A great start, but once again, I'm thrown off by all the strange names. When you post a bit more of this, I'd like to read it and see if I can get a feel for them. Personally, I think you are a talented writer. It could simply be I'm not a good reader. I liked the fast pace of this piece. You have a knack for characterzation and dialogue. I'd be interested to see where this goes. Keep writing, and I'll check by later for more posts to this story.
Wow! What can I say? You definitely write above a fifth grade level, which I believe is what most books in print are these days. I might be wrong. It's obvious you gave this a lot of thought. Love the imagery you used in creating the setting. Great characterization and use of dialogue. I realize this is fantasy, and being so, the use of all those created words for the characters, the surroundings, and such are necessary; but it does make it rather confusing to read with just this short excerpt. I'm sure, though, that as the reader became more immersed in the story, they would become second nature. Great job!
I'm not much of a poet, but I know what I like. This is quite nice. I love the imagery that you use. I like the hard, rhythmic tone of the poem coupled with the violent and gentle imagery. It leaves the reader feeling as though the world is a machine going through the motions of another day, yet, there is something beautiful in that repetition. Great job!
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