they would overwhelm everyone. Despair once everything fell apart and it was just about keeping each other alive. And regret at the end, for having the leader of the bandits make it so very far into the society without knowing any better. Your story does manage to bring forth a variety of emotions that are beneficial to it.
If you write anything else like this or decide to write more onto this, make sure to let me know! I love post-apocalyptic stories for some reason.
William Kail
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Dear Freja, I am reviewing your "Grandma's Woods" as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Story Strengths:
The story is very well written, the descriptions sound great, and the vocabulary used helps the story to shine. The story remains mysterious and keeps the reader wanting to know what is going to happen next, so the suspense factor is definitely working through the entire work. The font and centering whenever she was reading the letter was also well used.
Suggestions:
Throughout the story you switch between past and present tense fairly often. That makes it a bit more confusing to whomever is reading and harder to follow the story along. All you really need to do to fix it is figure out the tense that would work better and then adjust your verbs and words that are affected by verbs to match that tense. There are some times when you would need to switch between tenses, but for the most part you should stick with just one. Since you go from the past where she met him to where she is reflecting on it, you could use different tenses for those times, but make sure that in those sections you maintain only one tense.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In the sixth line from the top, "it's" should be "its."
your line "We were climbing down, you were trying to climb down, and you slipped" sounds a bit repetitive. Maybe "We were all climbing down and you slipped." would work better?
"I cringed in pain, when did that get there?" Should be two seperate sentences because the comma isn't enough to make the flow work.
Also, where you have " I was a troll and now were having" it should be "we're"
William Kail
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Dear sylvia, I am reviewing your "The hunted" as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Story Strengths:
The story is very well written for the most part. You get all the needed details in quickly, a very important thing while writing short stories, and make sure that it is explained clearly enough for readers to think they know all that they need to while you hide key facts until later. The concept of the story was really interesting, seeing the events from the eyes of dear first and making it seem like they were from humans to amplify the tension and the need to find out what is going on up until it is revealed that they weren't actually people after all.
Suggestions:
It is really minor, but some of the spacing in this is just awkward. It may be because you have double spacing turned on, though I'm not positive. It just looks bad to me where there is so much extra space in between lines.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In your very first line, you forgot the period at the end.
Your line "Come with me but quietly I'll prove it to you." Would look better if it was instead "Come with me, but quietly. I'll prove it to you."
In "The woods was quiet now," woods is plural, so your verb would need to go with that and be were.
In " "Ah, this is the live" said the the older of the three." You have The twice and live should be life.
in "The're drinking and won't venture into the woods for fear of getting lost." You forgot the y in They're.
They are just some small things to fix up, but once you have done that, the story will be far more aesthetically pleasing and will flow much better too. I hope this helps!
William Kail
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Dear Argonaut, I am reviewing your "Fellow Traveler" as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Poem Strenghts:
The concept of your poem is indeed interesting, and one that I'm sure many people consider at one point or another. Wandering through the world alone, with everyone else being a solitary traveler on their own journey. Your poem accurately brings that image and feeling to mind, leaving the reader feeling vaguely as if they are walking toward some destination with a guide whispering in their ear.
Suggestions:
Maybe it is just me, but I feel like the last line of the poem doesn't quite feel like it fleshes out the poem as well as it could. Just the phrasing of it kind of makes it lose some value from the meaning I think you are trying to go for. Also, there appear to be a lot of spacing issues throughout. Some places in between words it looks as though you hit the space bar twice instead of just once and looks kind of sloppy because of it. I don't know if everyone will be bothered by it, but it just bothers me particularly and kind of distracted most of my attention away from the poem the first time I read through it.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
First line: Im should be I'm.
Third line: Again, Im should be changed to I'm.
Sixth line: The word at the beginning of your second sentence, each, should be capitalized.
Eight line: Dont should be corrected to Don't.
It is still a good poem regardless, the minor issues with it just detract from its true value. If you correct a few things it will be far better, and I know it will get higher review for it! Keep writing!
William Kail
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hello Dove. After reading through "Young Love" , I had a few things to say:
Story Strengths:
This poem is extremely well written and captures the feelings of lost love perfectly. The vocabulary that is in this and the word choices definitely help to make it far more powerful than it would have been without them. I also liked how you ended it, saying that even now everything gets judged by those memories, a real part of that experience that some people forget about or don't understand. The color choice for the text, though something I am not usually a fan of, works very well here, the lighter color giving the poem a lighter and almost reminiscent feel to it.
Suggestions:
It depends on your opinion of the matter, I just thought that a more affective pause would be a period after your second line rather than a comma. Also, the first section just seems different from the rest since it has five lines vs. the four lines all the others have. It is not a major deal, but it just stands out a bit to me.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
In the third line, hearts should be changed to heart's to show that the feelings belong to the heart and that it isn't talking about multiple hearts. The fifth line, there needs to be an apostrophe in your can't.
Overall, this was a very well written poem with just a few minor mistakes in it.
William Kail
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your poem follows an interesting concept and was enjoyable to read through. One major tip I have is that your one verse "But to far too reach" you have the "to" and "too" in the wrong order. It should be "But too far to reach" instead. A minor thing, but still big enough that someone reading through it that notices could get hung up on. Still a good poem regardless.
Wow. Your poem does a great job of capturing the feelings of loss of love and having no way to get it back. I have felt the same things, so it definitely resonated well with me. Your word choice is excellent and really helps to convey the meaning as much as possible. You definitely made it possible to feel what you were talking about. Good job.
The main thing I would have to say is that maybe add punctuation at the end of some lines, even if it is just a comma for a pause instead of a period for a complete break in sentence flow. It may not seem needed, but it can help make it so that your readers pause where you want them to pause and read it at the pace you had envisioned it to be read at.
Overall, I have to say it is a really good job. I hope you continue to write, I know it helps give me a great outlet whenever I need to express something. Keep up the good work.
Although short, this is a really cute poem that I'm sure she was, or will be, happy to receive. The way that you only felt the need to rhyme on certain verses really worked for the benefit of the poem, not making it feel forced at all and kind of allowing more flow in it than it might have otherwise. Overall, good job with it, and I hope your fiance enjoys it.
This is definitely a well worded poem. The vocabulary you used for it and the word choices you used definitely made this poem more powerful than if things had been worded differently. The main criticism I have is with the punctuation. There isn't a ton of it, which could work if that was a look you were going for, but I feel that if you added more punctuation to it, then it would be able to get even more across in some spots, and in others it would just be more significant if readers took a pause at certain places in the poem. Still, it is a very well worded poem, and I hope you keep it up.
It is a really different sort of poem from what I am used to reading, but not in a bad way. To me, and sorry if this isn't a good thing in your opinion, it kind of had a Doctor Seuss type feel to it. Though I do like the feel to it, it would make slightly more sense to readers if it had a rhyme scheme that was either stated somewhere or more obvious to find. It is a minor thing, just a tip others have passed on to me for whenever I use rhymes here and there, though it is definitely written well enough that you can find the rhymes that are there without searching too hard and it flows pretty well. The lack of punctuation could be either a good or bad thing considering what you are going for, but personally, I don't think it detracts from the poem because of the feel I got from it. Make sure to keep writing, I can't wait to see more of your work.
It certainly isn't bad, and it is an interesting poem, but I noticed various minor flaws that added up. First, your line "It’s like my brain is in it’s exhaust" has the improper form of its for the second time. It should be "It’s like my brain is in its exhaust." And also in that part, lines 13 through 16 all have the word "in" as part of them and it just sounds kind of awkward and repetitive to me. Every time in your poem that you use the phrase "writer's block" you need to make sure that you have an apostrophe in for "writer's," something I noticed you were lacking throughout. In your verse "Writers block set me free," I also feel like you should have "Writer's block, set me free" for it to sound like you want to be rid of the writer's block, rather than how it sounds right now, that the writer's block is what is setting you free. I feel as if you could possibly use a stronger word that "formatting" to get your point across in your verses that say "No new idea’s formatting, it’s a drag" unless you intended for them to bring to mind formatting style on computers, but it could be more powerful otherwise. Besides that, there is just some awkward phrasing throughout, but it can definitely become much better with a few small changes to it, overall it is an interesting poem and idea, and I hope you are able to fix up a few of the small errors it contains.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/williamkail
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 5:46am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
