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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vjboaz
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7 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Passing Soul  Open in new Window.
Review by veejay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Rick, Thank you for your thoughtful and positive review of Sink A Boat. I hope it made you laugh!

What a truly extraordinary poem. There are so many masterful images and so much longing. I love the justaposition of life and the consideration of death and it is throughout the poem, like "small, deep breaths."

You bring us all closer to understanding that being truly alive includes a deep appreciation of death.

See below for detailed feedback:



Still, I am, I think…
Could it finally be my time?
Looking, feeling, smelling...
Just be in the here and now!
They are all around me once again so
I take small deep breaths.
(Love this contrast of small and deep)

Satin fingers brush my face.
I’m so overwhelmed!
I’m so afraid!
A lonely heartbeat thumping in my ears,
And I feel the slightest breeze upon my skin.
(This is beautiful - I wonder if you could replace upon with on just for rhythm's sake.)


Heavy air cries out loud. (Love this!!!)
My teardrops fall.
A silent melody surrounds me;
Hugs me…
Lingering memories rise.
A sympathetic sunset bleeds into a velvet sky.
(Another beautiful contrast

Burning…Blurring…Sliding...
What’s left of day hangs just out of reach.

Come upon me now!
(I am not sure you need this line.)

Silhouettes…Shadows…Ashen clouds
All blend together into one.
Dark but still alive, I think.
Sipping pastel scenes…
(LOVE THIS!!!! Bring yet another sense into the poem.)

Whispering souls…
So quickly images come and go.
Oh what imagination can conceive as
(I wonder if you can delete this line - it seems to reduce the impact of the very important next line.)

Death stands not all that far away.
Silence.
The world just turns off the lights and
The angels sleep at last…
(Fabulous ending!)
2
2
Review of My Inner Drummer  Open in new Window.
Review by veejay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I think this a great beginning. Your sense of rhyme is quite good. However, the flow and rhythm of this poem is just a little labored and feels like a greeting card rhythm. It also skips off track occasionally and this is just a bit jarring since the poem says that percussion is your thing.
I walked through your poem but stopped short of the end. I really believe that with your sense of rhyme that this just needs rework to work.

See below

I may seem a bit different,
I stand out in the crowd,
But what I feel inside of me,
Is just a little bit loud (maybe lose bit for rhythm)

I follow this dream inside,
Nobody can say no, (Try No one can say no)
I look as helpless as a river,
But strong in the bloodflow (I don't know what this means.)

(This stanza is really quite choppy)
Percussion is my thing,
I've done it a long time,
I don't care what they say,
But this is my daily chime

(I don't understand this stanza and the rhythm is off.)
I stand up to everybody,
The guys all go woah!
Then I smile and look proud
as I give off my show

Ok, I admit it;
I'm not the VERY best,
but I really promise you,
I'll put you to the test

I'm a girl and I know,
I'm quite alone,
then everyone says I'm weird,
and I feel hard as stone

But I'll stick up for this path,
It really seems right to me,
Then I hope everyone will see,
How awesome percussion can be!
3
3
Review by veejay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The images are wonderful and the descriptions are superb. I can smell the earth there too. I love Grandma and can see her hat.

There are a few minor typos - I believe you mean borrow instead of barrow. Ad Infinitum means "to infinity," so I don't think it quite works as a description of Grandma's expertise in the kitchen. The plural of bra is bras without an apostrophe.

However, these are small, picky details that do need to be corrected - but the overall character of the piece is extraordinary, touching and warm.
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