huh? I'm lost... its a rather barren dialogue with no meat on the bones... it looks more like the outline of a story... don't rely on your spellchecker, you still need to edit the piece... there / there's , Where instead of we're, Cumming should be cumming, Mrs. popular should be Mrs. Popular if that her name. Without modifiers around the dialogue I'm lost with who is speaking when...
This is a good story, I like the plot and you paint a clear picture of Phoebe. This piece however... needs editing. Mostly the dialogue needs formatting.
Although this will make the story visually longer down the page, it will help to break up some of these large scale paragraphs into something must more manageable to the eye
I like this! now... correct me if I'm wrong, but I LOVE the line " It's probably the Irish loaf bred ." I don't know if this was intentional, if it was.. its absolute brilliance... I never though of Ben Aflek as a lazy Irishman who was born... an "Irish, Loaf, Bred" LOL!
This is a good quick intro. Is it a complete 'flash fiction' story, or is this more of an outline to a larger piece? It looks like its got legs... is there a greater plot being developed or is this going to be more of an 'encounter' erotica piece?
This is very good. There is a lot of things going on, and in some ways, things are easy to read, being that it's in a letter format. I would, and all of this is just my humble opinion, I would make more use of bullet points, and perhaps bold face text to distinguish the 'what to do' from the less import 'why to do'.
on to the proofing!
spelling:[place in ] s/b [placed in] / [discourse] do you mean [discouraged] [can be meant] s/b [can be met] / [nothing is happen] s/b [nothing is happening] / [Remember putting] s/b [Remember, putting] / [spend time that time] s/b [spend that time] / [makes since] s/b [ makes sense] / [You will be surprise] s/b [You will be surprised] well... this is a starting point lol...
dont be afraid to use Google to look up words, God knows I cannot recall how to spell every single word. That's one of the reasons I use writing.com ! I still use mriaum webster dictionary online. Its bookmarked right at the top of my book mark links.
You have some GREAT goals here!
Writing in the journal everyday, I do that too... well I miss a day here and there, but I also think that something like that really helps your overall writing. And reading novels. I do that too, but I find that I'm reading them a bit more slowly now that I'm reading them with an eye for how they are written.
This was good. I cant tell if its a work of fiction , or a memoir, the categories of Teen, Entertainment, Relationship, but this was good. There are a couple of typos within the text, so another round of proofing would be a good idea. I would like to mention that I don't think its so much a story about the mother changing as it is about the girl's outburst causing the change. To that end there is a section I would change.
[ I could not control what I was saying. One thing that I said that made her extremely mad was that I wanted to live with my dad, Benny, because he actually cares about me.] I think this would come across more forcefully if it were stated outright with a direct quote. for example:
"I want to live with my dad, Benny, because he actually cares about me," I shouted back at her, regretting the words as the flew from me. But it was too late, once spoken, they took on a power all their own.
This was nice, brief, imaginative. Is it a flash fiction contest entry? I would just keep an eye on the spacing arounf the quotation marks. You do not need the extra spacing. [ " We can make that 3D too. " ] should be ["We can make that 3D too."]
also watch your 'yours' [Well, your not selling theater tickets] should be [Well, you're not selling theater tickets]
Natalie Portman in a pink cat suit, nice - a pink cat suite, weird.
its very good, it has a good interaction between the characters, the dialog sounds natural and I like the way the piece flows. There's a good amount of detail with out being too detailed, a nice balance.
my only critism... in the first paragraph:
[ She gets off the bed and picks up her underwear from the floor and starts wearing them. The boy stares at her beautiful fully grown body, still holding the half-burnt cigarette. She jumps a little to keep her balance as she lifts her leg to wear her black panties.] it is incongruous... is she in her underwear, then puts her underwear on again?
OK, I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but this reads as if English is not the speaker's native tongue.
Let me make a few points: The first sentence main term is unclear. I do not know if critical work means 'labor of vital importance' or is critical work a 'volume of critiques' or... is it both. Educators do perform a vital function within our society, instructing our youth. And one of the tools they employ is the critiquing of our youth's lessons.
As to the next point, if educators are an impact on us, it sounds as if these objects are being hurled at us. When educators have an impact they leave a more lasting impression.
If English is not the speaker's native language, I would make the suggestion that the writer use a larger number of smaller sentences to develop the essay, rather than trying to use large run-on sentences and fragments.
For example in the last paragraph, the first sentence [ Educators have a method for making people have faith in themselves and educating them that with diligent work, commitment and responsibility they can attain and succeed in anything they decide to.] might be split into two sentences to make the point clearer. [Educators have a method for making people have faith in themselves. They teach people that with diligent work, commitment and responsibility, the people can attain and succeed in anything they decide to.]
This makes it a bit clearer as to who 'they' are, the students, not the educators.
Very good piece. I enjoyed it... and got caught up in it. Which is a good thing in pieces which are lengthy. I only spotted a couple of typos... but I really didn't give it a whole 'proofreading' session, just a quick go over.
[Allen did say anything] s/b [ Allen didn't say anything]
[ “Allen. Is Allen here?” Mom asked, frantic.] s/b [“Allen. Is Allen there?” Mom asked, frantic]
[As she did, she got your her cell] s/b [As she did, she got her cell]
[The told me later that it was part of the test] s/b [He told me later that it was part of the test]
There are probably more lurking out there, but many eyes will catch them all I'm sure..
Well, I don't mean it to sound like this but... as an essay, this is a bit of a muddle. Although, as a writer I think you achieved one outcome: I did read sonnet 138!
As an essay, that last sentence [ I believe that people who are able to see and accept the truth are the strongest amongst us.] should be your opening thesis should it not?
I'm trying to think of how you can build a case from examples; where people have said something and yet meant it to sound the why id did.
I'm not sure that I necessarily agree with the premise that people who said they didn't mean for a statement to be taking the way it was delivered, are actively lying. English is such a muddle of a language that such miss-communications are practically inevitable and not necessarily predicated on the active agency of material misstatement.
Wow, a lot of description going on in this piece. I was able to follow most of the descriptions. I'm finding that the level of physical detail mixing with the metaphysical detail, the tangible mixing with the metaphoric detail is a bit of a muddle. But I'm able to get around it.
One point, if you increase the spacing between the paragraphs it could make it a bit more reader friendly.
Your progression in the subtext, the way you address the soil, then tree trunks, then the leaves, the clouds, and then sun, that linear progression, is insightful...
Very good. Its quite compact, and economy of words i suppose. Is this intended to be a work of 'flash-fiction'? The interactions come off well, there is an awkwardness that you are successfully conveying.
One point... "the mysterious boy" how old is Dylan, because I usually associate the word 'boy' with a male age 12 or under, once they get older than that you might want to use youth, or teen, if the two characters are about the same age, I see nothing wrong with her internal monologue simply referring to him as a 'mysterious guy'. 'Guy" would convey that the male character is more of a potential romantic interest than "boy". "Boy" and "romantic interest" simply comes out ... 'creepy', unless the female character is a 'girl'.
Also..["What are you reading?" Asks Dylan. Oh nothing important just about this demon Belial... as if."] There is something about this transition that strikes me as awkward... by using double quotes for external dialogue, and using single quotes for internal monologue, could help to make these transitions smoother for the reader.
oh well just a couple of thoughts while I'm sitting here nursing a cold. I hope to read more of your stuff!
Very nice, descriptive... a fun piece to read. You use the word 'massive' a lot. The 'massive dining/living' is it cavernous where everything is made of heavy granite, or are you meaning spacious, that the room is large and open. Also " the Massive sign ", is the sign very heavy, or is the sign simple large, or over-sized.
Also, the characters ''say' things a lot. There is a good opportunity to add insight to the characters by telling us more about their speech. For example:
["We have been waiting for an hour of course we're ready." Says the girl.] you could say ["We have been waiting for an hour of course we're ready." girl caustically replied.
This needs another round of proofing... [ I duck off to] [ I'm ten when I'm] [ What's it called..."] [Cafe," she says.] [ but I guess] [grey tiles.]
oh well I'm sure other reviewers will catch other items...
again, I like this. Its a good jumping in point. I haven't read chapter one or two. I will add those two chapters to my read/review list because I'm liking the story.
wow... very... 'stream of consciousness' prose. Reading at a slow pace i am able to follow along through most of the piece. But the metaphors are exploding all over the place. The piece is not like a fireworks sho, where there are paues and a variation of larger points [explosions] and small points [ smaller explosions]. Instead, the peice strikes me as more of a large pack of firecrackers... all pop pop pop. Take for example...[ "desperately trying to figure it out, but the sand sticks to your eyes, and you blink"] Where the heck did that sand come from?
Also ["Then you wonder where to next, but the red blurriness"] s/b ["Then you wonder 'where to next,' but the red blurriness"]
Very good story. It has a lot of interesting detail. The main character spends a very long day as a custodial worker, and yet his own mattress is dusty and apartment dirty, I'm finding that ironic. There is a lot of details that you bring out and its really good, One thought, if he spends so much time as a custodian, why it he town so dirty? its it that the job is so overwhelming, there are not enough other custodians for the work to do, or is he unmotivated to do his job well as he sees his work as a pointless task?
one quick point: "the pupils dancing psychotically" are you sure psychotically is a good choice, I would think that the prisoners statements would have more resonance with the main character if the eyes danced 'frantically' or some other word not so associated with mental illness, but more associated with imploring, or desperation, unless the man character actually goes insane at the end and this break from reality is somehow communicable through the blood of the blond prisoner with whom he came into contact.
a technical point, [What does the moon look like?] the forth sentence in 13th paragraph should be quoted. Since its internal monologue, i tend to use single quotes ['What does the moon look like?'] likewise [What does the moon look like? My thoughts ricocheted] ['What does the moon look like?' my thoughts ricocheted]
Very nicely put. It reminds me of that says "life is what happens in between the plans we make." That we are already living adventures perhaps without even realizing it, is a powerful message of motivation for making today great, instead of thinking that our life will start tomorrow.
Reviewing the essay, I will find it filled with several examples of the various cultural dangers facing kids. You have numerous examples from: internet, including YouTube; music, explicit lyrics, movies, where kids are not stopped from viewing. I think that the essay would be strengthened by better organizing these examples.
A couple of technical points: The paragraph indenting is not consistent, also it would make for easier reading if you include a line break between the paragraphs.
IMHO The last sentence of the first paragraph [ More restrictions should be placed on public broadcasting, as certain material needs to be censored from adolescents.] s/b your opening sentence to focus the reader on the point, then build your case from there.
IMHO when you say their average age is twelve, it would be better to say they range in age from 10 to 14 (which would be an average age of 12) because one cousin could be 6 while the other is 18 ( that would also be an average of 12, one is clearly a child while the other one isn't)
This is a nice narrative, rich in detail with many little things going on. One point, on the formatting, I would suggest putting a line break between the paragraphs. Doing so would make this tight piece expand and make it easier to read. ok... on to the technical...
just a couple of quick points... there are a lot of adjectives doing really good work in this piece.. adding more commas would help to clear the picture such as [ His fingers tightly fold behind his back, and his arms cling to his sides, as a man in...]
also capitalization... months are capitalized but season aren't..[ the Fall leaves ] s/b [ the fall leaves / or perhaps the autumn leaves ]
punctuation goes within the quotes... [ "No, no, please no". The prisoner shakes... ] s/b [ "No, no, please no." the prisoner shakes...]
likewise ["Please, I have children to feed. No, no"! The Prisoner...] s/b ["Please, I have children to feed. No, no!" the prisoner...]
note the lowercase 'p' in prisoner on that last line.
also [ I want to live"! The...] s/b [ I want to live!" the
the story again is good, I enjoyed the richness and the level of detail, a lot of work went into it, and that shows though.
Its a fair POV essy. It could be strengthened through giving brief examples of a government liying (there are numerous examples) and an example of some one pitting lobbyists against each other, like environmental lobby vs pipeline lobby the person with the deeper pockets wins.
Its a nice story. Rich in detail. I do get a clear picture of what is going on but I was less sure as to when it was taking place. Clearly there's a story in there. Just a couple of points...
I started out ok... but then there was a disconnect, as far as the setting was developed in the story. When the story started out "It was summer" I assumed, it was last summer, but then there were some archaic word choices.. like 'boon companion' that made me think that this story might be a period piece, set in the sixties, or even fifties. The sentence "what was, at the time, known as ‘blue balls’ again made me question when in time was the story taking place. Its not until the tenth paragraph where I get to "Since this all happened long enough ago that cars" that I'm told that this story does indeed take place some time ago, but its still unclear when.. 70's, 60's maybe. I understand the the story itself is universal (boy meets girls - goes to drive in- get lucky) and inst necessarily tied to any particular time-frame. You the author are communicating that this does exists in some time frame. I as the reader just don't know when.
Had the story started "It was summer of yadda yadda, and I was..." it would immediately transport my mind to the right place in time where you want me to be.
one more point.. real quick.. sorry I'm a bit wordy. The sentence " “Gee, Guy, you must have known that it’s my birthday, and look what you’ve brought me!” 'Guy is capitalized, so, I thought that was his name.,When you talk to Dave in the next paragraph I wonder where the heck Guy went off to.
as always this is just my humble option, and whet the heck do I know!
Thank you, as I said, its a nice read and good story in there
Very brief. I like it I'm hoping that this is the outline for a larger story. Expanding the details of the city, more description of the bleak winter's landscape. The Farm boys thrilling, harrowing journey through a labyrinth maze within the castle walls to reach the king. There are so many many places to expand and expound. The story is nice as is, Flash fiction. My only real input would be to make sentence three, "King Ferdinand rallied his knights" and make that the opening sentence as it has a good 'call to action' in it and sets the scene immediately.
When I started reading the story initially, "The city hustled in preparation" I pictured deploying police, fire, and transit, mistakenly thinking 'modern city'. Perhaps, if you did not want to change the sentence order, you could change 'city' to 'the castle and kingdom'. Something that would immediately establish the historic setting.
very nice. I enjoyed this, it has a smooth natural flow to. The dialog isn't just stacked staccato style but interspersed with detail and it seems very... natural, polished, that's the word I'm looking for... very well polished.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wastor64
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 9:56am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
